I'm running out of things to talk about

 Can't believe that I have been typing in here every day for awhile.  But I have sat here this morning and wondered what to write.  I probably did that as well when I had those posts of just ramblings of nothing. I can look back at the posts and see some growth in me, and yet, I still see all kinds of emotions as well.  I'm sure you have as well.  Maybe, because I have nothing to share this morning, I need to take a break from writing every day and just write when I have something to say.  But then, how would anyone know my struggles, my hopes, my dreams, my wants, my wishes, my pain, my tears, ... how would anyone know the real 'me'..... is that even a question....

Hubby is getting ready to head off to his Bible study and I will have a bit more time in here before having to get work.  I know I will be more than ready to get off at 4PM - we are heading to a restaurant after work to meet our friends for dinner and then go to their place after to play games.  They asked if we knew any card games.  It's been so long since we have played, I don't remember how to.  I remember in the years before this marriage I played Euchre - but I have no idea how to play it now.  We've played 'hands and feet', I think it was, with hubby's brother and SIL - but again, it's been a few years.  We just don't play games together.  He has never been much into games and neither have I. I wasn't raised playing games, if you know what I mean.  Some families do play games together.  We played with the grandchildren when they were young and came over, but not now.  No one has time for games.  

Morgan was tough on me last night.  Seriously!  She upped my weights and counts on some of the exercises.  One, the leg extension - dang!  She put it on 80 pounds and wanted me to do 50 of them!!  I thought she was kidding!  She wasn't.  And I did it.  I did have to take a 10 second break at 40.  That was hard!  And lunges, of course.  She knows I don't like lunges.  But - holding 20# on either side, I did three sets.  Also did leg presses.  Oh, and I cannot forget the squats.  Three sets of all except the leg extensions. But it felt good.  

Today should be a fairly quiet day at work - I hope, anyway.  All the bosses are here.  My male boss has been quiet - well, sorta - the past couple of days.  I'm sure he is still getting caught up from vacation last week.  I hope I don't get buried today.  I have been working on the numerous trainings we have that are mandatory.  I worked on several of them yesterday and got them out of the way.  Hubby kept coming in and asking me if I was working on trainings.  Sigh. I wish he would pretend I wasn't at home but at the office and quit interrupting me.  

There I go again. Complaining.  I'm really trying to stop that.

Philippians 2:14 (NKJV):  Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.

I am sure, that like me, you drop complaints on occasion.  I'm guilty of it for sure - even if it is just in my mind.  I feel we all complain when we don't get our way. Right?  We know how life should be; we know how the 'rules' are applied.... and when people don't behave like we think they should.... we complain.  When (I) we get interrupted, we complain.  When we don't get what we want when we want it - we complain.  We are a complaining generation.  

But what if we changed that?  What if we make it a point that starting today, one day at a time, we will choose to NOT complain, but to rebound that complaint with a positive thought?  I'm all for that!  I always feel better when I can find a positive in the negative, don't you?  Let's see how I can change the negative for the positive. Can I come up with any examples?

Hubby has gone to this bible study. No, that definitely is not a complaint.  It's a positive because it helps him as he is with other men and they share, they discuss the Bible, and a book they are going through together.  He has breakfast with them. And a positive for me - I'm home alone. (Did I really complain about being 'alone' the other day?)

I have to work.  I have a choice to work - and yet, I don't have a choice. Yes, I complain a lot about it, but I do enjoy having money that I can spend.  I remember all too well those very lean years of not even having money to buy groceries.  I don't like being the sugar momma, especially when hubby wants to know how much I have saved and then complains I don't tell him unless he asks... (that's another story, we had that discussion the other day..... I reminded him that what I save covers HIS expenses such as his $1600 hearing aids - twice.  He said 'the insurance paid for them' - and I told him all but $1600 and it went on my credit card, if he remembered.  AND he didn't offer to pay it back. He said no more about that!).  But I'm not complaining - that's why I save it, to cover expenses.  And for my little runaway trips like the one in a couple weeks.  I don't have credit card debt.  I like to keep them at zero.  See, those are all positives.

And - I positively need to get off here and jump in the shower before work.  So - with that thought - I'm off here.  Hope you have an amazing day - and work on the being positive, ok?

Blessings!

Am I boring you?

 My head hurts again this morning and I am drawing a blank as to what to write about.  I just took my blood pressure, which I do occasionally on the Hello Heart program, and it was quite a bit higher than usual.  So I do what I always do.  I sit still and take several deep breaths and take it again.  And it dropped way down again.  We're talking 135/89/61 to 104/70/60.  I was told years ago that, as you probably know, our blood pressure is a wavy line.  If you take it once, wait a few minutes and take it again.  You may catch it on the 'downside'.  And if it is higher, then maybe you need to take it a third time!  But, if you will sit and take several deep breaths, that will also lower it.  I have this thing about not wanting a 'high bp' reading on my log.  No one sees this but me, as far as I know, but it is a 'me' thing.  I also read that you need to empty your bladder and sit with both feet on the floor when you take it.  Something about a full bladder causes it to go up. Cause you need to go to the potty?  I don't know. And yes, I am rambling.

I sent an email the other day to my Virta coach because I hadn't heard if I had been accepted into the program or not.  He responded yesterday that yes, I had been accepted because I could not have signed in otherwise.  Hot Dog.  You know what I keep thinking about?  No, not hot dogs.  I have O&H Danish still in my freezer.  I forgot to give them out when the kids were over.  Don't know if they would want now as the holidays are over.  But I want a piece of one!!  I want a sandwich - which means BREAD.  And I'm supposed to start this new program on TUESDAY.  And I'm still on the fast of no bread.  I am pretty sure I am going to cheat right after the fast and eat something(s) I shouldn't before I give this new program my full attention.  But then, that's stupid, isn't it.  I'm letting food control my thinking.  Groan.  I love sugary, carby things!!  But I need to break that if I want to clear my head, clean out my body of all the toxic stuff I've been putting in it, and gain energy and clear-mindedness.  It's a choice, and it is a choice I want to make.  It will be a struggle, I guarantee you.  I.love.bread.  I want to make and bake bread.  But I also want to play with my great-grandchildren for a long, long time.  So what's important to me?  They are.  Food does not define me.  My legacy is not food.  Sometimes I may need to tell myself that frequently, but I need to do this.  For me, and for them.

Reminds me of a t-shirt hubby got for Christmas from the youngest, I think it was.  It said something about "I don't like my children, but I love my grandchildren'.  I don't remember exactly what it said, but you get the jest.  And you know you can relate in some ways - yes, we still love our children, but these grandchildren are a joy, and the great-grandchildren even more so.  Grandchildren don't seem to have time for us - but our greats sure do!  Until they grow up, anyway.

Oh man!  I just remembered I have several boxes (don't tell; I ordered 16) of girl scout cookies in the freezer.  Sigh.  I am pretty sure they are not on the approved list of foods.  Oh well, I can use for desserts when we have company.  I just won't eat any.  Sigh.  That is going to be really hard, especially cause I love my trefoils with coffee.  Maybe I can allow myself 3 a day?  Probably not.  But if I go 'cold-turkey' in giving up carbs, won't that kill me?  Just saying.

Hubby has his bible study this morning and he is moving about to get ready.  He will poke his head in here in about 10 minutes or so to let me know he's leaving.  I will have at least two hours of quiet. Unfortunately, I also have to work.  But I will have some time after he leaves for me. But I also need to get in the shower.  So many 'me' things to do and I have to make a decision what. Oh well.  Hubby also has a doctor's appointment today to freeze off some spots; he goes about every three months I think and the doctor freezes things all over his body.  Does he really have that many that need to be froze off?  It seems extravagant to me, but I'm not the doctor.  I did tell hubby that if he doesn't mention it to the doctor I WILL send a letter and itemize all the things he has been asking me that don't make any sense.  Plus he can even more quickly than before, go into anger mode if I correct him, or diss him.  His face contorts into an unexplained expression.  And, in talking with my boss yesterday morning about this, she agrees that it is all early signs of dementia, which we have known for some time.  Hubby just refuses to acknowledge it, which is understandable.  No one wants to admit there as 'issues'.  With the brain or body.  With him eating what I eat, it is possible that we might be able to delay or even reverse some of the confusion with eliminating a large portion of carbs and sugar from his diet.  I grilled chicken last night, steamed some broccoli, and sliced an orange for us to eat.  An hour later he said he was hungry.  But he didn't eat as it was late.  In all fairness, by the time we went to bed, I was getting hungry!

Which reminds me, I need to pick up another combo box today.  Lots of fruit and veggies in it.  Think I will be digging out some cookbooks and see how to fix some of it.  Never have fixed spaghetti squash but can try - but I definitely don't need three of them.  One of my granddaughters cooks it so will see if she wants the other two.

Philippians 2:14-16 (NLT):  Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you.  Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.  Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ's return I will be proud I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless.

I don't know about you, but I get stuck on the 'without complaining and arguing' part.  Sigh.  (I seem to be doing a lot of that this morning, aren't I?)  Let's work on our complaining and arguing and live our lives for the glory of God.  He is the only One who matters.

Blessings!

Could it be the weather?

 I kid you not... I have nearly slept away my morning!  I didn't get out of bed until 4:45AM, then I start reading in here - and fell asleep.  I woke up at 5:30, closed my eyes and off to dreamland again (without the dreams) and here it is nearly 6:30AM and I haven't done anything but sleep.  Thank goodness my coffee is in a thermal cup - it is still hot.  Hadn't even taken a sip of it.  I have not idea why I have slept like that - other than I cried tears with my prayers last night, praying.  They are well worth it.

But here it is 6:30AM, I have a full cup of coffee, I haven't even read past the first page in the first book I usually read.  And here I am, typing in here.  But I am hoping that with trying to think about what to write, it will wake me up cause in about 30 minutes I must be on my computer for work.  

Yesterday it seemed I couldn't do anything right - that hubby and I were not 'discussing something'.  He didn't like it I did my own laundry Tuesday (what, am I not good enough to do your laundry?  SERIOUSLY! that is what he said!)  On the way to church we had a discussion about his driving.... and I told him his driving scared me.... and at 30 miles an hour (because we left earlier than I wanted) on Bell Rd, I asked him to drive the speed limit of 40 cause he was driving like an old man..... oh yeah... that started another 'conversation'.  Lord, help!

You ever have those days when it just seems 'too much'?  Yesterday was one of those, I think, and today isn't looking promising either... I think I will just hibernate in here with work as long as I can today.  I have been made to be old before my time and inside I am dying.  Oh - and yesterday, Ms. Amy called me twice about her trees - they need trimmed and she's trying to find someone but I'm the one who has to direct them and tell them what to do.  WHINE.

Philippians 2:14 (NKJV):  "Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world."

Sigh.  I sure have failed that today, haven't I?!  Failed it yesterday too.  I really would like to take a couple days off work and do nothing... in fact, I did two things yesterday.  I looked at days when I could take time off for a few days without any problems.... and I looked at hotels nearby to get away to for a change of scenery.  Decided against both - at least for now.  Don't want to spend the money... and because nothing will be changed but location... why go?  Ok, won't go there.

Lord, help!

Yep - that's where I'm at today.  I'm exhausted (my Wednesday pills, perhaps?) from life, and drama around me, around medical concerns and I just want to be alone with my God so that I can pray and intercede for those I care about and love.  

Lord, help!  I'm calling out to You because I have no one else... because I know that You love me unconditionally, and I know that You hear me when I cry out to You.  So yes, I am crying out, "Lord, HELP".  You know the need, Lord; You know the pain in my heart for these I pray for.  I know You see me and You hear me.  Lord, HELP!

Time to get the computer on for work; teach me to fall asleep when I should be awake!  Now I have nothing to build on  except my quick prayers to my Lord.  And yet, He will always provide what I need today.

Blessings!

Will I have time today?

 Hubby has his Bible study this morning at which he is gone a couple hours this morning.  As I have mentioned before, I love the quiet of the house and the time I have alone, albeit I am working.  But, like last Saturday, unless I have critical work I need to get done, I plan to 'attack' the top of the freezer and hopefully the refrigerator as well, and get both cleaned off and straightened up.  I hate that I feel I need to sneak around and clean, but he fusses at me so much or watches me (which annoys me) and asks questions (which annoys me more), so it's easier to do it while he's gone. Hey- at least it gets done, right?  He told me yesterday our 'house cleaners' are to be here Thursday.  Now the last two months I let them skip this room as I had Christmas things all over it.  I have two days to clear off the bed, remove the Christmas quilt and put another comforter on it, and get the boxes on the floor moved out.  I can do it.  Not a problem, right? And I don't necessarily need hubby gone to do this room - he knows better than come in here except to get his clothes (his closet is in here, but the rest of the room is MINE).

I fixed chicken vegetable soup yesterday for lunch - and dinner.  Made enough that I took some over to Ms. Vicky in a small crockpot and even a bowl over to Ms. Diane.  We finished it up last night - and 30 minutes later hubby was telling me MY soup made him (in my words) 'run quickly' (and then basically it's my fault for giving him vegetables twice).  LOL  Whatever.  He does have a sensitive gut... me, I can eat just about anything.  I hope I never regret making that comment!

Work kept me busy yesterday... I did get to mark several things off my list of things to do.  For work, anyway.  After dinner it was to watch the news and then read... only my eyes were bothering me last night and I was so sleepy I couldn't stay awake.  So I ended up knitting instead of reading. Until my sister called and then we chatted for a short while.  It would have been longer, but I stayed on the couch so we cut it short cause I wasn't talking much.  (wonder why)  And then of course I got the comments and questions.  Oh well.  Some things will never change.

Philippians 2:14-16 (NKJV):  "Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain."

That is a scripture that I have to work on a lot.  As you know, I seem to do a lot of 'complaining' at times... not that I mean to... but sometimes it gets to be more than just 'sharing' - in spite of what I may think.  I try not to complain... and try not to argue.... but I let life get in my way a lot of times and it doesn't take long to find a sympathetic soul who asks the right questions to get me talking and blah blah blah.  You do it too, you know!  Maybe not so obvious to yourself.... but I don't want to be known as a complainer, nor a disagree-er (is there such a word?).  I want to love and be loved.  I want to help others, exhort others, encourage others, help them choose rightly.  I want them to know they are loved by God, even when I find it difficult to love them. Make sense?

And it isn't just complaining to others... how often do we make comments to ourselves and complain about others?  Just perhaps a comment or two.  "What an idiot!" "Doesn't have a lick of sense."  Isn't that still complaining, same as "They didn't do what I told them to do!"  "I should have done this instead of that; I know better; what's wrong with me?"  "I'm so stupid; what am I doing?"  Yeah - we capture a lot, don't we?  

So how can we improve on that?  When those 'down' thoughts come to mind - whether about ourselves or others - how about if we catch ourselves and decide instead to say something positive?  You know positive words, right?  Praise them for what is done right!  Praise yourself that you finished a day's work; a special project.  (Yay me, I got the laundry counter done - and it looks great! Good job!)  It is the words that come out of our mouths that either build up or tear down - whether it be others or ourselves,

And, if you think about it, the words we speak and the things we think about others and about ourselves, shape us.  It becomes our 'attitude' and how the world looks at us.  Do they think one is a 'grumpy old man' (we all know them!) because all they do is complain and gripe about things?   Do they suggest one is a 'mean old woman' because she insists things be done her way or not at all?   We all tend to put labels on others and even on ourselves.

Lord, keep us humble, and not think more highly of ourselves than we are.  You made us in Your image. You gave us choices.  Help us to choose rightly.  Guide our decisions; guide our words; that we build up and not tear down.  May we allow You to speak through us to others and choose rightly.  It's the little things that bring joy to the heart of our Heavenly Father.  Pause and say a kind word as your spouse or child walks by you.  It may shock them; or it may make their day.

Make time to do something you have put off doing.  Send that email.  Write that note. Fold those clothes. Set out food for dinner to thaw from the freezer.  Why not YOU plan to make that meal and surprise your family. (who said it had to be the woman of the house to do all the cooking?)

I'm going to try and make time to get the refrigerator and freezer tops cleaned off this morning... depends on my work... but surely I can sneak away and check the computer periodically, right?  Got to put the extra shelf together first. 

What can you do today that you need to make time for?  Why not find that one little thing you keep putting off... and just do it.  If you are like me, you have to write those things down cause you keep 'forgetting' about it until you don't have the time to do it... then it goes on the backburner again.

Let's be intentional today!  Make the time!

Blessings!