I'm tired. I was so tired last night that by 8PM I couldn't keep my eyes open, so we went on to bed. I slept sound until around 4AM and got up. Read some in here - and after hubby brought my coffee about 4:30-ish, I fell back to sleep - for how long, I do not know. I'm not sure if it is physical exhaustion, or mental exhaustion. Or is it that the pain I've carried in my heart for so many years has overwhelmed me and has taken away all strength and even reason, from me. I am weary of heart.
I sat in my chair and debated on writing today. I wondered what I could write about. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and cry out to my Father to ..... to what? Heal my broken heart? Heal my children? Heal my life? What, I do not know. I am weary, Lord, please help me.
But I did find a scripture this morning as I read. I've written it out so that I can memorize it and lean into it when I feel this way. I've prayed for years. And, I will admit, most of my prayers, other than 'Lord, please help!' have been for my children, especially my boys. For grandchildren. For my husband. For dear friends. But I have neglected .... me. Perhaps that is the cause of my weariness. I want everyone else to be happy and safe and healthy and free.... and I perhaps carry all that in my heart to the point of exhaustion. Does any of that make sense? Then I came across this scripture.
Psalm 62:5: My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him.
It spoke to me. How often do I try (or you try) to fill in the space of quietness when you are talking with someone. How often in your prayers (in my prayers), do we keep talking and keep praying for others, and never pause for more than 30 seconds (if that long) for our Abba to speak to us? How long has it been since we have actually heard His voice? For me, it has been far too long.
I need to hear from my Abba. I need to quit filling in the silence in my prayers with words and sit and listen to what He wants to tell me. It may be nothing for a while, but I know that He is working in even what I don't say. He knows everything about me - the good and the bad. He knows every thought that I have had. He knows my heart and my mind and He knows every emotion that I feel. He knows me.
And He knows you. He knows what you are going through. He knew about the 'sucker-punch' before it happened. He knew about the stupidity you do getting shot. He knows about the dumb things you do with your finances. He knows what your plans are before you even make them. Our Abba knows all before it even happens.
Because He knew you before you were created in your mother's womb. And He loved you then, and He loves you now. Our Abba knows all. And He also wants you to talk with Him about your life. He wants to hear you tell Him what you are feeling. Are you angry? Tell Him. I don't know about you, but when I'm angry, I generally hold it in. I don't need to broadcast it ALL over the place and ALL the time. I don't need to put on social media that someone did something to me. Relatives are already sending me texts asking 'what is going on? What happened?' based on photos and comments of .. sigh. Some things need not be posted.
Yeah, I admit, one person within the past year or so took me over the edge and nearly killed me. And I talked about it in roundabout ways in here. And I shouldn't have. I should have just taken it to my Abba and let Him deal with it. But I didn't pray hell and damnation upon her - she will receive in full from God for what she did; I don't have to like her, but I am called to love her. I don't have to be close to her, but I have to be kind. Some people God puts in your life just to keep you focused on your need for Him. And He knows that I desperately need Him at all times! Ah - but I'm getting away from my thoughts.
I am going to work on memorizing the above scripture as a reminder that I need to be quiet and sit and listen to Him. I need to tell Him about my pain, my troubles, my fears, my heart. He knows it anyway and His advice is always the one to take.
Maybe you also just 'need a little talk with Jesus to make it right'.
Blessings!
