I was surprised at myself. I've done so well at holding all emotion at bay. But when a friend shared with others at Needles of Hope yesterday that I had a loss close to me...tears welled up in my eyes and some overflowed. I was able to remain 'in control' somewhat, but it felt good to have some release. I didn't share much; I shared who had passed a little bit of what is going on within my family, and asked for prayer for the dysfunction. Then we moved on to another subject. But just those few minutes of releasing some of my grief, was a great help. The remainder of the day I was withdrawn, just wanting to be alone and process everything. I really hadn't had a chance to with work going on.
I had a great opportunity to be alone for a couple hours. I went to look for large artificial plants that I could put in the back yard pots... seems hubby's watering scheduling and the plants didn't agree, and the bushes I had planted in the pots have all died. Only problem, we need something that requires full sun and for a long time. The only thing I could come up with was cactus... and I opted out. I didn't buy any plants, but did walk around and just think and process.
I ended up at Walmart unexpectedly. Probably spent more because I stopped there - and didn't even make it to the garden center. Just walked around in my grief and sadness. Did get some July 4th pajamas for hubby and I... we both like to get comfortable in the evenings and I put my jammies on early evening (once I know there is no chance anyone will come over) to relax. They are shorts and a T-shirt - and look comfortable. LOL Hubby had his own when he brought my coffee in this morning and commented they were comfortable. He likes them cause he can have clothes on, (thank goodness) and yet be comfortable and relaxed as we do our quiet time. I also bought hubby a couple other things... can't remember what else I bought. Just from wandering around the store. THIS is why I don't go shopping. As I wander about, I put things in the cart. I didn't do too bad, though. Oh, I did buy another hummingbird feeder... my other one broke. I really liked this glass one, but at $25 I didn't get it so opted for another plastic one. And that's ok. I just love to sit and watch the hummingbirds come and drink of the nectar I make. Yep - 1 cup of sugar to 4 cups of water, bring to a boil, let cool. None of that store bought stuff.
Today is Sunday and I will be stopping a bit early to go jump in the shower and get ready for church. Looking forward to church and being around other people. We are slowly getting to know others. We feel comfortable there. I was telling my friend yesterday (who also goes there) that we had started going to the first service because we know it is going to end around a certain time. She laughed and said that is why she goes to the second service, no time limit to hold back the Holy Spirit. So I reminded her that the Holy Spirit also comes to the first service; and is not restrained. He just knows we need to either end or move into the 2nd service timeframe. And either is ok, as long as the Holy Spirit is in charge. The second service is filled with more demonstrative people..... and as I mentioned before, 20 times on the same chorus is more than enough. Call me 'old fashioned' or 'out of it' - and I can probably agree with you, if that is your definition of it. I can worship freely in 30 minutes or more... but when the worship team member creates what to me feels like a performance versus worship coming from them.... it distracts me. Maybe it is just me. But I want to worship, not watch a performance. I can go to a concert if I want to watch that... and when they just want to stir up the people's emotions.. it's no longer worship. Just my humble opinion.
My sofa looks a mess, I noticed as I went to bed last night. I really need to clean it off. I brought some donated yarn home with me yesterday. Not a lot, but some. I decided to stop on the project I was doing and start something else. I couldn't figure out the yarn and there wasn't a lot of it, so I stopped and tore it out. Then i looked for something else - and decided to knit versus crochet. And I'm not good at either one, actually. I really ought to sign up for lessons somewhere... and learn new stitches rather than the basics tat I've used all this time. ButI decided to knit. I found some yarn I had and got started, and managed to do about 4 rows before I needed to go to bed. But a glance at the sofa as I got up showed me how my life feels lately.
Scattered yarn skeins, remmants of yarn in a basket, bag of yarn and hooks of all kinds, unfinished projects .... all laying on the floor and on the couch. Totally unlike me. But it reminded me of my life right now. It is all confused and messed up, with a little bit of this and a little bit of that thrown in here and there. All different issues, different problems, some good, some bad... things in my life that make me who I am.... all the different colors... made the one me.
There is one project I am working on that I haven't decided if I will donate as a baby blanket (cause I am almost at that size), continue working on it to make it a gift for Christmas, or keep for myself. I am crocheting it, remnant of yarn, by remnant of yarn. It is a mixture of colors - randomly selected - and it is turning out to be a beautiful piece. It reminds me of my life... jumbled all togeher with all the things going on right now... and yet, God can - and will - and has - made something beautiful out of it. Some of the colors have made it all round the square (doing 'granny stitches' - it stays in a squared position) - others may have only done a partial side. Especially as it has grown to nearly 30" square.
Reminds of me the tapestry story.... let see how much of it I can remember.... there was a woman who created a tapestry (weaving threads together into material) but all she saw was the working side of the tapestry. She saw the knots of each string of thread used. She saw all the twists and turns of the thread as it made it's design. Totally crazy sewing. And she was reminded of how her life was (kind of like me).. messed up, lots of knotted ends, nothing in sync. Then one day as she thought about the side of the tapesty she was working on, it was turned over. And what she saw was beautiful. The lines of the thread were even and smooth. They blended together just as they should. It was beautiful.
I know I didn't tell the story right... but the point I want to make is .... even though what we see of our life is pain, problems, difficulties and the yarn of our lives is going all over the place and is making an ugly mess..... what God sees in us is a perfect piece of His plan for us. The finished side of our lives reflects who we are in Him... and when we allow Jesus to direct our path, He makes all things well.
I reflect on that story as I crochet the 'blanket of many colors' that I am making of the remnants of yarn I have in the basket. It feels like a story of my life, especially what God is allowing me to go through right now. It's painful. It's sad. It's hard. I don't like being in this place of hurt. But one thing I know, God will not leave me there, and when the project is finished, it will be a beautiful gift from Him, showing me that these things in my life can't destroy me. I belong to Him and He will walk with me through this journey and make my life a beautiful piece of art.
Proverbs 3:5 (NKJV): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."
It isn't about what we think or think we understand about a situation.... it's about trusting the Lord to get us through it. He can see the 'big picture' of whatever we are going through. Trust Him. He will get you through it, no matter what it is.
Blessings!
