A busy day; early to bed for me!

 For some reason, even with my male boss still out (pickles, he is back today!) I had so much work to do yesterday and was busy all day.  I did take some time out with the lady from the funeral home showed up for our appointment.  No, neither of us are dying... not yet, anyway.  But, to make it easier for our children, we have decided to be cremated and have contracted with a funeral home in in our little city to handle it.  We signed a 5 year contract to pay for it to keep the payments low, but we can pay more with each monthly payment to pay it off sooner.  What I really like about this place is that upon notification, they pick up the body and make all the contacts to social security, to anyone who needs to know. They set up the 21 gun salute and taps for hubby's funeral; of course I'm not military so won't have it. All we have requested is they take care of the cremation.  For any celebration of life, we asked it be left up to the children. They can do a service there in the funeral chapel, and they will take care of that for an additional price. Or the kids can take the ashes and throw them wherever - BUT - because hubby is a veteran, we both can be buried for free at the National Veteran's Cemetary.  But this part (almost $3k each) will be taken care of and they won't have to worry about that.  AND, if we change our minds about the cremation and go the 'other route', we can easily change it and pay the difference.  At least we have something started.  Ok - that may be hard to read in the first paragraph but wanted to get it 'out there' so someone knows about it. We will get two cards each from the facility.  We have already decided we each will keep one, and one will go to the two oldest children, and they will need to discuss plans with the youngest when the time comes. Paperwork will go in the safety deposit box at the bank. 

Hubby's understanding of things is confusing, and I get it (I understand?) it is all the process of getting older.  I'm not saying he has Alzheimer or dementia - but he can easily remember where he was 50 years ago and often brings up 'oh yeah, I was there several years ago and I...........' (and I roll my eyes).  But again yesterday, he had to send an email out for the HOA and although he wrote it himself, he asked me to come read it and help him make sure it was right.  There was a time he never needed my expertise in sending emails. I made a few changes for him and put spaces between paragraphs - and told him it was ok, for him to review it again and send if he thought it was ready to go.  It truly troubles me - not to help him - but knowing he cannot remember how to do some of these things.  It more than troubles me, it scares me.  I don't know what to expect and I don't know how to handle it all.  So what do I do now?

I pray about it.  A lot.  I keep praying for more faith, that God will show me that His hand is all over these situations and that I don't need to be afraid of what the future may bring.  I'm scared of what is ahead if it continues as it is.  I really am.  But I recognize also that getting older is part of life, and my children will be doing the same thing for me at some point.  With working still, I feel it has helped me stay somewhat alert and in tune with things.  I have to be.  But there are some things with work I am having difficulty with that I shouldn't have.  And that concerns me.  And I'm feeling so tired lately.  I'm blaming the extreme tiredness on the holiday things that I love to do and shopping and working and baking and stress of hubby and the minor surgery (dang - just got the EOB on it - my cost is about $500! - thank goodness for insurance!).  Speaking of.... it is healing nicely, I think.  I can't see it, but at least the pain and the itching seems to have stopped.  I showed my trainer last night and she said that it is 'looking good'.  Still have a week before they take the stitches out.

Speaking of being extremely tired... I did my workout yesterday, came home and hubby and I went to Arby's for 'dinner' (I was lazy and didn't want to cook) - and I went to bed about 8PM.  I tried to read, but my eyes wanted to close.  So I went to bed and slept until a little after 11PM, back to sleep until my alarm went off at 4AM.  Debated on staying in bed, but too much sleep is just as bad as not getting enough sleep.  I got up and am glad I did.  I'm taking my iron pills as directed; I still need to call my PCP to see if I need to go for blood work - my prescriptions will run out in another week I think. The new ones where she increased my meds and gave the iron pills.  Need to put that on my list, I guess, or check with SQ to see if they have the order.

I'm taking Friday off work (Friday the 13th, no less!) to get things done in the morning, and then bake cookies with a great-granddaughter in the afternoon.  Youngest son is taking hubby to the show to see Bonhoeffer.  If the oldest wants to see it, he ought to meet up with them. :-) Just saying.  Another granddaughter called me yesterday and she and her daughter are coming over on the 23rd to bake cookies.  I need to check with another granddaughter (or two) and see if one can make it up or wait until after Christmas and the other to see if she can get a day off work.  They do the work; I just supply the ingredients and enjoy hanging out with them.  Memories I hope each of my grandchildren remember forever.... and now the great grandchildren.  I have been blessed to be able to have that special time with them.  It is usually chaotic, but fun.  What is funny is that the older grandchildren still want to come and be a part of it.  That warms this grandma's heart.  I'd let me children come help too if they wanted!  

Did not work on any Christmas stuff yesterday. This room is still a mess.  I've reached the point of 'I don't care'.  At some point when hubby is 'out', I am going to put up our 4th tree and put my gifts to him under it, as well as any outside gifts we get and can't open (i.e., my brother's gift to us).  Hubby doesn't know about the 4th tree yet; I think I will put it by the front door - which means I need to move that table and it may need to go into hubby's office.  He'll get over it.  I love Christmas and I love decorating - and there are still things out in the garage that I want to find and put out.  Maybe this weekend. My car is in the way so need to move it out of the garage to get in to the cabinets.

Luke 9:18-20 - NKJV):  And it happened, as He was alone praying, that His disciples joined Him, and He asked them, saying, "Who do the crowds say that I am?" 

So they answered and said, "John the Baptist, but some say Elijah, but some say that one of the old prophets has risen again."  He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?"  

Peter answered and said, "The Christ of God."

Who do YOU say Jesus is?  I want you to pause for a moment and think about that.  Who do you think Jesus is?  Do you recognize Him as the Son of the Living God?  Do you know Him as Christ, our Messiah?  Or is He just a prophet to you?  A good man?  Who do YOU say Jesus is?

I think that is a question that many of us have had to answer at some point.  Do we really believe that Jesus is the Son of God, born of Mary, a virgin, and that He lived a sinless life, only to die on a cross, an old rugged cross, for my sins and your sins?  Do we really believe that?  And have we asked Jesus to be OUR Lord and Savior, to help us and walk with us in this journey called life?

I tell you, life is too hard to walk it in our own power.  Life is difficult and painful and trust me, I can not walk it alone, and I don't believe you can either.  No matter how good life may seem to be; no matter how good our job is, how much money we have, how good our children are, how wise we seem to be - we are nothing unless we have Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  

People may tell us that we are wrong to believe in Jesus and trust in Him.  I tell you what, and it has been said over and over through out the years - I would rather follow Jesus and be wrong..... then to live without Him and be dead in sin.  Eternal life only comes from following Jesus.  No matter how rough life seems right now; no matter how often I cry out to Him for forgiveness (which He always gives when it is sincere), no matter how much I mess up..... I will follow Jesus for the rest of my life.  He IS my life, and the only one I need.  Life is hard enough doing it with Jesus walking with me; I could not do life on my own and survive at all.  And neither can you.  

You celebrate Christmas by buying and giving gifts.  It all started with the wise men bringing gold, myrrh and frankincense to Jesus at His birth.  They recognized a King had been born - not in a palace, but in a stable.  Jesus came - and died - for you and for me.  Give yourself to Him this year; that is the greatest gift of all you can give.

Blessings! 

Celebrating answers; still asking...

 I received a text yesterday from a friend for whose husband I have been praying for... our prayers have been answered and the spot on his pancreas is not cancer.  He still has to have the surgery to remove the spot, but praise God, it isn't cancerous.  Doing the happy dance. Hallelujah!

As I praised God for that report, I thought about some prayers I have been praying; some for a long time, some just a short time.  Still waiting on answers to those.  But answers don't come in my timetable; they come in His.  I can pray and cry out and think about these requests all I want.... but it is God who answers every request.  Sometimes the answer is no, and it breaks my heart.  Sometimes the asnwers come back yes,  and we celebrate, as in the first paragraph.  Sometimes we stay in limbo, waiting.  That is the hardest part.  The waiting.  The enemy wants us to have doubts; things don't go the way we planned. We want our answers and we want them NOW.  But God doesn't operate on our time table; and His timetable is better than ours.  The waiting is so hard, though.  So very hard.

We must not give up praying.  We must not let up and let go of our faith that God can do anything, but it is in His time.  When we wait upon Him and trust in Him for whatever the answer may be... we find our peace in Him.  

I admit, I struggle a lot - not in believing God and that He is in control - but that I begin to wonder at times if He hears me.  And yet, I know He hears me.  The enemy wants me to question myself and ask 'why would God answer my request.... I'm not good enough... I'm not living right.... I'm not praying hard enough... I'm not asking the right questions"... and so on.  The enemy is good at that.. and I'm not always strong enough to tell him to go away and leave me alone.  

Well, that was interesting.  I paused.... and my entire screen disappeared.  Think the devil doesn't want me praising God this morning?  Doesn't want me to share faith in Him?  Probably.

I still have several things that I pray about.  I start to keep a list and then I forget about the lists.  I let God call them to mind for what I need to pray about.  It's always good to keep a list of what specifically I am praying for - cause when He gives me the answer, I can record what God did.  But... I neglect my list ... and sometimes years later I find a list and start scanning it and see the things that God did annswer... and how sometimes, just sometimes, He did not answer the way I wanted Him to... and I can see that His way was better.  It always is.

I have decided to talk with our pastor about teaching a class perhaps in the fall.  We can start a small group here in our home - and surprisingly, hubby brought it up the other day.  Of course he tells me he wants 3 couples (with us making 8, which is a nice small group). And he wants to do the inviting.  Well, I don't really care... but.... I wonder if that is the way to do it.  We decided it would have to be on a Monday night.  Anyway... hubby and I need to have a more thorough discussion other than "I think we need to have a small group, 3 couples, and I choose who to invite, and you can lead the study."  I'm ok with teaching; you know I love to teach the Word.  I am leaning towards the workbooks I have done before; Experiencing God, Seeking Him, The Disciples' Prayer Life' ... and I ordered a new one called the 'Masterlife' which has 4 sections.  Similar to a discipleship class I did before, which I would really want to do, but I don't really care for the books they have now.  From a regular notebook they have reduced it to a size that I will definitely need glasses to use.  The layout isn't the same and well, I'm not sure they will go for it.  But I can also share that book when I talk with the pastors.  Teaching a class helps me to dive deeper into the Word and helps me to seek answers that may be asked.  It probably helps me because I spend more time in prayer and preparation than I do right now with just reading on my own.  If we can have the class at the church (currently, they have no classes at church), I would love to open up the class to everyone.  Discipleship is a class we all need, not just a selected few.  I'm not sure if I even need to discuss with the pastors; we can have a small group in our home and do whatever we want to do.  Maybe I can start with that.... another thing to be praying about and processing.  If I must choose, my first choice would be the Discipleship class that is one year long.  The second would be a tougher choice of those I mentioned above.  Each workbook is so informative of who God is and how to live for Him.  I'm ready to go through the books on my own again, because I know I need to be reminded (sometimes) of His faithfulness and love for me.

My heart would be full of joy if my children would chase after God.  How I pray for them to find Him and put Him first in their lives!  Their lives would never be the same.  

We had dinner with friends last night we hadn't seen since I think January.  It was good to catch up.  Of course she and I ended our evening talking about food and dieting.  Sigh.  A never-ending battle for some of us.  She is thinking of a gastric bypass.  I've seen it work on some people, and on others that it doesn't 'stick' because they like food too much.  I'm grateful I'm not that overweight... but.... ok... enough on THAT subject.  I have lunch scheduled today with another coworker/friend and need to doublecheck this morning to see if it is still 'on'.  Part of me wants to go; the other part doesn't want to clean up that much.  It's grubby Friday, right?   Hah - heard hubby in the shower a bit ago... he is starting to meet with the Friday morning Bible study group again... 4 men from our 'old' church.  They have moved to a restaurant closer to us.  Breakfast and Bible Study.  Maybe some day I will have that opportunity to do something like that.  Only I'd rather do it here at home.  Yeah... that's something I can think about!  Sigh.  Sometime.

Do you believe that God will speak to you?  That He will answer your prayers?  Remember the story of the child Samuel (read I Samuel)?  His mother, Hannah, prayed for a child, God gave her one, and she dedicated him to the Lord for all his life.  Around the age of 3, she took him to live with the priest Eli, and be raised in the house of the Lord.  

I Samuel 3:10 (NKJV):   "Now the Lord came and stood and called as at other times, "Samuel! Samuel!"  And Samuel answered, "Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears."

If you want to hear from God, first of all, do not doubt that you will hear from Him.  In the book of James it says that those who doubt shouldn't think they will receive anything from the Lord. (James 1:6-7).

The boy Samuel had the kind of simple trust that the Lord wants us to have.  Samuel heard someone call his name three times, and each time he was sure it was Eli.  The priest himself had not been hearing from God so he was slow to understand it was the Lord calling for Samuel.  When Eli told Samuel to go back and lie down and when he hears the Lord's voice again, to say "Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears (or is listening)."  Notice that Samuel's reaction wasn't 'you got to be kidding me!"  He had complete confidence that what Eli told him was the truth, and he did what the priest had told him to do.  As a result of complete trust, Smuel heard God's voice.

And we can too.  Are you wanting to hear God's voice?  Pray this prayer with me...

"Lord, I confess that I often do not fully trust You.  Show me those areas where I step out of the realm of faith and do it my way and do not obey what I know You want me to do.  Help me to do exactly what You want me to do.  Forgive me for the times I don't pray about everything becuase I'm not sure you will answer the way I want you to.  I don't have the faith you will really answer sometimes and I ask that You remove any doubt I have that You will not only answer, but that You will speak to me.  I want to hear from You, just like Samuel did."

What are you asking God for?  If you aren't sure He will answer... ask for more faith to believe He will.

Blessings!