Morgan was able to work me in a third time this week for training so I grabbed it. Since that is about all the exercise (to any great extent) that I do each week, it gets me to the gym and Morgan torments my body. Yesterday it was legs. Yeah, I'm going to be feeling it this weekend. While I was training, Morgan asked me "When do you think you will be wanting to do HIIT again? If you don't want to that's fine, no pressure." Well, I hadn't been caught off-guard with the question, for it is a question I have had in my mind for a few weeks now. I WANT to get back to my HIITs. And I've tried to identify the WHY I am reluctant. Is it failure? The only failure is that I don't try to do something, so no, it's not that. I finally told Morgan.... and honestly, it is true.... I think I am fighting a lower level of depression in that I feel such a heaviness in my body and heart. Does that make sense? It's a heavy kind of sad, you know? Some of you could probably figure it all out. And I'm not going to elaborate. But Morgan looked at me and said "I get it. I've had that feeling too and I got therapy to help me through it. Whenever you are ready, just let me know." I told her that I'm trying to find my 'JOY' again. I'm not sure what I mean by that other than I just want to be happy.
Since Morgan brought it up again, I've thought about how I felt after I did these HIIT workouts. I felt so good! I really did. I was proud of myself for many of her clients refuse to do a HIIT. It's not so much that it is so hard - many are the same exercises that I do now (except for the big tire flipping! It's very hard - 175 lbs! - but I love the adrenaline that I get in flipping it and succeeding, and even the men applauding me for doing it. We go from four exercises to five within thirty minutes. Constant movement. But I feel like I have accomplished something and I know I have worked every body part in one session.
So I have made the decision - in spite of the heaviness - to tell Morgan that starting next week, my second workout will be a HIIT. I am confident I can do it; and if I can't, it's ok. I will do what I can. I must find myself again.... I feel like I've been lost. Some of you will understand that statement, others will have no clue.
Speaking of working out, Morgan was able to get hubby in for a third time this week yesterday right after mine. She commented that he used to get there 15 minutes early and just sit - and she has started telling him to get on the treadmill or the bike when he gets there early, and won't take 'no' for an answer. She was laughing when she told me that she thinks now he sits in his car until four minutes until time, and then walks in. So yesterday, while I was finishing up my workout, we went to the front of the gym and as I worked out, we both watched the parking lot, hoping to see if he is there and if he does sit in his car. Catch him at it, you know. Well, we watched - and he didn't show up. I finished up my workout, talked to Morgan a minute, and we both were wondering if he was ok. He was always there; where was he? I had left my phone in the car so when I got to my car, I called him. No answer. I called again and he answered.
I asked him if he was coming to his training and he said "Yes, but it isn't until 10:30!" Then he looked at his clock and saw that it was already 10:34. I asked where he was and he was at 91st & UH so I suggested he just turn around, for it was at least another 10 minutes to get there and he would not get a workout for you can't do much in 10 -15 minutes with a trainer. He, obviously, was frustrated with himself when he got home. He said he looked at the clock earlier and it was 10:05 - it gave him 25 minutes to get there. I think I know what happened. It may have been 10:05, but then he goes to the bathroom, fixes his container of water to take with him, and makes his way out to his car. That easily uses up another 15 minutes for him. He probably left out of the garage about 10:25. He just moves slow, and he doesn't realize it. And he was probably stalling so he didn't have to ride the bike. So, I'm going to find his schedule each week and push him out the door in time to get there. He won't quit working out with Morgan because it gets him to the gym, and causes him to work out. And that is good for him. Morgan is so patient with him, although she tells me that she can show him what to do, and then he will forget what he is supposed to do. The other day, when he slept an hour before I woke him up to go to the gym, she said that she was really worried about him that day for he just couldn't focus on what they were doing - and they were doing core! He really only wants upper body - it's the 'man thing', you know. Big chest, muscular arms.... and that just ain't going to happen for him any more. And that's all I'm going to say about yesterday.
So glad today is Friday and I'm already whizzing about here, trying to get some little things done before hubby gets back. Why? Because when he is out of the house is about the only time I can get things done that he considers 'his job' - which he may or may not get done. He will have a fit when he realizes I did my own laundry last night. It takes him two days to do my two loads of laundry. I can get it done in less than 3 hours. Just saying. The only thing I'm going to do 'of his jobs' is to make the bed this morning. Why? Because I get tired of seeing the bed unmade for most of the day. When the kids were growing up, he insisted it be made right after they get up. He's always made our bed - always - except for the instances that he may ask me to make it, or I just do it. I know he has gotten older and he realizes some things are just not important enough for him to do.... and his age is showing up more and more.
Seriously, I know he is healthy, but he is much slower, even for a man 89 years old. I don't expect men to move like he does until they are in their mid-late 90's. Who do I compare this to? Sue's dad. He died at 91, or 94; I can't remember which - but he would always stand upright and walked on his own very well. He fell, broke his hip, and had prostate cancer.... didn't want surgery, and it wasn't long after that he did pass away. But, hubby is healthy, for which I am very grateful to God; I don't have time to be a nursemaid with working. His mind I worry more about. He often will come in here and tell me that he is going to sit down and take a nap. And he will sleep an hour or more - and then wonder why he can't sleep at night. Yeah, he sleeps a lot more than he thinks he does. But I also admit, I sometimes will sneak and take a 10 minute nap occasionally if I have time from work. Especially when I'm trying to get a lot done and I feel just overwhelmed and tired. It's at those times I can close my eyes, sleep for 10-15 minutes, then get back up and feel refreshed enough to finish up my work. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a nap in the afternoon!! I often do it on Sunday afternoons after church too! Remember, we usually get up between 4AM and 5AM - so grabbing 30 minutes even isn't a bad thing.
I was reading Psalm 23 this morning, because I felt like I just needed to read the words, say the words, and feel the words. So I opened up my bible and paused as I let the words soak into me.
Psalm 23 (ESV): The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Life is hard. Agree? Things don't always seem like they should, and situations aren't always what we want them to be. Trust me, I have lived this. As many of you know, or suspect perhaps, I'm a mess most days. But this I can count on..... Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. And no matter what I walk through, no matter what pain - real and imagined - that I go through, I know that He is always with me. He will walk with me through whatever fire is ahead of me. He won't leave me alone.
And He will do that for you as well. So many times we think it is coincidence - but it is not. It is God's hand helping you through the mess of life. It is by His grace and His mercy that we have survived the things we have - good and bad. Whatever we have gone through, or are going through, He is there. He has 'allowed' us consequences of our actions.... but He will always walk with us through them. I am never alone in this life. No matter how alone I feel.
And neither are you. He is with you. Always. To the ends of the earth. The Bible says so.
Blessings!
