I prayed hard. I believed He would do it. I really believed God would hear and would answer. And, in effect, He did. "No". I would have declared His faithfulness and praised Him in His answer of 'Yes' - and now I will declare His faithfulness and praise Him in His answer of 'No'.
So many unanswered questions. So much unknown. I'm numb. I can't believe she did this. I can't believe my older sister was in such pain that she chose the coward way out of life. I get the why. She was in so much pain with the rheumatoid arthritis she had. Her bones were brittle; her hands had crippled. It wouldn't be long before her entire body would be crippled. She had cancer of the stomach - or the name given for it - GIST. She had refused any treatment for it. She figured she might have 3 more years before the stomach cancer killed her. But the pain she must have been enduring! Did that cloud her mind to the point that she just couldn't take it anymore.
The detectives said there was a mug next to her bed that had once held the antifreeze that she chose to drink. Was she able to open the small bottle and pour into the mug for whenever she decided to drink it? Did she tell her son what she was doing? Did he help her do this act? We do not know. After she had fallen three times, (why three?) and her son had helped her back onto her bed, he finally called the parametics for her broken foot. She was still talking when the parametics arrived.... but once taken to the hospital, lapsed into unconsciousness. By the time they discovered she had drank antifreeze (and it had to be at least half a mug for it to be this effective this quick), it was really too late. They did put her on dialysis, and the antifreeze filtered out her body. In less than 24 hours, her organs started shutting down. By afternoon, she was gone. Our little sister had gone up there, and she let me know what she saw - and that she was gone. By the time by little brother, who is her POA, arrived to have the tubes removed that were keeping her alive, she was officially declared dead at 6:12PM on 6/11/2022.
What I find so very sad, other than the death of my older sister... by however means.... is that when the chaplain came in and told my little brother and sister to think of a happy memory. My brother said "There are not happy memories with her; she was hateful". My little sister then responded that "she was very giving", and our brother conceded that fact. Our older sister did from time to time, give us things. But our brother was truthful. I sat and thought quite a bit about it, and I cannot remember happy memories either. And that makes me sad.
The son of this sister immediately went into the psych ward of the hospital where he is still. Our brother has contacted him several times with reports... and with the death of his mother. He is beside himself.. he has no where to go, no where to live. How long before he takes his own life, no one knows. Even though he did not treat her well, I know that he loved her. She was always yelling at him about something. And he yelled back. But I know that he loved her and this is a terrible loss for him, in many ways.
His sister is in a cult in Texas and wants nothing to do with her mother or brother. She had told her mother that she wouldn't even come back for her funeral so don't bother to let her know. Unless she inherited her car, then she'd come get it and drive back. She only gave her telephone number to her mother last week. She wanted no contact. My sister's granddaughter does not even acknowledge her... and refused to let her see her great-grandchildren. My sister's grandson does keep in touch and visited, but now is in Ohio, I think. I tried to reach him last night but I think that the number I have for him is incorrect. Hopefully my sister's phone book can be found with numbers.
I know I'm rambling this morning but am still trying to sort everything out in my mind. One brother notified one side of our family; the other brother the other side. I am assuming our little sister notified our step-siblings as I have no information on any of them and she and the younger brother have stayed in contact over the years.
I know my sister had told me she did not want a funeral, but I had told her that we needed at least a memorial service. She has everything prepared except for her casket. She has a crypt, not far from our mother's, I think. Depending on when the memorial service or funeral is, will determine when I will be going back. Due to the expense of travel, hubby will not be going with me, and I'm grateful for that because it is easier to grieve with my siblings. My daughter has offered to fly back with me, and I'm grateful for that. If the service is soon, I will go back a couple days ahead so that I can help clean out the apartment. Otherwise, I will go back only for a few days for the service.
All this I've written to clear my mind on what is going on, what has happened. Exhaustion last night brought hope that I would sleep well as the night before my mind was praying most of the night and not asleep. But, alas, I was awake at 2:30AM and finally got up around 3:20AM to begin my day and let hubby sleep without my tossing and turning. He got up about 5AM, I think, and brought in my coffee and asked how I was doing.
And I am doing fine. With living out here, there is somewhat a disconnection, if that makes sense. It still hurts, I still have shed tears, and I am still grieving at our loss. I just talked with my sister on Tuesday last week. She didn't sound like herself, but I figured I had awakened her, and we talked just briefly. She was frustrated because the power had gone out and her only entertainment, the TV, was not available. That was our last converation. But we always ended our calls with "I love you". I'm glad we did.
Today is Sunday and we will be getting ready soon to go to church at 9AM. And I will be right where I need to be. Being loved and comforted within the church. No one knows of what has transpired this week; but it is being with Jesus in my sorrow, that will bring the peace that I need for my soul. I am with Him now, but being with a body of believers is always healing. I will be praising Jesus along with everyone else. I will be worshipping the One who told me 'No, not this time', and trusting Him completely and loving Him with all that I am.
The lyrics to an old hymn come to mind... can't think of the name of it but the words are "There will be no more sorrow, no more pain...." And at last, my sister is free of all her pain.
Blessings.
