pay more attention to things I order! I've ordered some things recently either as gifts of 'I just have to have that'.... and even though I am on their website, I neglect to do something. Those vendors are sneaky, I tell you! For example, last week I went online to Amazon, my 'favorite' shopping store, and wanted to purchase something. Amazon showed it 'out of stock' so being as I didn't want to wait, and definitely not thinking..... I went to the link shown and I believed it was the company website. I reviewed it all on the website and yeah, that is what I was looking for... so I ordered it. Easy peasy, right? But then.... I get emails from different company names. I finally looked it up last night on google to determine where these places are located. It's been a week (or more, for some) since I ordered these things.... and this one I've been looking for.... is located in BELGIUM and they have another location in GERMANY. If I had looked, and NOT ordered from the company, I would have by now; Amazon has them back in stock and I generally get the next day, unless I choose a Tuesday delivery. Sigh. I have a one item I barely remember ordering and I still don't know why I did.... but it has been in transit for 3 weeks - I have no clue where it is coming from. I have another item that is coming from China - when I bought it off the same site as the Belgium one. I've got to learn to pay more attention! Maybe THIS is my learning moment, right?
My big brother is having 'fits' that he has now planted sunflowers three times in his yard..... two of those times the bunnies have come and eaten the sunflower before it gets 5" tall. The third time he planted yesterday, I think, and he said he was going to get his flashlight and go out in the middle of the night to see if he can catch that bunny! He has had to make a 2' fence around his plants because they are eating those too. So what did I do? I found a bunny holding a solar sunflower on Amazon and had to send to him. He will get it today and he will get all over me for buying him something, but it was so cute and I just couldn't resist teasing him. In fact, I stopped by my granddaughter's yesterday and her sunflowers have grown - one is as tall as me. I took a photo of her with the sunflower and sent to my brother. He said that I was 'rubbing it in' that he can't get his sunflowers growing because of the bunnies eating them. And sent me a photo of last year - when his sunflowers were nearly 14 feet tall! I guess the bunnies didn't visit much last year.
I've got to get over my 'laziness' - yes, that is what I call it. I feel at times that hubby is rubbing off on me. I want to get things done, and I have things to do....and I'm finding excuses to procrastinate... work being one. I can get away from my desk for a little while, but a break is generally only 15 minutes. And I know what I want, but deciding how to do it without interference from hubby.... that makes it more difficult. I'm thinking of the courtyard for this thought... I want to get rid of some things and ... well... I really can't even get started during the week... mornings are perfect to work out there, but I can't - work starts at 7AM. It heats up quickly after that. My clutter has overflowed into the courtyard and I want to eliminate some of that. But how? When? I will figure it out - eventually. Sigh.
Another director submitted her retirement resignation yesterday - this one for the end of the year. I knew it was coming, but still.... Two have already retired, Brett quit. Sue is leaving July 31st. Angie is leaving June 5. Shanee is leaving December 31st. When am I leaving?? But then, what would I do? I was thinking this morning, THIS is why I need to pursue PowerPoint and other programs - because my thought has been that I would work part time somewhere (in person) here in this little city I live in. Or nearby. IF I have those skills and they are proficient, I stand a bigger chance of getting what I want. If I work like - Tuesdays and Thursdays.... that would free up the beginning and end of the weekend and give me a day in the middle. Play money. And here I am spending money like it grows on trees! I've already started on Christmas gifts!! And YES, I am determined to cut back this year!! Maybe I can give a December 31st end date.... but .... sigh.... I don't want to spend my days sitting at home working on diamond art projects and crocheting because I can't go anywhere.... read between the lines. I can afford me, I can't afford two. Does that make sense? Anyway, I need to get this thought out of my mind and get refocused.
This scripture really spoke to me this morning and I'm thinking about doing a bible study on this book of the Bible. Habakkuk. Can you say it?
Habakkuk 3:17-19 - Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, thought the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
As I sat here and read that verse, and reread it, it struck me. There has been a very dark period in my life where we did not have two pennies to rub together. Bills were piling up, and I was - as always - the security blanket bring the money in.... and it wasn't enough. I'm not going to point fingers, but you can figure out the cause. I have to confess my anger and ask forgiveness every time I relive that period of time. But one thing I have learned from that dark period.
God is Faithful. God is Sovereign. God knows every thing about me, my pain- my hurt - my anger - all about me. He has seen - and still sees, my tears of disappointment. My struggles He walks me through. He knows me. I mean, He truly knows me. And in my darkest moments when I get on my face and cry out to Him and seek Him with every bit of my being..... even when I don't see Him moving, don't feel His Presence, I know that He is with me. He provides just what I need. Perhaps not what I want Him to provide, but it is even better.
As I lean into Jesus, He gathers me close in His arms and just holds me. Yes, we have money for food, and money to go out to eat and to do things with. God has provided for us faithfully. But then I think, 'what if' He chose NOT to provide. Ok - let's put it in reality terms. I am tired (sorta) of working. I need a two-three month break to just not have any responsibilities. Seriously, I feel if I could take a break from work, that I would come back either with a retirement mindset or I would become alive again and ready to pour myself into my job. (YES, sorry, back to that subject again). I'm just tired. Mentally and Physically. I feel the weight of the world upon me. And the only time it lifts is when I am with those I love and spending time with them. You know what I'm talking about. Or is it that I just can't explain myself without saying something I shouldn't say?
Sigh. I know that if I retired right now, God would still provide for us. I know how to live on nothing. I've done it many times before. And in fact, we eat less (unless we go out to eat it seems) at home than we used to. Our appetites at home aren't much; perhaps because we have snacks. Sometimes I am amazed at how much hubby can put away at a restaurant. Me, I bring most home and he has it for lunch the next day. LOL But at home, I portion things out pretty much. Where am I going with this?
Oh yeah - I know that God works for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28)... and I know that if I 'up and retired' now, He would still provide for us. But I want to wait on His timing because life would be so much better if I do. So my dis-appointment in my life can be turned into His-appointment.... (notice the change in D to H?) If I change my mindset, I can change my attitude about it. Yeah, I'm talking to myself as I write here. But what if someone reading this is also going through this turmoil in their heart and in their mind?
How I wish I had someone I could go and sit in front of, and they know everything about me, and I don't have to say anything.... but they can tell me what I need to do? Would that solve everything? I have lots of people in my life who would love to tell me what to do, right? But .... is it what God wants me to do? Ok - getting off this subject!
Though every thing in life seems to be against us; though our finances dry up; though our health is not good; though we feel we live in disappointment..... yet, I will trust in God, my Lord, my Savior. When things are hard and you don't know how it is going to end..... will you trust God with whatever the outcome is?
Blessings!
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