Emotions - good and bad

erase erase.  Yeah. Already started that this morning.  I'm shaking inside I'm so furious and so angry - and so disappointed in someone who intentionally has hurt someone I care about.  Just for their own feelings that had been hurt.  I am so done.  I will be kind.  But this person has lost all respect and I am washing my hands of them.  Let God deal with this person.  I cannot.  And I cannot tell hubby what happened, for we know how he will react. He will find out soon enough.  They just cut the string that held them to me, as far as I am concerned.  I have tried to be kind; to overlook things.  They have crossed the line.  I cannot smoothe this over. You go against family, you go against me.  And since I belong to God, it also goes against Him.  I'm HIS family.  I cannot feed the flames.  I must remain silent.  Lord, help!  

What is it I have been saying this week?  "Better to be thought a fool than open the mouth and remove all doubt"?  

Whew.  You really did not want to read what I wrote before.  

I stayed home last night as my daughter had an appointment to do something.  As my luck would have it, hubby said he ate something that had made his tummy queasy so he wasn't meeting up with his friend last night for Bible study.  Was I upset.  Yes.  Why? Because in my mind I already had planned what I was going to do - quietly, without interruptions.  I never said a word, though, although hubby kept asking if I was upset about something.  I wasn't really upset he stayed home.... it's his house.  But it was more my space had been invaded that I had blocked out for me.  That's the only way I know to explain it.  Unless you have walked in my shoes, you will not understand.  He finished watching his show and then we watched the news.  He asked if I wanted to watch a movie... but I said no.  So (thankfully), the TV went off and he was on his phone for the rest of the evening.  I read some and then finished a blanket I was making.   That was my wonderful evening.  At least I didn't have to fix dinner since his tummy was queasy.

Still working on these meetings and struggling to get them done for work.  I did check emails last night and at least one has opened up so I can get that meeting scheduled first thing this morning.  Still have a couple others that I need to deal with  Sure hope I don't get a lot more today to do.  We also have our annual trainings we have to complete - I can't remember if there are 22 or 29 of them that we have to complete by June 30th.  I'm trying to do at least one a day, and I'm close - I've done two (the one I did yesterday took about an hour!!) and this is day 10, I think.  It's mandatory trainings so everyone has to do them - compliance, medicare, health plan stuff - all of that and none of it really applies to me, which makes it all the more frustrating.  Plus the fact that I have always stressed over tests - and at the end of the majority of these is a 5-10 question quiz over what you read.  Needless to say, I copy and paste in to Word as I go along so that I can refer back to what I read when I get to the end of the training and have to take the quiz.  My mind goes totally blank when it comes to tests about things I don't work with and really has nothing to do with my job.  But - like I said, it's mandatory so have to do it.

Matthew 5:44 (NKJV):  But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you......

Romans 12:20 (NKJV):  Therefore "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in doing so you will heap coals of fire on his head."

Yeah, I'm in the 'heap coals of fire' mode still.  Sorry about that.  See, you are not alone when you get upset with situations or with people.  As much as I try to live a Christ-centered life, the devil will do all he can, especially using others, to create chaos and destroy those who love Jesus.  I am still in a state of shock I guess, that this person would do this.  Lord, help!  I am so done.  I can pray for them, and God says I have to love them, but I don't have to be friends with them. 

Sometimes you have to separate yourself from those who intentionally wound others.  They have shown themselves to be a fool.  They get their way in this, but they have lost a lot more.  Financially, and other ways as well.  

Ok - this isn't going anywhere good today.  And I can apologize to you, and I know it is just my protection coming out for other people.  I'm done standing up for this person; I'm done helping support the family in little ways that I can.  I'm just done.  

And with that - I'm just going to shut up.  My heart is grieving over this situation and I can not do anything about it.  It doesn't involve me.  This is strike three. Out.

Hope your day starts out much better!

Blessings!

And I don't have to do it again!

 Whoo hoo! Those were the words I heard from the doctor yesterday after my procedure.  And in case my mind started playing games with me as in 'did I really hear that or did I just want to hear it' - I have it on my discharge papers as well.  Typed out.  "You do not have to do this again".  Thank you, Jesus!

Aw.. it really wasn't that bad, and in taking care of my health, it is one of the preventive things I had to do.  I should also eat better as a preventive thing.... and I don't do that too well... but I'm trying to do better.  Somewhat.  Hold that thought.   Speaking of food... I didn't get my pizza yesterday (the nurse told me that wasn't a good idea; hold the spicy for a day or two) and hubby really made me angry.  Why?  Before I tell you.... let me tell you about this....

This time, the nurse messed up in hitting my vein in my hand for the anesthesia... she blamed it on the needle. It hurt really bad going into the vein and she had to adjust it alot... and I was afraid to look - but I did take a peek and there was blood all over my hand, dripping onto the floor.  She cleaned my hand up, taped the needle down, and cleaned up the floor.  The anesthesiologist had to readjust the needle as the flow of the anesthesia wasn't getting through.  They gave me lynocaine (sp) before they gave a poly drug to knock me out.  This morning the spot in my vein where the needle had been is still all puffed up - which is unusual, based on previous experience.  As long as my blood keeps flowing I guess it's ok and that it will go down to normal size.  I'm partly afraid I might hit it and the weakened spot pop open.  It's about the size of a big fat fishing worm, about a 1/2 inch long.  Those of you who fish know that size.

Anyway... why was I mad at hubby afterwards?  He didn't eat breakfast before we went and he was hangry.  He didn't listen to me... in the past we always went to Dennys and got breakfast...  I suggested Bisccuits as it was just a couple blocks away.  Oh no, he was thinking about Haystacks or Black Bear.  So he drove on by Biscuits and went to Black Bear.  In my mind, I'm not hungry, I just want to go home and sleep and eat later.  So we go to Black Bear and it is full - with lots of people waiting in the lobby.  I told him I was not going to wait.  So then he wanted to go to Mimi's.... by this time I'm frustrated for I just want to be sitting down and quiet and still.... afterall I am still 'recovering', right?  I didn't want to go to Mimi's.  It was like he wasn't even listening to me.  I didn't want to be waited on at a restaurant; I wanted to go home.  I finally suggested we go to Einstein's - he likes their bagel sandwiches, and we both enjoy their coffee.  Grumbling, he finally went to Einsteins when I made it clear I did not want to go to Mimi's either. So we went there, ate, and I finally got to go home and I went to bed and slept for two hours.  But I was angry at him for he wouldn't listen ... all he could think about was getting something to eat.  I didn't want food; I wanted rest. 

The rest of the day was fairly quiet... and of course we had to watch movies last night.  He slept through part of the second one. One positive, I finished a baby blanket I had started the other day, plus I finished an afghan I had been working on.  I crochet when the TV is on.  Win-win, right?

Which reminds me,  one of my granddaughters surprised me with a gift yesterday and I just love it!  I love the surprises that are 'just because I love you'.   She crochet'd for me four coasters in a 'bowl' - but the coasters are in the shape of daisies!  My favorite flowers!   She crochet'd them for me - and I absolutely love them.  I asked her to make some of sunflowers as a gift.  I can't wait to see them - she sent me a photo of one she did last night.  LOL she offered to teach me how to make them - but I know I can't do them justice.  I know that two of my granddaughters are so talented with crafts and I am so proud of both of them.

Which reminds me, my other 'crafty' granddaughter sent me a photo last week - she was doing the creative memory scrapbooks with her mother in law, and sent me a photo of the fold-up she had made of her daughter and I baking cookies last year.  Or was it the year before.  It was such a special surprise to receive that memory.  

2 Peter 1:13 (NIV):  "I think it is right that I refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body."

I pray that I am often reminded of memories with my loved ones, as well as of the goodness of God.  Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget how loved we are.  We get buried in ourselves and forget that we have a choice to make memories, or to forget them.

I want to remember the memories, the good times.  The special things.  I want the things I did with the grandchidlren years ago, to be remembered and that they know how loved and cherished they are in my heart.   I know I was a much better grandma than I was a mom... that's why it is so important that each one of us be a person that our children or grandchildren can look up to.  Do we want our children and grandchildren to imitate us?  There is a lot that I don't want my chidlren and grandchildren to remember, but I do hope they remember the good things, especially how dearly they are loved by me.

Refresh your memory... think about the good times, and rejoice in that memory.  Most of all, pass that memory on; write it down so that it will live.  Let it encourage not only yourself, but those you love.

Blessings!