Since I am taking today off work, I am on my second cup of coffee. I am hoping that I can sort out and wrap some of the Christmas gifts I have stacked here on the floor. With my family continuously growing, I have lots to buy for, but at least I've gotten an early start - and I am buying less this year. Whether it is believed or not. LOL
I was going to cancel 'girls night out' last night as I had a training at 5PM, but when hubby kept asking/pushing on whether or not I was going - I decided to just go. My daughter and I had a nice dinner together and then I came home - got here about 10 minutes before hubby did. A few minutes reprieve, if you will. I rarely get on facebook anymore - but for some reason I got to watching reels and scanning - until hubby, who had also been on his phone ever since he came home (and often spends the evening doing it), berated me with "well, if you aren't going to talk with me I'm going to bed!" Rolling my eyes at him, I commented back - if we are both on our phones, we don't normally 'talk'! (I had asked about his study and our friend when he first got home.) He stormed off; I noticed the time and decided to just go to bed as well. So I did and was nearly asleep before he finally made it to bed. Geez.
I woke up at 12:15, 2:15, 4AM; and finally arose at 5-ish. Of course hubby got up right after me so that he could bring me my coffee.
I really do miss the days when I would arise at 4AM and do my quiet time for an hour; at 5AM start getting dressed for work, and 6AM get out the door to head to work. The hour I had alone in my car with God and just thinking - was precious time. It's hard to explain. I never wanted to work from home. I still don't want to work from home, but it has great advantages, especially with doctor appointments or needing to run to the grocery. I miss the social interaction. I don't care much for being in a prison and glued to the computer all day. I'll leave that there. Some days is worse than others. I am NOT at his beck and call, although he thinks I am. His friends have either moved away, had a stroke, or has Alzheimer, and there is no other man that he meets for a meal or coffee. I miss those mornings when he was gone 3-4 hours to chat with his friends. He's only gone Tuesday nights and Friday mornings now. It makes for very long weeks, if you know what I mean.
Am I complaining? Probably. I keep encouraging him to ask other men who are retired to meet with him, but he hasn't. Yet. Since we are making friends at our church, perhaps he will now. Even with working, I love having breathing room.
I have decided to do a 40 day fast. I'm using the book The Call to Die by David Nasser. I'm struggling to determine what to fast from. In the introduction, he says it doesn't have to be food (which my immediate thought was BBCD - no bread, beef, chocolate, or desserts) but then again, Thanksgiving is within that forty days, and I need to bake cookies, like today to take tonight. I could give up sodas, but I rarely drink them. Coffee? I would, but hubby would not be happy if he couldn't bring my coffee every morning. I'm still struggling to find a specific 'thing', but I'm leaning towards just changing up what I do each morning in here. I read in a couple books, pray, read my Bible (but not always if I run out of time), and write in here. Do I give this up for 40 days? I'm thinking of cutting back my extra reading (instead choose to read it at night) and specifically spend time reading my Bible, reading the daily in the book, praying, and of course writing in here. Yeah, I could share what I'm learning, right? I'm actually starting it tomorrow, I think. I want to determine what to fast from before I commit to the 40 days. I miss the days when my life was more simple. I've made it more complicated, I think.
My youngest son should be making it home from all his travels some time today. It will be good to have him home again. He can take care of his daughter and the 'name situation'. When I asked her on Sunday what she was going to do.... it was "I don't know" which means she probably won't do anything. I get so frustrated with her and her indecision and reluctance to do anything. And I'll leave that there.
Matthew 16:24 (NIV): "Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.'"
We are so self-centered that denying ourselves anything is hard. Perhaps that is why I am struggling on what to fast from. Is it that I don't want to make it difficult for myself? Is it that I am afraid of failing? I can remember times when I've fasted and succeeded. What is my problem? Other than I usually get 'push back' from 'someone' about fasting. I'm going to starve or waste away, if I give up food, right? Sigh. I keep asking God what does He want me to fast from. I need to shut down this computer and sit and listen for His response. I want to do it all! Fasting used to be like second nature for me. At least once a week I was fasting. Then, life put it on pause. Getting back to it is difficult.
I need to sit myself down and talk to God and listen to what He has to say to me. I can't live this life in my own way, as much as I try to. If I am following after Jesus, then I must lay down the things I hold on to (emotions, attitudes, etc.) that keep me from emptying myself, and just do it.
What about you? What is holding you back from denying yourself and taking up the cross of Jesus. Does it even cross your mind? I have struggled with this for some time, and still struggle with it. The human side fights with the spiritual side, right? I WANT to do it, but allow my life circumstances overrule what I feel I should do. I've got to take a firm stand. I'm hoping that going through this book will help me refocus and get back on track. Following Jesus is a full time job, not a one time stand. Maybe tomorrow I will remember and will write what I have (finally) chosen to fast from. It doesn't have to be food. I just need to make that call.
How about fasting with me? I have lots of things to pray for, I have relatives with medical issues I want to see miraculously healed. God can do all things, what am I willing to give up to ask for it? Ouch. This can hurt, can't it! It will be worth it. No matter if God answers the request the way I want Him to, or He resolves it in His way..... His way is always better.
Increase my faith, Lord. Keep my eyes on You and not on the issues surrounding me. Your Word says You work all things for my good. I am believing You for Your Word. Hear my prayers, O Lord, change ME, and bring hope and healing to those who need the touch of Your hand, the glance from Your eyes. Help us to still believe in miracles.
Blessings!
