Alas, where do I start. My mind is heavy with so much stuff going on inside of it. Situations that I have caused (when will I ever learn?), things that have happened that scare me, and things God has laid on my heart and things I feel the 'want to create' mood. I guess just start at one....
Hubby and I went for a walk again yesterday... instead of going around the block, we walked the length of 3 blocks and headed back home. Hubby seemed to be doing well.... until we rounded the same corner as the day before and the same thing happened... where the sidewalk at the corner slants down... he lost his balance. It took him several steps to regain his balance, and caused him to walk into the middle of the street. The next gate was ours so we turned up the driveway, and he lost his balance again, only this time he didn't regain it, but made it to the gate before he fell. He cut his knuckle on the metal, but other than that, he was fine. He said his legs just went totally weak as he went up the driveway. So we had a talk. Not that he listened to what I was saying. I told him he was scaring me. I told him I did not want him driving anywhere without me because I don't know if he will lose his balance and fall and seriously hurt himself, or not have the strength to stop. Of course he disagreed and said he was ok. I know he has a medical doctor appointment next Wednesday and I wrote a letter yesterday to the doctor and told him what has been happening. I told hubby I'd take off work and take him to his appointments - but he has declined my offer. We will probably have this conversation again this weekend.
You know I have sometimes talked about 'living in the pit' whenever I get depressed, and that I have to fight not to move the furniture around, put up curtains, etc. when I get depressed. It's sort of a joke with me and comes from a book Beth Moore wrote years ago called 'Get out of the Pit'. I know it happens to me, and happens to others, and some people are extremely depressed and see no way out. I remember a time that it happened to me. But I got out. And when I feel depression coming upon me, I reject it and put on praise and worship music and sing along. I refuse to live sad when I have a Savior who tells me to Live. Anyway, my little sister and I were talking last night about some things in the past; things like her best friend who now has alzheimers and doesn't know her, the things they used to do, and I can't remember what else, but something came up about things making us depressed. She may have been talking about her marriage for she is constantly depressed about that. But, I made the comment about living in the pit - and how we tend sometimes to want to put up curtains and rearrange the furniture - meaning we make our home in the pit instead of finding a way out. We both laughed and talked about other things. And, as she often does, she ponders the conversation and I get a text not long after about something I said. Last night was "you said I like to live in the pit and put up curtains' and she informed me she doesn't do that and it was a horrible thing to say to a person who gets depressed. Sigh. Walk on eggshells. I just wrote back I was sorry she was pulling parts of the convesration out that was about both of us and personalizing it; we were joking about it, it wasn't anything, and I was sorry ... and just let it go. Me and my big mouth... I should learn I can't joke with her most of the time. It was fine when we talked... and laughed about it... but she disected the conversation. I give up.
I feel that God laid it on my heart the other day to create a personal retreat. I want to do that. I had asked my sister if she would consider flying out in September and we would take 2-3 days at a hotel and do this personal retreat. She turned me down. She also informed me at that time she wasn't doing the workbook I thought we both were working on. I guess when things aren't her idea, then it isn't worth doing. She's in to the 'end times' and books and things like that. I'm in to 'living now' - meaning I want to know how to live my life that I know I'll be with Jesus. I still have a lot of changes to make in my life, and I'm still a work in progress. I know that God has plans for me, even now, but I have to do my part to prepare for that. The end times will happen, and are happening. My position is that I need to be ready in my walk with God when it does happen. It was disappointing she said she wasn't interested in either, but it's not about her... it's about me and my growth too.
I've had a few other thoughts come about putting together things... and I need to get started on messages for this fall too. I have enough to do without creating more things to do. So many things I want to do, create, and I need to get my mindset in the right place to do them. I need to quit waiting for my sister to get to where I am and plunge ahead on my own, if that is what I am to do. Just like with hubby; he always wants to do what I want to do... and sometimes I just want to do it myself. All by myself. I'm content to be alone. I enjoy being with others. But there are those times... you must walk the journey by yourself to fulfill what your desire is.
So glad today is Friday. I do have a dentist appointment today at 8AM so need to get presentable to be outside the house. My appointment with the oral surgeon yesteday went well. My surgery has healed well and he can do the implant at any time. Only, I told him I just can't do it right now. Perhaps I used hubby as an excuse... as my sister accused me of.... but I told him hubby just had surgery and he is losing his balance and falling = which are both true statements - and that I just couldn't deal with thinking about an implant right now. He said no problem, we could do it whenever I was ready - or, I could look into having a bridge done for that open area. For right now, I'm not going to do anything. It hasn't stopped me from eating, although it does make it difficult sometimes. Maybe I won't eat as much. Or inhale my food as much and instead chew it. I just am not into doing it right now, if ever.
We have a friend's funeral tomorrow morning to attend. That always brings us back to where do we stand with Jesus. Is my heart right with Him? Am I living the life He has called me to live? Is Jesus first in my life? What do I think about Jesus? Who is Jesus to me?
Can you answer those questions honestly? Do you feel a twinge when you do? What would you need to change to live for Jesus?
John 14:6 (NIV): "Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
You may think you don't care, or that everything you have done can never be forgiven. But that is not true. When you come to Jesus with a broken and contrite spirit, seeking Him, seeking His forgiveness, He offers it freely. How can He forgive so freely? Because before you were even born, He knew you. He came to earth as a baby, suffered and died on the cross, so that we all - including you - would have access to Him and could live with Him forever. Before you were, He knew you. He knew what your life would be like. He knows all about what your future holds. Would you not surrender all that you hold on to - and grab hold of Jesus' hand and allow Him to walk with you the rest of your life? His hand is outstretched .... always.... just for you.
Blessings!
