Back to normal as far as sleeping, I guess...

 Yeah, I took a nap yesterday after church, and wasn't doing my yawning last night - but when hubby was, and said he was going to bed around 8:30PM, I figured I may as well.  It's our usual bedtime anyway.  But, I couldn't get to sleep.  I refused to look at the clock for then I'd just count how long I'd been awake, analyze if I slept at all, etc.  So I don't feel like I slept well at all last night.  And today is another work day.  It was a good, relaxing weekend though.  I did go to the grocery yesterday as I told hubby I'd make eggs ole' for his Bible study Tuesday, and I knew I had to get a few things for it.  By then I was desperate for 'alone' time - 24x7 with someone is not my thing - unless it is Jesus.   I did take advantage of my 'alone' time by calling my little sister and we talked as I picked up things at the grocery.  As they say, I 'killed two birds with one stone'.  Neither of us had much to talk about, but at least I touched base and now can let it go for a couple days. 

We had a guest pastor yesterday and he was good.  He had spoken before Christmas and shared a book he wrote called 'Journey to the Manger' - and this time he shared his newest book - 'Journey to the Cross'.  I'm still favoring the 'Journey to the Cross' that I've read the past two years approaching Easter.  It's by Paul David Tripp.  Really enjoy it.  But, I will read this one as well.  I did enjoy Jon's first book. 

I think our church is having difficulty in getting people to sign up for what is called 'heart crews'.  I'm thinking most people are like me - they'd rather meet at the church rather than at a person's hoe.  And then too, since we are charging for the books; people don't want to pay.  I can remember when we taught classes on Wednesday nights at a former church, hundreds would come out to attend classes.  You come on Wednesday, you go to a class and we had a variety.  This is a new thing for our church and Wednesday nights are taken for prayer.  I don't know how many classrooms this church has, but not enough for adults to have a room or two, I don't think.  All I've seen are set up for children and youth.  Anyway - long story short, unless I get an email that someone signed up at church yesterday, to my knowledge, we won't be having a class.  Which is ok.  It is not in God's timing, or the church's timing, to have this class.  Discipleship training is so critical for people and it helps them grow so much.  But people don't want to pay.  The other classes are following the preacher's message and discuss it.  I wanted more meat than that. And, if I am not to teach, that's fine.  I begged to let me have it at the church for I really believe that people would come.  It could also be we are further north than most and they don't want to drive here.  You know, location, location, location.  I'm ok with not teaching.  I put it out there, and I truly believe that at some point people will want discipleship.  Perhaps this was a 'me' wanting to teach thing versus what God wanted to do.  Time will tell.  I believe it will happen; I just don't know when God will orchestrate it.  This church is still a 'baby' - only a couple years old.  People aren't used to putting themselves out yet, unless it's at church.  I counted and there were only six or nine groups starting, I think, and as I mentioned, they were to discuss the pastor's message the week before.  Stay tuned.  I may hear something yet.

Hubby goes to the gym this morning (yay!) and I start back tonight.  I bumped up my time to 4:30PM so that I could get back in time if we started having group in our home, but may go back to 5PM.  Sometimes I end up working a bit later than I mean to.  Will have hubby check with the trainer if he wants to move me back to 5PM for tonight - he agreed to 4:30, but it also cuts into his personal training time.  Sure do love this man - he's 21 - love him like a grandson.  He mentioned a few weeks ago he couldn't find his Bible.  His girlfriend and he have been going to CCV and really like it.  So hubby and I decided to buy him a new Bible - and did - and hubby will take it to him this morning.  Hubby even wanted to pay for it - and I let him!  

John 8:31-32 (NKJV):  "Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed him, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.""

Have you ever noticed how freeing the Truth is?  When you hear something and you know that it is true, isn't there a sense of relief?  A freeing of the heart and mind that you know that you know - that what you have heard, or seen, is truth?

The Bible is the greatest truth there is.  I go to my Bible daily because I know it helps me live the way I should.  I'm not a 'bad' person.  I don't think I have ever been a 'bad person', but I was set free from life as it was when I accepted Jesus as Lord of my life.  He broke the bondages that held me back.  He's still working on me in some areas.  Yeah, I keep holding back on some that is so hard to let go of - the devil just doesn't want me to let go of these things and will constantly bring up things in my mind that makes me think about them.  But when that happens, I have learned to just pray a short prayer of 'Lord help!" and He helps me get past it.  

I love people, but I have to admit, there are some I don't like their behavior. I know they lie.  I know they think they are perfect, and are always the victim in every circumstance... and sometimes when I see a post, I want to comment on it.... but God always holds me back. And for that, I'm grateful, cause it wouldn't do anything to them but confirm they are a victim.  And I'm a bad person.  I am responsible for my actions, and if I want to reflect Jesus, sometimes that means that I need to keep my mouth shut and my fingers from typing what I'm really thinking, right?  

When I choose to abide in Jesus, and He abides in me, I choose the life of joy and happiness in Him.  My life is not perfect, by any means.  I've shared that many times (probably way too much of the time) of my pain and frustrations in this life.  I probably have the 'power' to change my reactions to things, but my 'don't want to' rears its ugly head and I resist.  But what if, just what if, I tried compassion like Jessu' had.  What if, I loved like Jesus loved, even those who were not kind.  What if, I looked beyond the words or actions, and loved that person anyway?

Isn't that what Jesus did?  And if I want to be like Jesus, why is that so hard?  Why is it so hard to love people who are hard to love?  Or is it that we love them, but we certainly don't like them?  Who are we to judge?  God is the great judge of us all.  He shows no preference that I went to church and that person didn't.  He looks at our hearts, and if we are following Him.  I am not to judge anyone else... and I certainly hope that no one judges me.  I am not perfect by any means.  When my friend at work says that I help her by talking to her about Jesus, I am the one who is encouraged and blessed.  All I do is share what I have learned.

Which reminds me.  A pastor we all know who used to be at our former church and is now a motivational speaker for Jesus has this thing she calls 'Wild Women of God' in Atlanta, Georgia 3-4 times a year.  It's costly (to those of us who don't have a lot of money) but there are three levels of study, the best one of course gets her personal attention100%.  The next best is probably 80%, and the lowest is probably 75%.  I wanted to go a year ago and my little sister wanted to go too; wanted us to go together.  I could come up with it (probably $2K between airfare and the 4-5 day session) but she couldn't.  I could probably manage it later in this year, but I mentioned it to my friend from work - and she and I discussed possibly going NEXT year - 2025.  I knew my sister's jealousy would arise if I chose my friend over her, so I mentioned it to my sister that 2025 may be the year to go.  I asked her to start saving money and we could plan (and yes, I told her about my friend from work wanting to go as well) on going.  The cost of the 4-5 day sessions covers everything - from hotel, food, travel to and from places in Atlanta, and the expense of the sessions.  The cost I would 'own' is my travel to and from Atlanta.  I figured it out last year and the total of it all was about $2K.  And it would be with several other women (there are 17 in the sessions going on now) and I could make new friends.  Then I argue with myself that at 75, am I too old to even consider this.... when I mentioned it to hubby, he said 'you are not too old and if you want to go and we can afford it - plan on it!  So I do have his 'permission' to attend if I choose to.  It would be fun to have my friend go with me on the travel part.  And she's about 20 years younger, I'd guess.  Now if my sister can save the money to attend too, it will be much better. 

Ok - I'm rambling again, aren't I?  I do that so well, don't you agree?  But typing it out sometimes helps my thought process.  At least it gives me something to look forward to - since I can't look forward to retirement any time soon.  Then I definitely would not have any money to go anywhere.  

But I want to learn more about Jesus.  And I want to be His witness to the world.  I want to be known as a Follower of Jesus Christ, and a godly woman of God.  And the more I can learn, the more it helps me.  No one knows the struggles I have within me at times, no, not even you.  I hold so much in, and it has affected me a lot.  I am learning I need to 'let it go'.  I pray about it... but then I pick up the baggage and continue to carry it.  I need to put it down and walk away from it.  Jesus can take care of it so much better than I.

On a side note, for those who know my sister and her husband..... his cancer came out of remission and for the past few weeks he has been getting radiation on new spots that appeared on his back (multiple myeloma).  Today he starts intense chemo treatments.  He is going to be very sick, and he is already so weak he can barely get around and all he does is sit in his chair all day with the TV.  Eats very, very little, and is down to just skin and bones.  Please pray for his healing, that he will start eating (although with chemo I hear you 'lose' more weight cause of the throwing up) and gain weight.  He has told my sister he doesn't expect to last the year.  They didn't even go to Florida this winter; he didn't have the strength to help drive, although the sun may be good for him.  Cold and snow there now; I'm sure that doesn't help.  Would appreciate your prayers for him.

Blessings!

Now that was a surprise!

 My little sister sent me a copy of a text from someone whom we both know, but haven't seen in years.  This person attended 'my' church years ago and I took Discipleship under her and even was one of her 'roosters', as we called ourselves.  We haven't been in contact for years other than facebook.  She is a well known speaker now and head of Teach One Lead One.'   I knew she started this year doing a 5 day session called 'Wild Women of God' and had a class last month I think it was.  It was about a July session that my little sister got a personal invitation from her about.  My sister knows her through me, and when this person was in Indiana several years ago for a confernce and stayed overnight with my sister at her home.  I think that is their connection.   Anyway, her last sentence in this text was to also invite me.  Admittedly, it made me feel funny to be included that way.  This person taught me so much about loving Jesus as my personal Savior.  She taught me, through Discipleship, about prayer, about spending a daily quiet time with God first thing every morning (and I still get up early to do that), about tithing, about surrendering everything to Jesus.  And she taught me so much more.  Nearly 40 years ago I took that year long class, and I want to believe that I have continued to grow over the years because of her influence through that class.

I read my sister's email to hubby and his response totally surprised me.  He asked me first about the cost, cause I had looked it up on the website, just curious what the cost would be.  Then he said, "If you can find a way to go, I give you my blessing to attend."  What?  He would let me go?   After a bit of discussion, I have pretty much decided I will not go - at least not this time.  She 'personally invited' (so the email said) my sister to attend, and 'tell xxxx she can attend too'.  Yes, I would love to have someone mentor me and help me grow in my faith.  For the past several years I have been struggling after being verbally attacked about my relationship with Christ.  My confidence was shattered by words spoken and I am now always conscious of my words and actions.  Yes, I allowed another person to beat me up.  And I have struggled since then to get past the damage done to my mind and heart.  I have forgiven... but it isn't as easy to forget the unexpected crushing words.  The devil constantly reminds me of them.

IF my sister could attend, I would perhaps find a way to go.  The cost isn't so out of the question.  There are three prices, and the first one is around $1400, but that also includes 5 days of hotel and all meals and transportation from the airport and back.  I would only have to pay for my airline ticket, and take the days off work.  I know my sister financially cannot attend, and since I was not 'personally invited', and she was, part of me longs to learn, but the other part says I can't go because that would be a slam to my sister who cannot afford to go.  I know - that doesn't make sense, it's just who I am.  I don't want to cause conflict.  Money is the root of all evil.

But there is another conference called the 'Divine Conference' that Free Chapel is doing in September - and since I bought tickets to attend last year, I got them half price.  So I have my ticket.  And it's in Gainsville, Georgia.  I mentioned it to hubby last night as we were talking about the other... and told him that my sister had also bought a ticket to it.  It's a 10 hour drive from Indiana.  He actually suggested if I chose not to go to the other, I go to this one in September with my sister.  In fact, he shocked me by saying I could fly to Indiana and drive out with my sister to attend.  Who is this person?  I appreciate the fact I'm not having to demand I get to go, but instead, he is saying, 'go! with my blessing!'   I don't know though.  Need to process this one.  I really wanted to go when I bought the ticket. I really want to grow and be with other women who want to grow in the Lord.  Praying about this one.

Hubby goes in for his aneurysm surgery on his leg today.  I've got the day off work and although it is 'timecard Monday', was able to get everyone to approve their timecards last Friday and I approved them.  I'll get on the computer this morning to make sure I got everyone approved.  Hubby isn't as anxious as he was the first surgery, but is very concerned that the hospital told him the surgery had been coded wrong and they were working on it, but he will have to sign papers that if the insurance refuses to approve/pay for the surgery, he will be responsible for it.  That would make me concerned too.  I'm trusting God to work it out.  It's easy sometimes to pull the wrong code and this doctor's office, although he is the best in the nation at what he does, doesn't have a real sharp office staff sometimes.  We will be heading over to the hospital in a bit (because of the insurance issue, the hospital moved his surgery back two hours so they can get it fixed).  Hoping and praying that all goes well, and that we will be back home by mid-afternoon.  They don't intend to admit him this time... it just depends on how long the surgery is and he comes out of the anesthesia.  Appreciate your prayers for the doctors and for hubby as the surgery progresses.  His surgery was at 8AM... I think it's at 10AM now, but will need to check with him as now I don't remember.

And for now, I need to check my work computer for the timecards and then get dressed to head out the door.  We will have to leave soon.   

Zephaniah 3:17 (NKJV):  "The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

As you can see, my thoughts are elsewhere this morning, conferencees, surgery...  and it will all work out.  Hopefully I can remember to tell you about what I learned yesterday at church.  It was a really good service.  Until then, 

Blessings!