Sunday was definitely a day of rest yesterday. We didn't go to church, but watched Jentezen on You Tube, and also 'our church' on You Tube as well. (Plus I had already watched the first service of Jentezen Franklin at 6AM. I cooked us eggs and pancake sandwiches for breakfast while we watched. We read in between services and I did a little bit on a Christmas project. I cooked soup for 'linner'. Hubby watched the football game. I set up my kindle and watched The Chosen (some of it) on Amazon Prime. I was still in the same room with him, but he was 'annoyed' that I would watch a movie instead of football with him. (RME) I stopped after one section and went back to my crocheting. Finished up one blanket for Christmas gift and got started on another. Then as I was getting ready for bed, remembered I need to focus more on another project than on the crocheting ones. The other is much more time consuming and can't be carried around with me to complete. And that's all I'll say about that. All in all, it was a quiet day. Last night I realized too that without going out to go to church, I have only been out of the house a couple times this week. The gym, and maybe going to Michaels, and the birthday party - I don't even remember now. These four walls are enclosing me again. I kept telling myself I needed to go see Ms. Vicki - but I did not. Now it will hang over me until I do.
I don't know why I'm not waiting to get out and do stuff. Because I have just gotten lazy? I don't have a life anymore, it feels. I've got to break out of this shell I've allowed to hide me in my withdrawal from life. I don't want to be this way. I think I'm just tired. We went to bed about 8:15PM last night - with hubby complaining 'if I go to bed this early I will be awake at 1AM' - and yet, he followed me to bed. I was awake and up (thanks to the water I drank last night; I knew better, but did it anyway. Sigh) about 3 times from the time I went to bed to about 3AM. Then all I wanted to do was sleep this morning. I don't like being this way. I've got to change. Change my attitude, change my thoughts, change my action. I loved my mother, but I don't want to spend my years sitting in a chair doing nothing. I must make myself DO things, no matter how tired I tell myself I am. Of course my iron level was a 14 when the end of the range was 15 so could that be part of it? I get my mammogram and bone density tests completed on Thursday afternoon; perhaps I will hear from my doctor after that. Or I could check my portal. I just hate it when I read one of the descriptions.... 'obese'. UGH. Can't they put 'pleasantly plump'?
Today I'm back to work and have plenty to do. I do have my gym training tonight, but only tonight this week as Morgan is going on a trip to visit her brother. I COULD do my workout here at home, which is my preference. I will get part of it done, anyway. Tonight is 'legs' as usual. I 'weeble wobble' to my car after my leg workouts. Morgan is tough. I will do an upper body workout later in the week here at home. I just have to suck it up and let hubby ask his questions about what I do and how many, etc. He has to know EVERYthing about me and what I do. I have a board meeting on Wednesday that I will need to take minutes at this week too. Oh joy. I'm so over it. I still need to confirm we are getting all the board members for the meeting. I meant to do it last week but was too busy - and just didn't.
Obviously my thoughts are all over the place this morning. I just glanced over what I have already written and I've got subjects hitting all over the paragraphs. Oh well - you can read through them, right?
I've been reading a proverb a day for my Bible reading this past week. Today's reading caused me to back up and read it again a couple time. I marked it up to just being 'foggy-minded' this morning and not quite alert. But as I was looking for a scripture to write in here, I was once again drawn to part of what I read this morning in The Passion Translation.
The computer is changing everything I type into other words - weird. I write Proverbs and it is changed to the word For. I started typing 'wow this is weird' and it changed the word to Poetry. I'm not laying my hands on the keyboard. Let's see if I can get it now - it seems to be working better. Nope - it's doing it again. Weird. I wonder if I put it in a paragraph that it won't change.
Proverbs 5:21-23 (TPT) For God sees everything you do and his eyes are wide open as he observes every single habit you have. Beware that your sins don't overtake you and that the scars of your own conscience don't become the ropes that tie you up. Those who choose wickedness die for lack of self-control, for their foolish ways lead them astray, carrying them away as hostages - kidnapped captives robbed of destiny.
Not sure what is going on with my computer. If I start a new paragraph it changes the words but if I continue in a paragraph, they type right. What is going on?
Anyway, the scripture above caused me to go back to it a few times and read it. I thought about the habits I have - some good, some bad - and how I sometimes let those habits rule my behavior, my thoughts, my guilt-feelings, my happy place. Do you do that too? I frequently talk about wanting to make changes in my life.... but then do nothing. Same with you? I want to be more active, and yet, because I allow certain things to prevent grievances, I don't do anything. Or I feel I have to 'sneak' to do them. And that's stupid. I honestly feel at times I do not have a life. And yet - that is one of my favorite sayings to people - 'get a life'. I'm sure you have heard me say it at some point. Well, now I point the fingers at myself and say it. I just sit in my corner and be quiet. I don't like me being that way - I have become very introverted. I think part of it is that when we have gone out and been around others, if someone is talking to me, hubby runs over to be part of the conversation, and sometimes just takes it over with his comments. I know he just wants to be valued, but monopolizing the conversation about things he did 50 plus years ago (how is it he can remember working that far back and yet will ask me, as he looks at the chicken on his plate for dinner will ask, "Is this chicken?" I struggle to hold back to make a smart aleck comment like 'no, it's liver'. This isn't a once in awhile comment; it is very frequent, asking what an item is. Is it to make me talk to him? As I said, I have become an introvert and don't talk much. He's noticed and commented on it when around other people. I'm not talking as much around others (unless it is about a book I read and then I get told I monopolized the conversation). Lord, HELP.
And with that - oh my goodness - NOW it is letting me start a new paragraph! Without changing my words! What in the world was going on with my computer? The last 4 paragraphs every time I started it - the words changed as I typed. And now - well, I reckon I had better get off while it's working. Nothing to share anyway - just my usual ramblings.
And it is starting to do it again (third time starting this paragraph). So I will hush. Don't let your habits overtake your life. Be in control of your words, of your actions. I'm also speaking to myself here. I need to become alive again. And sometimes all one can do is pray and trust that God will open up ways for you to breathe, to talk, to be who He created you to be. Free.
Blessings!
