As I was writing about my prayers this morning I was thinking about things I haven't completed for work. I don't know if I will get to them today, but I must get it done soon. I need to figure out what to let go for awhile as I get answers I need to complete the task. It makes me tired just thinking about it! Oh well, it's all part of the job.
I'm feeling somewhat mindless this morning. I'm sure that if I ramble on enough this morning, some thing will come to mind to write about. My heart is longing for a quiet beach, alone, where I can just sit in God's presence and be still. You know that verse that I love...
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God....
Some days I get a longing to just do that. Shut out the noisy world and all its responsibilities, grab my Bible, and just be still and let God heal my heart, fill and complete me. Do you ever feel those times when you just want to 'be' in the moment? Still. Quiet. And perhaps you can't figure out why. It's just a longing within you that wants to step out of the busyness of the day. The raising of children. Facing the work before you. Being a husband. Being a wife. Being a child. You just want to 'be'. That longing is God wooing you back into His arms of rest. Can you feel it? I do. Some day... God willing... I can just 'be' with Him. To be still before Him; silent; just adoring and worshipping.
I waited a week before I pulled the stand up desk I bought to put over the new treadmill to put together. I kept thinking that hubby would 'ask' if I wanted him to put it together, and I would have let him try. I honestly don't know that he could have. But he didn't and it sat up against the wall. So yesterday afternoon I pulled it out and opened the box. Hubby looks over at me with the question "do you need me to help you?" In all fairness, perhaps he hadn't asked because in the past I have refused any interference as he tries to take it over. Sometimes I like to do things myself. Anyway - I told him 'no'. He didn't budge from his chair. There were no written instructions (it came from China - surprised?) so I looked at the photos and determined how it was to go together - and surprise! It didn't take long at all to get it put together. Hubby made no effort to help; he didn't even get out of his chair to see how it looked with the treadmill. But I can bet you $10 that he will think about getting on the treadmill soon. I don't care; he needs to learn to walk steadily anyway. He said he would use his 'walking sticks'. LOL I don't think it's needed. With the desk, if you lightly hold its sides, it can help stabilize you. I like having that desk for I can put my kindle fire on it and read or put on a movie. Now it is just getting past hubby watching me or making his comments to me so that I'll get on it when he's here and use it. I enjoy exercise. I enjoy working out. But I usually 'sneak' to do it here at home because it just annoys me when he watches or comments. I try to do something when he leaves the house, even if only for a few minutes. I know he means well. It isn't vicious. But I think it is the 'control' part - he has to know what I'm doing. Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe too much of the past keeps ... well, enough. I have to take care of me so that I can take care of him.
We went to a nice place for dinner last night with the daughter and some of her family. Daughter says as we were leaving that hubby nearly fell and that she caught him before he did. That's why I need to keep working out and get stronger. If he falls, could I help him get back up? It scares me; it really does. I may talk about it; I may make light of it. I just don't know what to do. At times he seems just fine. The trainers listen to me when I tell them he needs core strength and leg strength so that he doesn't fall. Our first trainer had told me there were times that hubby nearly fell with him during exercises. He is 87 years old; I know he enjoys exercising and I truly believe it helps him. But it also makes him feel independent... and he is going to have to become dependent at some point. And I will need to take time off work to run him to all the places he needs to go. Not sure I can do that. The future scares me. All the 'what ifs' that can come to mind. I have no control. He is going to have to admit he can't do some of the things he used to. And when he does, he will sink into a depression and be unbearable. And one can only feel bad about that. I am helpless as to what to do without stirring up anger. Ah... why am I even thinking about that. God will take care of it; I asked Him to. Thoughts for another day.
And I need to jump off and get started on my day. It's Monday. I think I have an 8AM meeting with my boss. I am so lucky to have had her all these years. She will work with me on whatever I need to take care of. She knows hubby; she knows what I've gone through in the past. She knows what she went through with her father, who passed away at 94 a few years ago. She helps me understand the process. And it's scary. Lord, Help me. The unknown is scary.
Blessings!
