Yesterday was a tough day - not as far as work - only had a few meetings to schedule and then took off early to go get a massage. I fell asleep 3-4, ok, maybe 5 times - and woke myself up snoring! I have been physically and mentally exhausted and just keep pushing, I guess. My heavy heart is not letting me rest. I was told once that if I fall asleep during a massage, that means they are doing their job - causing me to relax so much that I can rest. Granted, each time I fell asleep it was only for a moment cause that first snore caused me to jerk awake! And I was getting a deep massage!
Last night was another sleepless night, one in which I tossed and turned and my mind wouldn't shut off. Part of it is my new pillow, I think. I bought new bamboo pillows last week and they are puffy and full - and I'm used to more flat. I just can't get my neck situated just right and I don't sleep well with it. I may switch back to my old pillow and see how I sleep. Anyone want a bamboo pillow? Hubby feels it helps him sleep better, but not me. Perhaps it is because I like to curl up in a ball when I sleep.
I received an email from my little brother last night that I wish i had waited until this morning to read. I read it a few times last night. My heart is in anguish. A couple other insurance policies were found of our older sisters'. One, she neglected to pay May or June's payment and now they won't pay. Understandable, but sad. This other policy was for $15,000... and it was made out to - let's say the name was 'Train Wreck'. That was the dad. He died. Did it have Train Wreck, JR'? Our little sister said it didn't... which means it doesn't go to the drug-addicted Train Wreck JR'.... I don't know - I do know it doesn't go to me, so I need to just mind my own business. So why am I so disturbed the JR is getting the money? He will have it spent within 30 days or less. My brother said JR is 'using' again. I'm disturbed because my sister had said she did NOT want to leave him any money. She told me that on several circumstances. She knew what he would do with the money and she didn't want to enable him. Her ex-husband had died years ago.... had she a contingent beneficiary and not her son? I don't know. I'm going to mention it to my brother.... it would be fraud if the will only has 'Train Wreck' and not 'Train Wreck JR' as that is how he signs everything. But then, it is also none of my business. I am struggling my sister's wishes aren't being done. But that is her fault. She chose to end to her life - whether accidentally or not. My heart is aching because I miss her, I really do. I think I am the only one who truly understood and cared about her.
Today is Needles of Hope and I am going to go, although emotionally I don't want to. I need my friends hugs this morning. I am feeling emotionally deprived. I know hubby is here and would comfort me as much as I need it... but it isn't the same. I don't want to be controlled; I want to be released. Its' hard to explain so won't go there. I don't cry around hubby. I don't want his comfort, as he pushes everyone away from me so that he alone can comfort me. I haven't cried over the loss of my loved ones because I can't. I hold it in. I some day will 'let it all out'... but not now. Songs can make me cry, or things like last night, missing my big sister, struggling over the nephew getting something she didn't want him to have and squandering it... it did bring silent tears into my pillow.
Ah... the grilled cheese comment above. Yeah, what did I mean about that? I read about a situation in a devotional by my mentor this morning. And that's what I want to be. A grillled cheese sandwich.
Deuteronomy 7:6 (NIV): "The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."
My friend shared about a story he had read some time ago about a woman who had made a grilled cheese sandwich and as the bread browned, it came out with the image of Jesus (as we know it) - and she sold it for $22,000!! Makes me want to start grilling to see what I can make!
But the point I want to make is... that although I feel burnt up, used, beaten up by circumstances; although I hurt so bad inside sometimes for things that are out of my control; although I want to help others and am restricted and it hurts so bad..... my cheese is melted, and my outside is grilled hot.... I want the image others see when they look at me....
is the image of Jesus. I want others to see Jesus in me. Not an angry or upset Jesus like I sometimes feel, not a Jesus who gets upset when things don't go my way.
I want people to see a loving and kind and giving Jesus inside of me that loves others no matter where they are. Who gives without thinking about getting back. Who cares for others when they don't care for me.
I want to be that Jesus. I want THAT Jesus to be inside of me.
I struggle. I fall. I confess. I ask forgiveness. But Deurteronomy 7:6 tells me that the Lord my God has chosen me out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be HIS, His treasured possession. He loves me beyond measure. Regardless of where or what I think I am, Jesus loves me. And He loves you. You also are His treasured possession.
What image do you have of Jesus inside of you? What do people see when they look at you?
I want them to see Jesus in me; the One who loves me immeasureably more than I could ever hope or imagine. I wannna be a grilled cheese with the image of Jesus on me, and in me.
Blessings!
