not really a way to start a day. I'm sad because a child is hurt they weren't included in an invitation, whether they could attend or not. And because a child is hurting, my heart hurts too, and I am sad.
And I'm nervous, somewhat. I go for a couple medical tests this morning. Yes, I trust in Jesus that everything will be ok. I've had these tests before, although it has been about 5 years for either one. But this year, it's different. This year I have struggled with some things and I just don't know if it is my imagination or working out, but I have to admit I have some fear about one test. I keep praying and trusting, and I've asked for God's peace. Would appreciate your prayers - even if you don't believe - that results I will receive in a few days - will be positive in the way I want them to be. I haven't spoken of this fear to anyone before now. I don't want the 'mothering' and 'smothering' that would result in hubby's fear of 'what if'. I vaguely mentioned concern to my daughter a week or so ago.. of something could be... I was so vague I don't know if she picked up on it. I do believe that no matter what I am in God's hands, and if I am to go through anything, He will be with me through it to the other side.
I really got sad yesterday after talking with a friend from work. As we chatted she told me that she had decided to take control of her health.... started exercising and watching what she ate..... and has lost 44 pounds. And is now a size 4. I am truly happy for her, but she was my size or even a little bigger. And I look at myself and I feel I have - in spite of my diets and exercise start-ups - I have not gained, but I have definitely not lost. I just haven't put myself first. I'm depressed I am still fat. I know I can do it; I've done it before. But as I have aged, it just doesn't fall off like it used to. I really cannot blame anyone but myself. I cook the meals. I buy the ice cream. One good thing; I grill and bake more than I ever did - haven't fried food in years. But that's not enough.
I have got to get a grip. I tell myself once I get past these tests and they come out the way I want them to, I will focus on me. I need to quit talking about it, and just do it. But, people don't always understand the hold back, because they don't walk in my shoes. It's not just hard to break old habits. It's the core of why the habits were formed.
For example - why does one drink? Some to excess? One may say to escape life at home. Another may say I can't stand the way things are. Still another may say life is hard and I work hard, and I deserve to do what I want. And there are still other excuses. Yes, I enjoy an occasional glass of wine, usually at night while I'm winding down before bed. Especially when I've had a rough day emotionally or mentally. But there was a time I drank a lot more... not proud of what I did, but I was in the 'I want to escape mode'. And, gaining weight also played into that. Hubby was (and still in) so extremely jealous of anyone - even my children - who gets my attention. He was so bad when we first married, that I couldn't go anywhere without him; he had to take me everywhere. He watched every male who would glance my way, even in passing. Even now, at the gym, if a man gets on the treadmill beside me and nods or says hello, hubby will come running to the treadmill, glare at them, and ask me how much longer am I going to be on the treadmill. He is always watching to make sure I am 'safe' in his care. So it has been easy to let the weight pack on.... you know how some of us women think... if I'm fat, maybe he won't be that way. It's not true. He still is that way. And I'm still fat. I have to work through that mentality and let it go and work on my body to make it what I want it to be. I have dreams of a healthy, slimmer body. I need to act on it.
Sometimes being brutally honest on how I feel about things is hard. I'm hiding behind these words. I want my chidlren to get along - or at least tolerate each other. I want my siblings to get along or at least tolerate each other. Regardless of what things have happened to me, I push through it to maintain a relationship that keeps me part of the family. I need that. I need that relationship for myself, whether they want a relationship with me or not. And it hurts when I see things played out that hurts others - whether intentionally or not. I can't make excuses.
My devotion for yesterday was to the core. I read it several times yesterday and even read it again this morning. I have meditated on it; thought on it. I've said it myself over and over, and I believe it is true. I have talked to my siblings about it; I have talked to my children about it. Perhaps if I write a bit about it, you will understand what I'm saying.
"A grudge held against another is a binding chain on your soul, preventing you from arising and coming away with me. Forgive and watch my victory be released within you. I will heal your body and your thoughts when you release forgiveness to the one who offended you. My grace flows freely, and it will never be stopped. I will give you the glory of grace as you give away mercy. And the more you imitate me, showing mercy and forgiving others, the purer and sweeter your commitment with me will be. Let my grace make you stronger than your enemies and wiser than your foes.....pay attention to your reactions to situations, and never try to justify wrong attitudes. Love others ..... Ask me to show you people from my perspective, and walk humbly throughout your day."
What if today was the last day you would 'see' someone? Without warning, we know that accidents happen. Heart attacks and strokes can kill instantly. Diseases cause some to slowly slip away. Will you have a regret you shut them out of your life - or that you were shut out of theirs? It will haunt you the rest of your life. Yesterday I talked about having a witness to your life. It's more than just a child or a spouse or friends.
Jeremiah 17:14 "Heal me Lord, and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."
I 'found' that verse in one of my readings several months ago, and I have prayed it frequently, not only for myself, but for others. The healing is sometimes more than physical; the healing is also of the mindset, the heart.
For this I have prayed, that we all will love one another, as Jesus loves each one of us - whether we choose to follow Him or not. My heart is broken... I am in despair. But even in this, I know that my Savior lives, and He hears each cry of my heart. I'm hoping my trip to Indy will give me opportunities to speak to siblings who have distanced themselves from each other. I have spoken to them before; and I will continue to do so about this. Life is too short to .... you can fill in the blank.
I must get moving and get ready for my tests this morning. I covet your prayers to calm my anxious heart that for some reason is here. It's more than likely just the enemy playing tricks in my mind... imagine this twinge and that twinge and before you know it, it's a big twinge - when it can be nothing.
Then I look down at my arm where Sheeba pulled me into the doorway yesterday as I brought her back in to the house. I have a dime-size brown bruise (that old people get on their arm - I would rather have a bruise than a brown spot) and a lump on my arm that is turning blue/brown and is very tender. I can move my arm so nothing is broken; I'm sure it's just tissue that has swollen up. O for the love of Sheeba.
Have a blessed day. I'm praying for you.
