moreso in the early mornings that I try to have my time alone with God. I get started with reading one book, then don't want to put it down, and yet, there is this other book I want to read as well, and then there is my journaling, then there is skimming my emails, then checking my son's blog, then the bank balance, then finally making my way here - and ... well, good thing I write a lot of nonsense for I use up the majority of my time doing other things. Mainly good things that I will refuse to give up, but still, the time flies by and my heart longs to be free of work again so that I can sit in here for all morning if I so chose. But, alas, 7AM the work computer must come on and work begins. I complain about that a lot, don't I? I will apologize for that (I'm sorry), but that is about all my life is anymore. Work, read, life with hubby, church, sleep, back to work. It's a routine. Do you feel that your life is a routine as well? Oh mine does change periodically, but still, I long to be free to do other things.
I think I do not think of the 'other things' because my heart would be so disappointed because I can't do them - for many reasons. I won't go in to those. But I long to be a part of something; to be involved; to have a life. That used to be my favorite saying - "Get a life". And now I wonder where my life has gone. Yesterday was another 'do nothing' pretty much day. Oh, I did work, but it wasn't a busy day (and no, I still haven't typed the minutes from last week. May do it today.) It was quiet as all bosses were busy on their own stuff. But it was boring as well. I didn't do much while sitting here. I used to grab my crochet and work on it in the down time, but didn't think of it yesterday. Hubby was home so that may account for some of it.
Never got my oil painting set up over the weekend like I planned. Why? Because hubby wants to 'help' set up everything - and I know I will have to allow him to help. He just doesn't understand I enjoy putting things together, and if he helps, I generally have to help him figure it out anymore. But, I need to do something and get things the way I want them. I know he will get mad at me, but while he is at breakfast this morning I want to move the one desk/table into this room and move things around a bit (if I'm caught up with work). He always gets upset when I do things while he is gone. Fine. I may not do it while he is at breakfast, but I will be alone tonight. You just watch him specifically tell me NOT to do something while he is with his study tonight. I don't want fights, but I want to do it myself!! Or I may just sit down and work on my diamond art project again. Notice one that I ordered recently will be here possibly today. Won't start on it until I finish the one I'm working on. I just don't have room to leave everything out that I enjoy working on. Still working on the baby quilts.
Nothing exciting going on today. At least that I can think of. Other than hubby will be gone for a couple hours this morning. I will be working so that he can enjoy breakfasts out with his friends. Rolling my eyes. LOL Maybe I will get in touch with one of my friends and ask if she wants to do lunch today. Haven't seen her since before Christmas. She has a hearing problem so we rarely talk on the phone. And, neither of us text that much to each other anyway. Maybe I will see if she is available. We generally meet at Jack in the Box because restaurants are so expensive anymore. $3.99 for coffee or soda is ridiculous! Of course I can't have the bun, but I can ask them to leave the bun off. Or get a salad. Will see. I've lost a few pounds on this new eating plan; not enough for me, of course, and I have a long ways to go, but still, a pound is a pound. Our trainer said she could tell in hubby's face that he had lost weight. Sigh. She didn't say anything about me. But I think my tummy has shrunk at least an inch. That is what I want. Get rid of my tummy and my butt.
Romans 8:38 (NLT): And I am convinced that nothing can every separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.
So many things come against us and try to convince us that we are so bad, so sinful, that God could never love us. But they are all wrong. Nothing can separate us from God's love. No matter what we do, no matter what we say, God loves us. God loves YOU. Do you realize how great His love is for you? Think back over your life; do you not see His hand upon you?
I was reading this morning how God takes the hard things, the tough things, the painful things in our lives and can turn them for our good. My daughter and I were talking about that last night. God took my divorce and remarriage and brought us to Arizona. Some grumble about the heat, but overall, we all love the warmth. But, here in Arizona, my children found the love of their life. We have beautiful grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. If the bad stuff had not happened, we more than likely would not be here, they would not have met these spouses, and would not have had these wonderful grandchildren ... and great-grandchildren. True, there may have been others in their place had we stayed where we were, but it gets cold there!!
Thinking about the cold, I talked with my little brother some yesterday. He got a day off of radiation because of it being a 'holiday'. He still has had no side effects from the radiation or chemo, although he has been pretty tired. I'm praying that the radiation and chemo he does receive works to combat the cancer in his lung. I'm not ready to lose another sibling. The pain of losing my older sister still hurts deeply and I miss her a lot. Of my siblings, I am probably the one with the best health. Then my older brother. But my two younger ones have medical issues. My little brother Stg 4 lung cancer and my little sister tells me she has stage 3 kidney disease. That one confuses me. She says she has had it for years. But she doesn't take medication for it. She doesn't get any treatment for it. In fact, she doesn't even talk about it and until she brought it up recently, I had forgotten about it - if she had even told me 'way back when' as she said she did. And she could have. I don't get it. If you have a kidney disease, wouldn't you need some kind of treatment to combat it? She takes nothing for it. I looked it up and there is such a thing, but do you just leave it alone? It makes no sense to me. If something is wrong, I want it fixed! Anyway, grateful that God has thus far kept me healthy and strong. I've surrendered my life, my body to Him. He can do anything with it, He can allow anything with it - to happen as He wills. As long as He gets all the glory, that is all that matters.
And with that - I'm going to hush and jump in the shower. I seem to be off the wall rambling again. My thoughts fall out and over the edge. My heart is longing for more, but more of what? Where can I run and hide? Where can I step back and be quiet for as long as I want? When can I be me, and be free? Only by the grace of God I live. Only in Him am I free.
Blessings!
