Ah, the erase button is getting used this morning! Heartache. We all have it; usually it is caused by others doing things that make no sense but hurts themselves and others. As a mother and grandmother, I have had my share of heartache. Now I realize all that my own mother went through. And the sad part? We can't really share those heartaches with others because we don't want others to feel sorry for us, nor do we want their pity. Ah... enough of heartaches. I am so grateful I have God to run to. He is the One who understands my heartache and my fears and all the unknown that runs through my mind. He is the One in Whom I can lean into, trust to hold my thoughts captive, and help me through painful times.
Some of you can understand exactly what I'm talking about because you may have experienced some of that in your own life. We can all agree, life is hard sometimes. Especially when it doesn't turn out the way we dreamed it would. People we love die, children rebel, grandchildren do their own thing. And what do we do? We buried the emotions inside (well, some of us do), and we sit back, watch, and pray. And that is what I choose to do.
I wish things were different. I wish life hadn't taken the turns that it did. I wish everyone could be happy and love each other. I wish.... ahhhh.... so many of those wishes I have buried within me and no one will ever know. I may have written some over the years... but which journal? Cyberspace has some of my thoughts.... hopefully no one will find them until after I pass on.
Back to reality.... hubby is doing well. He started to feel some twinges yeserday as the numbness wears off. He slept a little more yesterday. But he did do the laundry. A friend of his stopped by to visit and brought donuts. Today he has his regular doctor's appointment to hear results of his physical the other week and I have to drive him. Messes up my plans... I had scheduled a facial at noon today. Cancelled it and rescheduled. That's ok. I may have to cancel it again... I didn't check the calendar. I will this morning. So other than working, that's it for a Thursday.
I am missing the little breaks I get when hubby leaves to go somewhere. He won't let me work in the back room I'm trying to fix up as an exercise room. He is refusing to let me get rid of a desk back there - says I'm getting rid of too much stuff. (seriously!) I don't use this desk, it is a 'catch all'. But, now I have to find a place to put it. But I can't move anything until he is out of the house. AND he's having the cleaning people come this week instead of next so I will have to pull up the rubber matts that I was putting together to put the treadmill on so that they can sweep the floor. Backtracking what I've managed to sneak and do while he was asleep.
I finished the (Un)qualified book by Steven Furtick that I started earlier this week. It was very good, actually. I know I am unqualified to do a lot of things, but God always 'qualifies' what needs to be done.
A friend of my sister's is struggling with her two younger children. She and her husband adopted several children, but these were the two youngest - and were under 10 when he died of brain cancer. He fought hard, but lost. Two days before he died, their new house was hit by a tornado (the only one on that street) and demolished. The contractor has been taking his time and two years later the house is still not finished. And the wife misses her husband terribly. Now the two youngest children, who barely knew their adopted father, have become rebellious. The one is now 9, I think, and says she doesn't believe in God anymore because He let her daddy die. The youngest, around 6 or 7, has become so rebellious the mother cannot homeschool him anymore and has put him in school in which he is causing major problems. This defenseless mother is broken. She misses her husband, she's trying to raise their children (I think there were six total), she is trying to get their home fixed, and she keeps leaning into God to help her, and He does, but life gets really hard. I cannot fathom the pain and heartache she is going through.
And I think of my own mother, whose husband died at age 39, leaving her with 6 children ranging in ages 16 through 1. My mother had told me how much she and my daddy had loved each other. I truly wish she had never remarried.... but she felt she needed someone to help her with the children. I would rather have had a hard life than go through what we had to go through.
I've often thought of the story of Joseph in the Bible. Moreso because it seems that no matter what I'm reading, a reference is made about Joseph. Why Joseph? Because he was favored by his father, and the jealousy of his brothers threw him into a pit and then sold him as a slave. But do you see God's hand in this story, in spite of the fear and heartache Joseph had to have felt? Joseph turned to God and held on to Him in spite of his life. He worked in a home and was accused of attempted rape, thrown in prison, made friends with the baker and cup-bearer, and he gives them the meaning of a couple dreams - and then one is beheaded and the other forgets all about him! Finally the Pharaoh has a dream and the cup-bearer remembers him and Joseph is brought out to reveal the dream to Pharaoh. Then Joseph is made 2nd in the kingdom of Egypt. Could you even imagine! Years more pass and his brothers come from Caanan to buy food. He recognizes them. Oh he could have gotten revenge! But he doesn't. Over the course of time, he reveals himself to them and weeps over them, forgiving them for selling him into slavery. How could Joseph do that? How could he forgive those brothers for what they did to him?
Easily. Because he saw God's hand upon himself, that he would be used to save the nation of Israel - a remnant that would move to Egypt and grow to be a large nation. And when his father, Jacob, died, they took him back and buried him in the land God had given to Jacob and his people. When Joseph died, and Moses finally was able to take Israel out of the land of Egypt back to the Promised Land from God, they carried Joseph's bones with them, that they would be buried in the land. It's a great true story. Joseph never gave up on God. He said that God allowed what happened so that Joseph could save the children of Israel (Jacob).
Our lives are not as complicated as Joseph's was, but we all have been through some tough times, some tough fires, some tough heartaches. Yet, God is always with us, no matter how we medicate the pain, no matter what we do. God IS, not was. And God still takes what we go through to work through life so that we can be a blessing to others. We may not see it now, we may not see how our lives affect out children and grandchildren, our spouses, and even our friends. But God will take our lives and use it. How I don't know, but it's good to know that He can use unqualified people, even people like me. And unqualified people like you.
Take a moment and think about where your life is today. Are you happy? Are you satisifed with where you are? How are you influencing those around you? Do you make a difference in their lives?
Sometimes I feel useless, a waste of space. Truly. And yet, sometimes I will get an email, or a note, or a phone call, and all it says is 'thanks for being there'.... and I know that God has taken something made of dirt and blessed someone. And He does that for you too.
Take a moment and bless someone today. Do the laundry, wash the dishes, pick up the toys.... bless your spouse just by doing the little things. God can use you too.
Blessings!
