over just a sundress and a photo shoot! It's all me, it's all my thinking, and whether they really mean it or not, people will say 'you look wonderful', etc. You know it - we do it to each other all the time, right? Ok, I will just say it.
I have never been a fashion model, nor have I ever flipped through magazines to see how I should dress, what is the latest style, what should my make-up look like, etc. It isn't me. Yes, I always try (when I clean up) to look nice, and I think for the most part, I do succeed. Am I being prideful here? I just don't want anyone to be ashamed of me. Where is all this coming from and where is it going?
We are having a 'family shoot' when we go to New Mexico. Each family is to wear a specific color for this photo. That's great! I'm all for it! But we are going too. And that means I need to choose a color for us. I 'thought' we were going to wear jeans and t-shirts. You know, the things I live in and have lived in for the past five years. Yes, I still have my dresses, but they are 'Sunday clothes' anymore. Anyway - the family was sharing their color schemes last night - which is good, for no one wants to clash. Long story short, I just said Red would be our color. Hubby and I generally look pretty good in red. I had already ordered (from Amazon, of course) a pretty tomato red and also an azure blue t-shirt for each of us so that we can decide which one we want, based on the feel of the shirt. Then the young moms decided they would wear sun dresses in their colors. They will all look amazing in them. They really will, and it's their family photo as well so they can wear whatever they want to. And the moms nowadays 'live' in sundresses a lot.
So of course I don't want to be the only female in jeans and t-shirts - so as a joke I copied a red/white dress and said it was cute - and it feels like everyone think that is the one I'm getting to wear - although it is short, and they are wearing long.... lol ... it is about me here, right? Please do not think it is them for it is not. It is my own insecurity of not knowing fashion, of being 'older' (not old, just older) and I think of all the family photos I have seen in the past and I refuse to look like a matronly grandmother! So I've ordered 3-4 red dresses from Amazon which will be arriving today and tomorrow. Short, long, midi - will see which one I feel comfortable with. Then I need to match up a shirt for hubby - and since the guys are not wearing t-shirts but nice linen button-down shirts, I need to make sure that hubby looks nice. He wears whatever I tell him to.
So I was a mess last night, fighting feeling 'out' and 'fat' and well, no word for it. I txt'd my daughter and asked if we could go shopping at Penney's and Macy's on Tuesday just to see what we can find. I need to find sandals too; tennis shoes just won't do it for me. See what my own thoughts and insecurities can do for me? And I really have nothing to worry about. I will not be changing my appearance; I will still be me. It doesn't matter what I wear. (I think my fear is that they will be disappointed in me) I can wear a nice dress and it will be ok. I know that. It's just everyone is young and beautiful and I am feeling old and fat. It's all about me, right? I have blown this entire thing out of proportion in my mind. I have nothing to worry about. Insecurities are a bear at times.
So I got on my rebounder and went two miles last night. And I do legs tonight at the gym - if there is any strength left in them. I still need to get my steps in today as well - we are still in the challenge for another week or two and I won't get many steps in while traveling or over the 4th, I'm sure. Ok - I've whined enough and wallowed enough in my pity party so am going to hush. On to another subject. But what?
I was right. The items my youngest brought back from my siblings are just photos. As I went through them all last night - I realized that the album my sister sent me was one of holidays, etc. of the years we were never back there. Why send me holiday/celebration photos of family that I wasn't there? Baby showers, some Christmas, some gatherings. Disappointed to say the least. I don't want these photos and may see if any of the other family wants them. They aren't MY memories, does that make sense? I also got a box of my ancestors from my oldest brother. I knew those were coming. A few years back when we were there my brother and I had gone through some of these photos and I had noticed several of our cousins in the photos. Older photos of them. I had mentioned that I would separate them and send to the cousins if they wanted them. You know how it is; if there is one photo, everyone of your siblings want it. Anyway - I went through all the photos in the box and although very, very few were written on the back so that I know who they are (great-greats), many have nothing on them and I have no clue who they are. Which tells me I need to go through all my remaining photos of my family and write on the back who they are. Unfortunately, the babies I already get confused on which one is which. Sometimes, not always. Good grief! These babies have grown up! I need to write names on the back and figure out years if I can. Some day. Another thing on my list of things I want to do.
My advice for you today? Don't let your past define who you are today. Today is a new day, and we can make it whatever we want.
I can let go of my insecurity and believe that whatever I choose will be just fine. (and it will)
I can sit and watch life pass me by, or I can do something with my life and make a difference. Yeah, I never made it over to see Ms. Diane this weekend, but I did see Ms. Vicky. Even my little 30 minute visit with them makes a difference. Life isn't about me.
Philippians 4:13 (NKJV): I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
And in strengthening us, He brings us back to life. Take a moment and let that sink in. Jesus breathes into us a fresh breath of air. It's not about our insecurities. It's not about who we think we are. It isn't about what we wish we were. It's who Christ is IN us.
Now that is what counts in this world. Choose Jesus, choose Life.
Blessings!
