I've got some 'little things' that I want to do... heaven forbid that I should do them in the evenings! I mean, I know what I want to do... but it is always during the day I want to do them! Come evening, the thought totally slips my mind! Perhaps I need to start writing things on a board or something and put it where I can see it. And then walk away from it. Sigh. What are some of the things I want to do?
Well, there is my diamond art projects. I do enjoy them a lot, and have a few yet to work on. They definitely are time-consuming and take up my table so I have to plan carefully on those. I want to get back into making cheater quilts for Christmas gifts for friends... and that takes time. I 'should' just bring out my sewing machine. It still takes time, but a lot less if I use the machine. In all honesty, I haven't sewn by machine for so many years, I need to take a refresher course on how to sew. And I love to sew! I love to be creative and make things (and give away, of course!). I want to do a lot of baking. A lot of cooking. I want to exercise more. I want to write letters to friends. I want to declutter. A lot of 'declutter'! Sigh. And so much more 'I want to'! (and then there is learn more crochet and knitting skills)
I really can't blame work taking up my time. I keep thinking of how much time I have gained with working from home. Seriously. One hour in the morning, two hours home - that is three hours!! But I think part of the difference is that I go to bed at 8:30 (ish) now - which eliminates that three hours I gained by working from home. Still get up about the usual time. I just get so sleepy in the evenings that my body starts shutting down at 8:30p. Maybe I need to keep active; it may take 3 weeks to get back in sync, but that is what it takes to change a habit. I used to stay up to 11-12p and get up at 4a. The first hour was my quiet time, the second hour was getting dressed. I was out the door by 6a. I need to think this through. I know one thing, I can't just sit and read in the evenings for I do get very sleepy. I need something to keep my mind active.... I'm going to think on this. I'm not getting anything done I really want to do. It frustrates me and makes me unhappy. I feel like I am losing myself. And I have no one to blame but myself. Hubby goes to bed early, so I follow just to keep peace. Now I am feeling lazy. I need to stop this. I want to take a class or study. I need to figure out how to do this so I can get the most out of it. It will be a change, but I need to make it. I need to do it for me. I need to do it to feel like I'm still living and not just work all day and watch TV/read and then go to bed. There is more to life and I'm tired of missing it! I loved not driving to work in the mornings cause I get up at the same time and have 2-3 hours (depending if I get up at 4 or 5) to spend with God each morning. I won't give that up. That sets up my day. But my evenings, I need to redo. I need to realign. I need to find myself.
I guess I just don't want to get in a routine where I'm not living life, but just going through it. Does that make sense? I have gone at this many times over the years, I think. It all sounds familiar. But I have to do something different. I guess I think of it as well as getting 'old' - and you know how I fight against that. Not about age wise; I'm proud that (uh oh - that word again!) God has allowed me to live this long. Maybe I should just say that I'm 'excited' that God has allowed me to live this long! But I don't want to get in a rut where I can't do anything. Does that make sense? Ok, enough about me.
Went to the oncologist yesterday morning with hubby and talked with the assistant. She is a lot more understanding and thorough than the doctor is. In fact, we saw him twice in the hallway and both times he adverted his eyes. What's up with that? Anyway, the appointment was for hubby to share what side effects he was having with the 4 pills a day (I've got to look it up, it starts with an 'x') the doctor prescribed for him last month. He never picked up the prescription because he didn't want to take the pills. I think I mentioned yesterday that Dr. Mark had asked him, "Do you want quality of life or quantity of life?" The side effects, known, for these 4 pills a day is dizziness, weakness, high blood pressure, sweats, and who knows how else it could affect hubby. We discussed it all with the assistant and she was so good at letting hubby talk (funny, every time he would say he didn't want to take them, he'd look at me for confirmation) with his reasons and thoughts about it. His PSA did go up about 600th of a point, the assistant said. I forget the actual numbers, but in the past six months, it has been going up each month but never a point yet. So, she agreed with him and said that they will do another meeting in 3 months and see where his PSA is at that time. If it has gone up slowly as it has been, they can wait longer. But if it does a big jump, it may require another discussion about the pills. The Lupron shots give him cold sweats but he's gotten used to those. Personally, I think they have sucked the life out of him. To get him to do anything is a battle, even things he enjoys doing.
He fights me on things. For example, after work I cooked dinner (as usual). He is supposed to do the dishes, although I do all the pans (cause he will leave them to soak even when they don't need it) and sometimes also the glass dishes/bowls that I use. All he ends up with are the plates, glasses and silverware used. Anyway, the dishwasher was full, I had already noticed that. I wouldn't have said anything if he hadn't. After dinner I went into the front room and grabbed a book. He does his thing in the kitchen and comes in and says "I'll run the dishwasher in the morning". I just asked, "Why don't you run it tonight?" Then he starts in about how it will heat up the kitchen, etc. So then I come back with 'Let it heat up the kitchen tonight; why let it heat up the kitchen in the morning when we are in and out of it?" He started arguing with me about when to run the dishwasher and why do I always have to contradict him.... I just looked at him and told him it makes no sense to put it off because we won't be in the kitchen later that night, but in the morning we will be in and out. He stormed - literally! - out of the front room, stomping his feet and went and turned on the dishwasher. He was so angry at me! He got over it of course. But it is these little things that set him off at me. Is it still about 'control'? Who knows. I probably would have gone in and turned it on if he hadn't said anything. Maybe it is because his 'job' is also putting the dishes away when they are done, and if they are clean last night, then he will be 'required' to put them away this morning? If he has a gym appointment this morning, I may just go in and do it, as I often do. It takes five minutes, but for him you would think it takes an hour. Sigh. Ok - enough.
Work wasn't too bad yesterday. (sorry, had to get on the work computer!) Only I got 'assigned to arrange airline travel and hotel and conference, etc.... and I don't like doing those! I did think of retirement..... But, it is something I have to do. Only I couldn't cause I wasn't a delegate and there were other issues.... so I am dealing with that this morning.... sigh. Hopefully I can get it done fairly quickly. Have a few other things to do too. I guess they want me to earn my pay! Speaking of work.... Sue has only 3 more days.... technically 4, but she plans to go to the office on Friday and turn in her work computer and whatever else she has from the company. Not much, I'm sure. Anyway, she is officially retiring on Monday - but like she said, what are they going to do? So she's turning her computer in on Friday afternoon. That actually works out for me. I've been playing with taking the day off as I am having lunch with my son, but.... I can just ask for time off without using my PTO time and work the morning. See how I'm figuring this out? Sue is turning in her computer, Kristine, the interim, is still on vacation.... I can check messages when I get back. Perfect, right? I just need to run it by Sue sometime before Friday. :-) And hopefully I don't have a lot of work to get done.
Have I done a lot of complaining about work and hubby this morning? Seems like I should just delete this entire thing and start over. But then, this is my life..... shouldn't I be able to share my 'life' with you?
Psalm 119:165 (ESV): Great peace have those who love your law; nothing can make them stumble.
Ok - now 'great peace' and 'loving God's law' does not mean there won't be struggles. I love God's law and do my best to follow it. I often have peace in my life. But some days.... well, perhaps I am wrong. I don't really count it a 'stumble', but it depends on what I do with what I love about God's law. I guess, right? Then of course there is....
Philippians 2:14 (ESV): Do all things without grumbling or disputing.
And if you don't get it that way.... read how it is said in The Message!
Philippians 2:14 (MSG): Do everything readily and cheerfully - no bickering, no second-guessing allowed!
So what are we going to choose today? Have peace; don't bicker; do what you are supposed to do cheerfully - and even go one step further! Be kind. Show people who you are in Christ by the way you speak, the way you act, the way you have peace. Do not live two lives. People see both sides.
And with that - I'm off here! Have an amazing day - and be kind to others. You don't know what they are going through.
Blessings!
