Yep - I guess I had misunderstood. I thought my new doctor was a NP - but she is not. She is a doctor and I really liked her. When she came in, I explained why I was there - my current doctor couldn't get me in until April 2023 to see him, after he cancelled my appointment a few weeks back. Unacceptable to me. But he is getting my tests done. And I'll go get them... and they will be in my chart. But I won't go back to him. After sharing this with my new doctor, she agreed with my plan. I will gradually move over to her after all this yearly stuff is done. And we were able to get 'established' with her on this visit. We did a lot of just talking and I took my papers where I had everything listed about medical history of myself and my family.
At one point, she got me. I shared my older sister had died recently, and although the reports say she died from 'intoxication of antifreeze'... no one believes she did it herself. And it is still under investigation. She asked the question, "how are you feeling about all that?" I choked up and tears came to my eyes (just as they are now as I think over our conversation) and I looked at my doctor and just said, "I'm doing ok, but I miss her. We weren't real close, but we talked fairly often. I haven't been able to cry, and I can't cry, although my eyes are watering now. But I'm ok. It hurts." So she talked a few minutes and questioned my response of not crying.... and I told her "I will always have this reaction when someone I love passes. It is more my heart grieves at my loss and when I hear their name or hear something they did, my heart longs to see them again." She accepted that and we moved on.
There are lots of people that I have loved and have passed on, and there are times that when I sit and think about them, my heart grieves to see them again, and the tears will fill up in my eyes. It's just my heart crying out in love. And that's ok. Some day I may completely 'lose it' in the tears I have stored up for years.... but I know that God sees every tear I have cried in my heart. They may not fall down my face right now, but He knows my heart and knows my pain.
Got a lot done for work yesterday but minutes was not one of them. Guess what I have facing me again yet today... yep - minutes. Hopefully I can get to them today. Yesterday was busy catching up on other things. No, not procrastinating - had several meetings I had to schedule. Hopefully I can finish up on those this morning and can get back to the minutes and finish them.
I am fighting my procrastination bug. Personally, I'd rather curl up and read all day.... but, alas, need to face the computer and work.
Oh - forgot... my new doctor and I, during our conversation... I made a slight comment about my weight. (I did eat a bowl of soup before I went so I'm blaming the extra two pounds I'd gained to that!) going up and in spite of everything that I have tried - Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, whatever is out there - the weight will not come off - although I stuck to each one 2-3 months. And, I also commented I knew that age was part of it, but also that I knew I needed to exercise, at least walk. But, although I have great intentions, and great desires to do so, it doesn't happen. She recommended a book called 'Atomic Habits' that she said is a great book, easy read, and may help me get the habit of exercising down. I went to order it after I got home - after all, I'm willing to try just about anything (except not eating) to lose my fat belly and butt.... the traditional Snipes look, I'm afraid.... and it seems there are several books that have that name - most are 'summary of atomic habit' and I don't understand that... I finally found one by James Cleary I think it was, and bought it. Hopefully it is the right book. Will see when I get it I guess. I know it takes (it is said) 3 weeks or 21 days to form a new habit. I do good to get past day 2. I'm hoping this will motivate me to not stop, but keep going. Hubby de-motivates me faster than anything else... but I need to push past that. Will see how the book can motivate me. It should be here in the next day or so, I think. Maybe I will be able to share some of it here. But that means I need to read it... and not add it to the stack of books I want to read.
Reading has always been my escape from real life. I just don't get to do it often enough anymore. I miss getting away to the hermitage for it always revived me.
Just like my grandchildren and great grandchildren do - but in a different way. Got to see our newest great grandson Monday evening. After work yesterday my youngest son brought over his son who is in town, with his month old baby. Oh my goodness, just a blessing! Love sitting and holding babies. There is such a great comfort in doing that. First time I've gotten to see that one. Unfortunately, they live far enough away, it will be long period of time between visits. But then, it doesn't matter with those that live here in town. Not blaming anyone. We all have work and we are all busy. Heck, I do good to see my own children! I think I will get a book for my middle child over to him within the next day or so. Even if he isn't home, I can drop it off. Or, I could run it up to his wife who works a mile north of us. I love that he loves to read like I do.
Song of Solomon 4:9: "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes."
One could say that about books - at least those who love books. But in the Song of Solomon, it was a hopelessly in love thing that Solomon was writing about. Oh to be in love like that! But there IS someone who loves US like that!
'You have captured the heart of God. You hold His heart hostage. He makes it clear over and over again that He cannot get you out of His mind. He is constantly thinking about you. He is constantly wanting to be with you. Even in your worst moments when you have rejected His love and have turned away from Him, He can't stop pursuing you. He never stops loving you. He's hopelessly in love with you. And He doesn't want it any other way.' (quote from devotional)
Sit back for a moment and just think of what that love looks like. Lay it all down and look at your life, what you have to offer God. And you know what? No matter what it is that we lay down of our past, or even our present, He looks upon it and looks at you with all the love He is. He loves you with a love that is unending. He longs for you. You are His treasure. He will wait forever for you to be His. Why wait? Being loved by Him is greater than any love you can get from any human. He is forever gracious, forever loving. You have captured His heart. Does He have yours?
Blessings!
