I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to give my testimony last night. But, I knew I was on the schedule. In fact, our leader even called me yesterday morning to talk about something else, and again stated how he was looking forward to hearing it, and knew that the Holy Spirit was going to use it in an amazing way. I doubted that. Who could understand and get something out of it?
I chose to fast yesterday and frequently offered up a prayer as I reviewed and rewrote my testimony in between working. I didn't have any food until dinner - and I actually cooked a nice meal. Hubby was happy. I never said anything to him about what I had written, nor about my fasting. It was between God and I. I was seeking His help in being able to share. Once we got to our Bible study and it was time to start, they played first a worship song. It is called Graves into Gardens.
"I searched the world, but it couldn't fill me. Man's empty praise, and treasures that fade, are never enough.
Then You came along, and put me back together. And every desire, is now satisfied, here in your love.
Oh, there's nothing better than You. There's nothing better than You. Lord, there's nothing, nothing is better than You.
I'm not afraid to show You my weakness. My failures and flaws, Lord, You've seen them all, and You still call me friend.
'Cause the God of the mountain, is the God of the valley, There's not a place, Your mercy and grace, won't find me again.
Oh, there's nothing better than You. There's nothing better than You. Lord, there's nothing, nothing is better than You.
You turn mourning to dancing, You give beauty for ashes, You turn shame into glory, You're the only One who can.
You turn graves into gardens, You turn bones into armies, You turn seas into highways, You're the only One who can.
Oh, there's nothing better than You. There's nothing better than You. Lord, there's nothing, nothing is better than You.
You're the only One who can............"
That song broke me, and I could hardly sing. God has brought me so far. Even when I felt I was all alone, He was with me. But then, I was asked to give my testimony. I tried to get them to bypass me, but no, they said it was my turn.
I could barely get the words out. My heart felt so broken and beaten and I couldn't stop the tears. Afterwards, people made comments that kept the tears flowing... "I went through the same thing, you were telling my story"; "My dad did the same thing and I couldn't tell anyone", "You inspire me on how you have come out of that." and then there were those who looked me in the eye and said "You have great value and are so loved." I was broken. I couldn't believe my story would mean anything to anyone.
This morning, as I thought back over that time and my tears, I was reminded that recently I had once again asked God to break my heart for what broke His. When I remembered that, I know why I was so broken last night, why the tears. God's heart was broken and grieving for me for what I had been through. Even over what I had lived on my own, my sinfulness. And, I believe because of my fasting and praying yesterday, that the Holy Spirit had taken hold of me and helped me speak through my brokenness, and touched those who needed to be reminded of how far they had come. How good our God is!
Just like you probably cannot understand what I have just written, this experience, because you have not walked in my shoes, I cannot understand how God is working in you at this time. What He has taken you through, painful as it was, to allow you to go through what you are, wherever you are... but trust me in this, He sees it all; He feels your pain; He understands more than we give Him credit for. Sit down and tell Him your story. Share your pain, your grief, your hurt, your anger. He knows it anyway, but tell Him. And let Him bring healing to your heart and soul.
Philippians 3:13-14 (NKJV): "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I cannot change what happened in the past; but I can change how my future is going to end.
And you can too.
Blessings!
