It's a long, tiring, and painful story.... but bottom line, hubby will still not agree to my retiring. I brought it up again yesterday. He doesn't know (because I don't want him to know) that it will 'hurt' me more financially than it would him. I have money coming from my check that he doesn't know about and that is why I can have a savings account, and why I can buy gifts and do any trips and all that fun stuff. I would have to re-evaluate everything I do if I quit work. But you know what? There is nothing we NEED... he is just so insecure .... plus he saw how much I made last year when I gave him the W-2 I got from work. And from Social Security. When I talked to him about my retirement - his comment was "do you know that not many women make as much money as you do!" Like that is an honor? I can guarantee you I can think of my DILove who makes more money than I do! And that's only one! So I'm back to praying again that God will give me patience and wisdom. There has to be a reason I need to keep working - perhaps it is just to keep my sanity and be somewhat 'sharper' than I would be under hubby's thumb. He has to have me where he knows where I am.... and some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Everything with him is we have have to be in it 'together' - unless it is something he wants to do. UGH - don't let me go there. I'm hurt, and I'm angry - and I need to let it go.
And my favorite boss, Sue, is retiring July 31st, and I guarantee you, she makes a lot more money than I do! But they were smart with their money. And I will leave that there. I get angry every time I think about something..... and I have to forgive and let it go - and forgive again, and again, and again. Ironically, I understand my sister's pain completely that her hubby (and her shopping) used up all her quarter of a million dollars 401K within 5 years of her retirement and now they live from SS check to SS check. I get it, and I understand her pain and anger. But we still need to forgive and move on. God will always provide what we need. Some of you may be in that same boat.
It's been a nice peaceful morning. God and I have had a lot of conversation this morning, mainly my asking Him to bring peace to my heart. There is so much I want to do, but am limited. I don't like being 'told' I need to do this or that.... I want to getaway... but I can never be alone when I do. I need to move on to other subjects. This one wears me down - and you as well since I seem to harp on it at times.
Wednesday. Hump Day. Remember the commercial of the camel walking through the office? "It's HUMP day! I love that commercial and think it is hilarious.
I'm sure I looked at the calendar yesterday before I signed off, but I don't remember what is on today's calendar. I screwed up yesterday. Dr. E called me at 10AM... and as soon as I saw his name pop up on my phone, I knew I had done it again. I had a 9:30 appointment. He's my chiropractor. And I didn't have it on my work calendar and totally forgot. I hadn't looked on our calendar in the kitchen. UGH. I hate it when I do that. We rescheduled for Thursday and I made sure it is on my work calendar, my personal calendar, and the calendar in the kitchen on the wall. Surprised that hubby didn't remind me; he usually tracks everything I do. Yes, I'm being sarcastic.
I was reading today about loving others - even those we don't like. That's hard, you know? As I read, someone came to mind that is very hard to love. It's hard to even think anything good about this person. I've tried, I really have, to love and be kind. I can be kind, but love them, that's the hard part. Forgive them for things they have done? That's even harder. But Jesus says we must. Why?
Because if we don't forgive this person - God won't forgive us. And if God doesn't forgive us, we won't go to heaven. No matter how good we are. No matter how much we serve Him. No matter how kind and generous we are to other people. We are called to forgive, just as we want Jesus to forgive us. And that is hard. Harder still is to love them.
How hard is it for others to love us? I know people have difficulty with me, and with hubby. But I like to think they still love me. I don't know that they don't 'love' hubby, I think it is more they resent him. And I can understand that. I do too - most of the time, in fact, if I really want to be honest. I love him, but I don't always like him. And yet, we are called to do both.
I watched The War Room again last night. I came home early from my daughter's for I wanted to be alone - hubby was at his bible study. I always feel inspired to pray after I watch that movie. I want to pray more. I want to seek God more. I so want to run away and just 'be' with Him. Alone.
And with that - it's 7AM already and I haven't even turned on the work computer yet - see what I mean? It always interrupts me! It ruins my entire morning just because I need to stop reading, stop typing, stop whatever I am doing - and get on the work computer. That's why I enjoy Saturday and Sunday mornings! I don't have to turn it on.
Anyway - got to get off here and get online. Hope that you have a marvelous day - hope my ramblings - well not all of them - don't disturb you - but that some will bring you pause.
Blessings!
ADDENDUM: I just went into the kitchen to get more tea, and hubby came in and asked what I had on the calendar for Saturday (nothing). He wants us to sit down and go over everything - our finances, plans, etc. - and talk about RETIREMENT. Hallelujah! I couldn't get him THIS far before! (now I'm scared!) So I need to think through my pros - and cons of why I want to retire. He said that after my comment back to him of him making me work so he can enjoy his 'comfortable lifestyle' really got to him and he has been praying about it all night and again this morning (he actually started crying!). I'm not saying it will be easy making the change of a good income to that being gone, but I am willing in order to be able to live life. After all, I will be 77 this year. One of the changes would definitely be stop training. Not sure we can afford that anymore. But, we should know enough we can do it on our own. Anyway - stay tuned - Saturday will be here before we know it. Got a lot of praying to do - is this what God wants me to do - push to be able to retire? What will I do AFTER I retire.....
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