I did not want to get up this morning. My sinus hurt. I didn't sleep well. Whine. What in the world was on my mind last night? Well, I will get to that in a minute. But, when I did finally arise this morning, I think it was like 4:10 AM or so.... I intentionally came and sat in my chair, pulled out my lap table, put my Bible on it and struggled to read one chapter. Hubby brought in my coffee. I finished the chapter, and I decided I wasn't going to 'fight' it this morning. I was still awake at 11:11 PM last night and I was / am exhausted this morning. So I closed my eyes and laid back in my chair, ad I don't know that I slept at all, but I sure did attempt it. If nothing else, I laid here and had my eyes closed. But, I still feel pretty tired, my sinus still hurt, and although I imagine I DID sleep some, I feel groggy like I didn't. No, I'm not getting a lot of my reading done this morning. I'm not going to beat myself up over it either. Yes, I have my 'routine' of what I do in the mornings. And I don't care this morning that I am not getting it all done. It will still be here tomorrow.
So what in the world kept me awake? Well, first off, we got home a little later than usual from our Bible study and I like to unwind some before going on to bed. Grabbed a tart cherry juice (I have a feeling I need to drink those earlier in the day) and sat down for a few minutes with hubby to discuss the study before heading off to bed. Hubby gave his 'testimony' last night of how he became a Christian. They want each one of us to do that. Guess who has the turn next week? Yep. Me. And guess who laid awake nearly all night going over their life and trying to decide what to share and what doesn't need to be shared? Yep. Me again. I could not get it out of my mind.
Yes, I share a lot of things on here. But there is also a lot that I haven't shared about my life. There is some I'm ashamed of. I know that God has forgiven me. I know His grace is poured out all over me. I have no doubt about that. Is it a part I need to share? Sorta. Not in detail, of course, but I need to share some of what God delivered me FROM, so that I can share where He has taken me TO. Does that make sense? I know this will be a shock.... but I haven't always put God first. I haven't always strived to do what was right. I haven't always been in love with Jesus.
There was a two year period my life was all about ME. I was 'free' for the first time in my life. My own boss. My money was mine. I could go wherever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. And I enjoyed being told I was pretty. It is a period of my life that I wish I could erase. When I confessed it, and asked forgiveness, God erased it and He doesn't remember it anymore. I know it is Satan who brings things back to my mind at times to make me feel ashamed, and I often need remind him that God has forgiven me, and that He remembers it no more - as far as the east is from the west - and that is all that matters.
Psalm 103:12 (NKJV): "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."
How could I not love Jesus when He covered me with His blood, and washed away all my sins and cleansed me? He washed me white as snow. There is nothing like the blood of Jesus to wash you clean. He is the only One who can.
I knew that growing up that Jesus can - and will - forgive. I went to the altar frequently (due to other things going on in my life) until my mother told me to stop, that it didn't look good. Perhaps she was afraid I'd share things that were happening, I don't know. But I knew that at the altar I felt safe and secure. I was baptized at age 14. I knew ABOUT Jesus....... but I didn't KNOW Jesus. I'm sure our church pastor shared... but it never soaked in. I never had that personal relationship with Jesus like I have now. I knew right from wrong, of course. Most of us do. But because I didn't have that personal relationship and know how much Jesus truly did love me, He was just a story in a book.
I grew up knowing ABOUT Jesus.... I just didn't grow up KNOWING Jesus. And that is what happens in many households.
So anyway... that is what was on my mind last night and when I awoke this morning.
Finding Jesus.... and He was never far away..... was the best thing that could have ever 'happened' to me. He changed my life and GAVE me life. He showed me I had purpose.
What about you? Have you gotten to the personal relationship with Jesus yet? Or are you still in the 'head knowledge' of Him, and yet, not having the heart knowledge? Knowing Jesus in your heart makes all the difference in the world. He gives us the peace that covers everything. And all one has to do is ask Him to 'take the wheel' of our lives and show us how to live.
Jesus loves you more than you can ever imagine. He longs to gather you in to His arms of love and walk this journey of life with you. Would you ask Him to walk with you? Yeah, you may not want to give up some things right now, and you may not think you are 'ready'.... but you are. How do I know? Because Jesus took a woman who was covered in shame and self-disgust and gathered her into His arms and said "I forgive you". I had to lean into Him to guide me in to what I was to do. I'm still not perfect. I still fall, I still make mistakes. But I have learned that He never holds that against me. He still loves me.
And that makes all the difference in the world. Stop what you are doing, and reflect back on your life. Jesus can make all the difference in your life, and in your family's life; choose Jesus. Will you let Him?
Blessings!
