To say I am irritated this morning...

 would be an understatement.  I have spent the last 30+ minutes working on my Southwest Airlines account because I received notification that my account had been accessed and my email changed.  So of course I don't click on those links provided but go to Southwest Airlines website. Sure enough, someone changed my email and something else; don't remember.  I made a copy of the information that was changed and went in and after numerous tries, finally got my email and password changed.  It annoys me that people do that.  My gmail account has been hacked a few times and going through google to fix those issues is a pain in the behind.  This one only took me a bit of time.  I plan to call Southwest later and give them the email that was attached to my account so that they can follow-up on it.  I am concerned because my account is connected to my credit card, and yes, I checked it and no activity on it.  No flights have been created and everything else seemed fine.  But I'm irritated and annoyed that people do that.  Pathetic people - right?  So that has used a large portion of my time this morning because I felt it was important to get taken care of.

A song came in to my mind in the early morning hours so when my alarm buzzed, I was already waking up, and I got up a bit after 4AM.  Hubby slept until 5-ish, I think, and that's ok.  He brought my coffee in once he got up.  But with working on the Southwest issue, and doing my other things, I'm about out of time this morning to write in here.  But I will write nonsense, for how else will you start your day?

I have a lot to do for work today. My male boss has hired a new employee so that will require me inputting several service hub requests to make sure the computer he receives allows him into all the drives and programs that he needs.  This is part of my job that I don't like.    Well, not just one part, but one of many at times.  Maybe it's time I retire.  Yeah. Maybe.  HAH!

Hubby's questions to me at times are getting alarming.  Things like, when looking at food I put on his plate he will ask, "what is this?".  Don't laugh - this IS unusual.  The other night it was rice pilaf,  He has eaten it many times.  But this time he asked what it was.  Last night I heated up my leftover parm chicken from Olive Garden - it had 1 1/2 pieces cause I had eaten only half of one chicken... and he asked me what the other (half) piece was.  There have been a few other instances - such as yesterday asking me to come help him with his computer and he had googled Word and was asking how does he get to a blank document.  I showed him the icon at the bottom of his screen (W) and brought it up for him, and told him not to download anything; just hit that icon.  These are things he knows - and this scares me with all the questions.  I will probably be writing a letter to his doctor again soon to let him know some of these things going on because even though I tell hubby to tell his doctor he is forgetting things, I am sure he 'forgets' to do so.  

I know getting older is difficult.  I am going through some things now and remind myself it's ok if I don't feel like I can do some things.  I hope that I keep an open mind and will acknowledge I have some problems as I continue to age.  Sure, I want to be clear-minded and sharp - but not everyone ends up that way.  What has helped me is work and reading.  Crochet/knitting does not help my mind.  But it is enjoyable.  I seem to be on edge a lot lately, wondering what hubby is going to do - or not do - and I don't know how to help him.  It isn't that he is so 'bad' or that this is a constant thing - it is not.  But it happens often enough lately that I am really concerned.  Lord, help!!

Psalm 30:10 (NIV): Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!

Sometimes all we can do is call out to the Lord to help us.  I do it throughout the day - especially when I'm trying to find time for meetings!  (BTW I did get all the board meetings scheduled the other day, thanks to the Lord.)  I often grow weary but must keep working.  One of these days I am going to sit hubby down and make him tell me specifically why he refuses to give me 'permission' to retire.  Yeah, I like having spending money, but to gain freedom, which is more important?  I have a feeling he feels he won't be able to meet his friends when he wants to for meals if I'm not working.  Like, I will pay for him to go have lunch with them!  I love my freedom!  LOL  

Well, it's now 7:01 and I need to get on the work computer so this is shorter than usual.  Hope that you have a day full of exciting and fun things.

Blessings!

An ok and not so ok day....

 After I got dressed for church, hubby came to me, still in jammies, and said he wasn't going as he didn't feel well.  So I finished getting ready and headed out the door.  I had even given a brief thought to not going myself, just wasn't feeling it.  But, I was already dressed, so went.  Shortly after I arrived, the administrator came to me and asked if I could help pass out the 'new people cards' to those who raise their hand if it is their first time there.  I said no. She persisted; they were short people and needed someone to cover the side we sit in.  Long story short.... I got handed a stack of cards to pass out.  Now I don't know why I was so rude and reluctant to just pass out cards when people are asked to raise their hands if it is their first time visit.... I don't have an answer, because I don't know.  But I did it, and it didn't hurt me one bit.  I do know that I wrote an apology to the administrator this morning for being such a 'grumpypants' yesterday.  That is not who I am, and I want to be involved in doing things at church.  All I can think of is that I am mentally tired, I just wanted to sit at Jesus' feet yesterday morning, lost in my thoughts.  And I was 'encouraged' to step out of my comfort zone and do something.  I think I would have been better off staying home and curling up with my Bible.  But, I did go, I did distribute the cards as requested... and I did write an apology note this morning.  I also told her that I would prefer being a greeter, but I could pass out the cards occasionally.  No excuses.  I still don't know why I behaved the way I did.

I can only chalk it up to mental exhaustion.  Even this morning, I feel so exhausted.  My mind won't let me sleep past 3:30AM.  I even tried to sleep in here this morning, and my mind won't shut off. Still beating myself up about my behavior yesterday morning.  And you know that is the devil doing that to me.  He just won't give me any rest about it.  I got news for him.  I apologized, and now I'm done with it.

I knew we had leftovers so didn't pick up lunch.  But, after I got home, decided to fix TV dinners instead. And then I started reading... and took a nap.  Only slept about 30 minutes, but I guess it helped my crankiness.  We will eat the leftovers for lunch today; I ended up buying us sugar-free butterfinger shakes from One Nutrition Stop.  They are so good and taste just like a butterfinger!  That was dinner.

I finished two books yesterday.  I think I'm 11 in already for the year.  I can beat my goal of 50 if I keep up on it.  I just finished Unshakeable Hope by Max Lucado.  It was a really good book.  I love the way he writes; but haven't read many of his books for awhile.  This was his 40th book so I probably haven't read at least 35 of them.  New goal?  LOL  Easy reading, and life encouraging.  Lord knows I can use some encouragement - and so can you.  I saw a couple of his books at Savers but didn't get them.... now I'm thinking maybe I should go back and get them.  LOL  I've got too many other books right here I want to read; don't need to run off and get more.  I've already read one of the 5 books I picked up on Saturday.  I love being able to withdraw inside a book and shut the world out.

Back to work today, and I know I have timecards to start out with. No biggie anymore since all our salaried.  But I do still need to fix one guy's card from the previous pay period; he took two days off and didn't report it until I had already approved and he got paid. He'd still get paid; I just need to have the hours deducted from his PTO.  I really do need to get it done.

Wednesday I get to have breakfast with my favorite boss and I am looking forward to that.  Friday... sigh... is a team building event with my other boss.  Quite honestly, I don't want to go, although I know it will be fun.  I live the farthest out and I need to drive to Tempe.  And I don't want to. Just not in the right frame of mind.  Oh - our team building activity?  Axe Throwing.  Yep. There are places that you can go and throw axes.  Just what I want to do for an hour.  Then we will have pizza and I'll do the hour drive back home.  And you know what?  I'll check messages when I get back, but I don't think I will go 'back to work' unless my favorite boss has something for me to do.  I am just that tired; mentally and I guess physically.  My eyes burn a lot (from reading too much?) and I'm just tired.  I want to run away and just be .....  do you ever feel that way?   Can I just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and shut out the world for a few days?

Hubby keeps telling me he likes my hair since I got it cut the other day.  And no, not short.  It is shorter, but not as short as he likes.  I think it is more he likes my bangs.  I do too, for that matter.  I'm still going to let it grow back out.  But I do like my bangs.

Psalm 121:1-2 (NIV):  "I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord; the Maker of heaven and earth."

Out here we have a few mountains around us, and whenever I take the time to pause my life and look up at them, I am always reminded of this scripture.  I am so dependent upon the Lord just to live through each day, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have Him near me.  Even today, I feel so worn out and exhausted, so beaten up and weary..... I can go out and look far out, and see the mountains... and I am reminded of how much He loves me and cares for me.  He neither slumbers nor sleeps, for He is always watching out for me.  And for that, I'm so grateful.  

Lamentations 3:21-24   (NIV)  "Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we ae not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on him."

I am always reminded of His faithfulness to me.  I am a mess sometimes (and feel that way right now)... and yet, my hope is in Him alone.  I know that 'this too shall pass' - my mama always said so.  I think I just need a break from life.  And in a couple weeks, we will get away for a couple days and I can spend quality time with Jesus.  And I am so looking forward to that.  I desperately need to close my mind to work and life and just sit in HIs presence.  There isn't any other place I'd rather be.

Blessings!

He actually 'scared' me last night....

 As I was getting ready to leave for 'girls night out' and head to my daughters', I picked up my keys that were laying on the counter next to our Alexa portal.  I must have touched it as I picked them up, or it 'sensed' my hand next to it - I don't know - but as I turned around, hubby is standing in front of the portal and staring at it.... and he says... "did that just turn on by itself?"  Now mind you, we have had it right where it is, for about two years.  I often have it playing music.  He has 'talked' to Alexa to turn on or turn off.  I paused and said, "perhaps I brushed against it when I picked up my keys and it turned on."  He continues to stare at it and says "will it shut off by itself?"   Now that may sound like a simple question for someone who has never seen an Alexa portal before, but I must admit that his questions scared me.  Lately, a lot of his questions scare me.

Earlier, as I was preparing to leave, he asked me if I had any money.  Usually I don't, but recently I've taken to try and pay cash for everything rather than use my debit card so I did have some.  I handed him a $20 bill and he asked if I had anything smaller, that he needed to go to the bank (as a side comment).  I told him I had a $5 but what could he buy with that?  (Tuesday nights he meets with his friend and usually has dinner).  He just said he'd bring back my change.  THEN he gets up and heats up leftovers for his dinner.  $5 would have been enough if he just wanted coffee, right?  Unless the coffee is served in a gold cup.  But at IHOP?  He mentioned my change was on the counter when I got home - but I haven't picked it up yet.

It's just the little things that are out of the ordinary like this that scare me.  Plus our trainer told me the other day that he has noticed changes in hubby since he started with him in April.  I am thinking I need to send a letter to his doctor and ask him to do more extensive tests on mental.  What he does now (per hubby) to test his mental status is talk with him, ask some direct questions, then the doctor leaves the room for 5-10 minutes and then comes back in and asks the same questions.  Hubby answers them the same way so the doctor says he is fine.  I have been praying for hubby more than usual... I don't know how to deal with this.  I try to be calm and respond appropriately, but last night, that scared me.  Lord HELP!!  

And you know he notices it too when he has asked me to drive the last 3-4 times we have gone someplace together.  His excuse for asking me to drive is he has to watch his gas as he has 3-4 doctor appointments this week.  (so put gas in the car, right?)    I did check the bank account this morning that he controls - it is way down from what it used to be, but I skimmed through everything and it all looks appropriate.  Nothing out of whack, other than he spends over $100 a week on his lunches and dinners with his friends.  But hey - that's his life now, I can't take that away from him.  AND, I'm making him pay for his own training.  You know I can't do anything without him doing it too - so I make him pay for it.  And he does keep it current.  I can't afford for both of us so it's ok.  He needs to 'own it'.

Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)  "Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD!"

That wasn't really the scripture I was thinking of putting next - but it speaks to me, somewhat.  Yes, I'm struggling with the current situation with hubby, but I know that the Lord is going to help me get through this odd time.  I can't call it a strange time, or even an awkward time... it is just.............. time.  I will have these (if I don't already!) times as well.... I just haven't been around people - surprisingly, since I love 'old' people and have pretty much hung around them - and now live in the area with them!)... I just don't know how to handle some situations.  But obviously, I'm doing something right.  I am not bashing hubby for getting old... far from it.  We all will (or are) go through this stage at some point - and that is a good thing for it means we are still alive.  I guess I will be needing to learn how to respond (not in surprise shock) when unusual questions come up.  Who are these women who are always so patient with their hubbys?  I am afraid I don't have much patience anymore... and I always thought I did.  Does that make me a bad person?

But it is a good scripture for it reminds me that the Lord can get me through anything - even this.  And if I bring it to Him every morning, every time something troubles me, I know that He will strengthen me and help me deal with whatever comes.  Part of my sharing so much on here is that some family members read... and it keeps them updated as well ... and they know how (and I pause here because I can't think of the right word to use) crazy I can be when things are out of the norm.  And this is definitely out of the norm for me.  LORD HELP!  I need His strength, His courage, and I need His kind patience.  He can work through me.  I just need to get out of the way so that He can.

Blessings!

I may get an ulcer before this is done....

 besides the drama going on .... I didn't share this the other day... well, I did... but then erased it.  I had hoped we were done with this situation, but alas, it seems we are not.  Hubby responded to a scam last Friday, I think it was... we got our money back that they tried to take out of the joint account.... but... the bank insisted we change our checking account.  I may have mentioned that part.  Anyway... the account was changed... which meant I had to go in to my direct deposit account at work and remove the old account and insert the new one.  Hindsight I should have left it alone until after today as the two accounts are linked for 90 days.  Well... in removing the 'old' account, somehow I removed mine as well, and I had to add the new one and mine back in .... which threw them into pending.... sigh.  I did get an email that I'll get a 'global pay card'.... I'm hoping it will come in the mail today because the paycheck did not hit the new or old account, nor did it hit my account.  Which means... "where is my paycheck?"  UGH.  At least there is enough money in savings to cover any bills that are due, but it's going to be frustrating waiting on the mail to be delivered to see if it comes today - or tomorrow.   I think he feels remorseful he did this to us...because it has been one thing after another.  I didn't get a new debit card, but he did.  He tried to use it yesterday and was told it wasn't good.  He went down to the bank and it was all screwed up.  Another card will be mailed to him.  I have to go down and get one for myself, although I never use that account for anything.  But, one never knows, some day I may need to.  It's going to be a l-o-n-g day.  But it hasn't stopped hubby from meeting his friends for breakfast and dinner!  Oh no!  He just asked me for money or my debit card.  And of course I gave it to him.... heaven forbid he would just grab something here and then have coffee.  He says he is keeping track so that he can reimburse me... uh yeah....  so whenever this 'global pay card' arrives, I will have to go to the bank and 'deposit' it into my account.  I know how much goes into the joint account so I can just write hubby a check to take in and deposit.  

And you will be proud of me.... I didn't get angry and go off on him.  He has made a real mess of things with the checking account... grateful I have my own account that I still have access to.  And last night we had another 'discussion' about his driving....  I don't want to ride with him anymore..... he makes me nervous....   I'm going to tell him that I don't want to go to the cabin in August for vacation.... I know he won't let me drive.  His pride keeps getting in the way.   I need to figure out a plan to just stay home and maybe do short trips... I don't know... maybe go stay at a hotel nearby for a couple weekends.  After all, the vacation is his, not mine.... I only get a change of scenery.  I still have to figure out meals and cook them.  Only I have a plan this time; if he insists we go to the cabin... I'm going to buy TV dinners for every meal.  We can have those and shakes.  After all, I would be on vacation, right?  Where we are going only has one restaurant in that area and it's not for breakfast.... just for lunch and dinner.

Am I grumbling this mornings?  I'm just so tired with all that is going on.  Is tired the word, or drained?  One thing for sure, I have spent a lot more time praying about things than I have in a long time.  

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NKJV):  "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Sometimes it is hard to rejoice when the hard times come; it's hard to give thanks.  Praying without ceasing?  Well, some days I know I do that, even before all the drama.  Sometimes I am constantly asking God to help me do something.  Sometimes I am just asking Him to hold me.  Sometimes I am asking Him to heal me.  Sometimes I am asking Him for the strength to endure life.  One thing for sure that has been proven..... He is the ONLY one I can run to when I struggle with whatever I'm going through.  Yes, I have written much in here, and have probably shared way too much of my life on here; not what I originally wanted to do with this.  But perhaps even that is a good thing.

Life is not a bed of roses.  You know that.  I know that.  Even in the life of someone who loves Jesus and has surrendered their life to Him; trials and tribulations come.  The enemy is always trying to cause conflict and he does a good job of it.  It could just be a word, a stare, a silence... and it can set me or others off.  You know it happens to you as well.  

Lord, HELP!!

But I have HOPE.  I may struggle in my life.  I may be broken at times.  I may shed many tears over situations.  I may spend many hours in prayer.  I may not know what to do about life situations.  All I can do is pray.  And I can have HOPE because I believe in the ONE who gives me HOPE.

I tell you what..... if I didn't have Jesus.... my life would be a lot different.... I may not e.en be here for hard life causes one to do stupid things.   But.Jesus.  It is HIS hand I cling to in times like this.  It is HIM I run to with my tears that fall unbidden.  It is HIM who gathers me into His arms and holds me when I am hurting so bad I can't share.  No one knows me like Jesus does.  He is not only my Lord and Savior, my Hope, He is also my friend.

He's your friend too.  He will always be avaialble to listen to you.  He will always be there for you, when everyone else walks away.  You, too, can have Hope, because of Jesus.  Trust Him.  Talk to Him. Surrender to Him.  He's waiting for you.

Blessings!

Lord, HELP!

 That was the title of our message yesterday at church and it was a good one.  Whew - it really was a good message!  It was based on Psalm 107 and as I read it this morning, I noted there are 4 times that the people cried out "Lord, Help!".  And each time, the next line reads, "And He...." .  "And He delivered them out of their distresses" (vs 8).  "And He saved them out of their distresses." (vs13).  "And He saved them out of their distresses." (vs 19).  "And He brings them out of their distresses." (vs 28).  

I love the beginning of verse 29 - "He calms the storm."  

How many times do we do things OUR way and then find we made a mess of it?  Perhaps we saw something that was a bit out of our financial means and we coveted it, and got it, knowing that we really could not afford it?  I think most of us have done that.  Or we had an expense come up that we just didn't have the money for and we scraped in all we could and then literally begged that they would fix the problem and let us pay on installment.  I know we have done both.  Praise God we have also learned over the years to NOT give in to the covetness of something that we can not afford, or something that would stress us until it was paid for.  And Praise God He provides for us the resources to save some money to pay for those necessary expenses that pop up on occasion.

Although some things happen that are OUR own faults and we still have to pay for them.  I find it interesting that when hubby breaks something and it costs $200-$300 to fix that our savings account is our "emergency fund".  However, let there be a bill come up that he doesn't want to pay (i.e., the Rec bill that we have to pay every year but we don't always use), he will ask me for my savings to pay it. (we ended up splitting it this year.  I knew the money was in the joint savings; I just didn't want to argue over it.) Apparently I am more of a saver than he is.  Which is also why I can't tell him how much I have in savings (not that it is a whole lot); if he knows I have it, he will find ways to spend it.

But back to the 'Lord Help', many times we don't have because we don't ask the Lord for help.  How many times have you struggled through something and tried to figure it out on your own?  Did you know that you don't have to figure it out on your own?  All you have to do is ask - "Lord, Help"! And He will.

There are numerous times the Bible shares, especially in the Old Testament - again going to Psalm 107 and you read this....

Psalm 107:6, 13, 19, 28 (NKJV):  "Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble....."   and the words next are "And He delivered them from their distresses; And He saved them from their distresses..."

Sometimes God allows us to work our way through difficulties to help us to learn some things.  I know it didn't take long for me to learn 'quit spending on things we don't really need!'  I think it was easier for me than it has been for hubby.  I grew up with nothing.  My clothes until high school and I got a job were bought at Goodwill.  When my daddy died, we lived behind a furniture store (same building - the furniture store was the front of the house) because that was all we could afford.  I still remember how embarrassed I was in PE in high school.  Our school colors were blue and gold.  The gym uniforms required were blue.  We couldn't afford to buy me one; mine came from Goodwill and it was green.  And it wasn't pretty either.  Alas, my mind has gone back in history and I need to bring it back.

There have been many times I have cried out to the Lord "Lord, please HELP!" and it has been for a number of things.  I've cried out to Him for help when we've struggled with finances, with this marriage, with health issues, with children issues.  And when I have prayed and cried out to Him for His help, I gain peace.  I don't always get the answer I want; but it is always the right answer because it comes from Him who knows all.  He is El Roi, "The God who sees".  And I know He sees me, and He sees you.

Even now I cry out to him for my prodigal children and grandchildren.  "Lord Help and bring them back to You."  It may not be in my timing, but it will always be in His.

If you are going through a trying time; needing a job; needing finances, needing healing, needing restoration of relationships, needing forgiveness, needing  - whatever it is, stop reading and just cry out to God with whatever it is and just say "Lord, Help with ........................".  He even does the little things like headaches and earaches and pains.  There have been times in the past when my head would hurt so bad I'd lay my head on the floor and cry and ask Him to touch my head and remove the pain.  And He did.

Until you acknowledge your deliverance, you will not understand how much you are loved.  

Whatever it is you may be going through, know that you can cry out "Lord, Help!" and He will answer.  Sometimes it isn't the way you want Him to. Trust His answer.  Sometimes we know what the answer is, but we want a 'freebie'.  Learn from your past. Trust Him for the future.

Need wisdom?  He is more than willing to give it.  Need understanding?  Just ask.  I have a board meeting this morning at 8:30AM.  Remember last time when I was in dread and panic that I had to take minutes - and it was a disaster to begin with.  But because I have asked the Lord for His help, and that He will help me remember how to record the meeting; help me take the right minutes,; help me do the things I am required to do... I can trust Him to help me.  I am much calmer this time than I was the last time.

And all you have to do is ask... "Lord, Help".

Blessings!