to the women's conference yesterday. I sat alone. I talked with others around me, I even saw someone I knew there - but wasn't invited to join them, so I continued.... alone. I shopped alone (and spent too much as no one was there to rein me in), and I sat alone. I did get a lot of crocheting completed. Yes, I took it with me - because I was alone. This has troubled me this morning. And God and I have discussed it. Or rather, I have shed my tears and asked God to help me find someone who can be my 'friend'. Who enjoys the things I enjoy, and who lives life.
I know that sounds really odd, if you know me. I have a lot of friends. I really do. I have a couple friends that I know I can confide in and share my deepest, darkest secrets with (and they with me). But there is a travel distance between us and also our lives are different, but they are still dear friends. I want someone that I can call on the phone and they have time to chat with me about things that matter to me (and will talk to me about things that matter to them). I want someone to 'hear' me, and I want to 'hear' them. I want someone to do bible studies with and grow in Christ with. I feel so alone today. And I think that yesterday just brought that feeling about.
My daughter and I meet most weeks at least once. But she has her own life. It isn't her 'job' to be my best friend although we are very close. I can visit Ms. Vicky and Ms. Diane, but I can't share my life with them. We have friends at the RV park but are not close enough to them to share 'life' with them. I feel isolated out here where we live. We haven't found a church yet that we feel at home with. I feel so alone. My sister says I am her best friend, but you know how that goes. She has two 'best friends' who have died recently, so she feels she has no one but me.
I'm not seeking pity; I allowed this life to happen to me. I let people confine me, control me. I let others shut me out and with moving out here, we are too far away to be 'bothered' with. I feel empty, and alone. I have asked God to direct my path to where He wants me to be. And in doing that, He will help hubby to want what I want/need. He complains about feeling he has no friends.... and yet, he does. But I get what he says. He just gets to meet with some of his friends. I have one I can meet with - but if she's busy...
Free Chapel / Jentezen Franklin has Mark Pentecost on church this morning. Mark Pentecost has written a book that will be out May 6 (yes, I ordered it on Amazon) - and it is on Dreams.... what dream has God given you that you let fall by the wayside as you handled life? What dream did you give up because of life getting in the way, unexpected things causing doors to shut. What is God's dream for you?
I've shared my dream of being full time in ministry and how that never came to fruition. And even now, we are 'church-less'. I mentioned a couple churches yesterday and hubby says next Sunday we will go to one. I prefer to watch a service online to see what it is like first, so hope to watch one at least.
What is your dream? What is that dream that you had that was snatched from you? What dream did you give up because life hit you with challenges? I don't know what you dreamed. I don't know what dreams you still have. I have had many dreams that fell by the wayside. Perhaps that is why I feel so alone as well. I love people, and I love being around them and I love doing for them, sharing life with them. But I feel I live in a prison - of my own making - and here I am.
I am praying this morning not only for God to give me a dream, but to give you a dream as well. Take the time to sit quietly and ask Him what His dream is for you. We are never too old to have a dream. Our lives are not so empty that there isn't a dream inside of us.
Let's choose to dream - and live the life that God has chosen for us.
Blessings!
