If you read my blog yesterday after I wrote my addendum, then you know what I am pondering. If you didn't, you may want to go to the bottom of the post and read it. God works in mysterious ways, for sure. Yesterday I kept going through the calendar and tried to see where I could 'set' a date. I've actually got three dates in mind.... February 27th - which is what I put on my calendar some time ago and happened to run across it. November 6th (or November 20th) - the end of a pay period, just before the holidays, and I won't be stressing and rushing to get all my baking, etc. completed, but can relax and enjoy the holidays. Or even January 1 (although it's a holiday) - may need to make it the following Monday, January 4th so that I can get paid for it. But then, does that one day matter? So many dates; so many thoughts. I can't tell you the heaviness that lifted from me when hubby came and said 'let's talk about it". We have never gotten this far before.
If your spouse came to you and wanted to talk about retirement - how would you deal with it? Hubby hasn't responded well, as you know. And it has caused me a lot of pain and grief. And many tears. He always made me feel that I was his sugar momma - as I have been for years - and I couldn't retire cause he wanted to have his 'freedom' to do whatever (he still could, just rein in spending). A lot of things would need to change. I've given that a lot of thought as well, and am writing down things that we would need to stop, cancel, or revise.
My shopping would be reined in, for sure. I love to give, and if I hear there is a need, I want to help. That's who I am. But I would have to change that somewhat, as God leads me. Stop and pray about it before I just give, you know? The gym and training we would have to stop. It's not like we wouldn't be able to work out at all - we have to pay $500 a year for the rec center that we never go to. The disadvantage of living in an 55+ community - that and the stupid HOA. And I won't go there. I have a few things that I will need to cancel - like my overnight oats, my LMNT, and there was one other thing, but I don't remember now, but they came to mind yesterday when I was thinking about it. I'm willing to do that. In fact, I may do it anyway and start 'squirreling away' any extra monies. So many thoughts run through my head, and I need to write them down for when hubby and I talk about them.
What I am happy about, is not so much he 'may' say ok to the retirement, but he is willing to talk about it instead of just spouting off and walking away. He has hurt me so deeply because he refused to go back to work when I asked him to nearly 20 years ago - and yet, he demands I keep working. It's made me angry, and angry people are hurting people, right. Ok - that brings you update to date thus far. Stay tuned for the weekend update.
Obviously my thoughts have been centered on the above yesterday after he came in and made that request. Yesterday was also my daughter's 57th birthday. When did she get so old? We went over to her house last night to celebrate with her. The SIL made it home from New Mexico by 6PM and was there to celebrate as well. The granddaughter had picked up Mexican food from Valle Luna and that was dinner. They do have great food - and give you a lot! I couldn't eat all mine, as some of the others couldn't either. We didn't stay long, but came home and relaxed a bit before my exhaustion hit and I said I was going to bed.
Sleep was interesting (again) last night. I woke up at 1:15AM and was covered in sweat. Threw back the covers to cool the body off. I'm thinking we need to remove one of the quilts off the bed (there are two). May see about that today. Hubby said he also woke during the night sweating. He said instead of setting the the temperature for the evening at 73 and cooling, he had left it on heat. Could that be why we both woke up sweating? I would rather wake up chilly and grab a blanket to throw over me. AND go back to sleep. Couldn't go back to sleep deep, but know I slept some - until I heard a dog bark and I could swear it was in our front room! This is the second time it has happened between 2-3 in the morning! Yes, I want to get a dog - and yesterday I actually went online to the shelter and looked at some. Hubby is still saying 'no' to that as well, and I get it. If we want to go somewhere we would need to have someone watch it. But I want to get one for various reasons.
One, I love dogs. I've never had a cat - ever - but I love my daughter's cats and one, Chloe, will come and love on me. Lily - well, she will let you start petting her, then she will swat at you! She doesn't have much to do with anyone, let alone me. I got fed up with her swatting at me a couple weeks ago and hissed back at her! She pretty much stays away from me now - and I her! LOL Anyway - I saw one I really liked, but pictures don't do them justice and I want to go physically look. My reasons for wanting one? If someone is in our courtyard or on the back porch we will have an 'alert' that something is going on. If something happens to hubby, I will have a dog already established here and wouldn't have to start from the beginning in training. Same for hubby, should something happen to me. Or should I say 'when'. We all know at some point one of us will pass away. Yes, I'm being 'morbid' again, as one grandson says. Eventually I will wear hubby down. We don't need a big dog like Sheeba - I miss her so much! - but I would like a medium dog like Marley, our black Labrador. She was really 'my' dog.... and stayed close to me most of the time. Easy to train too, much more than Sheeba was!
What would I do if I retired? So many thoughts run through my mind. I would like to start a bible study here at home - I would have time to actually study deeper on it! I would like to volunteer at the church during the week. I would like to volunteer at other places. And, if I needed to, I'd like to get a part time job to where I could be around people. My choice of hours, of course. LOL But wouldn't it be fun to be able to do things that bring me enjoyment instead of sitting at the desk all day? Doing things that I really do not enjoy doing? If I was in the office around people, it would be totally different. I love being around people and sharing life with them. It would actually make my job a lot easier if I was near my bosses in person and I could ask questions and get things resolved much faster. I wouldn't have the frustration that I have now. But then, there is that drive.... so a part time job here in 'my town' would be much easier to manage, and would give me spending money, right? Even at my age, I am confident I could get a job - especially at entry level. I can flip burgers if I have to!
Matthew 7:7-8 (NLT): Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.
There is truth in that scripture, you think? How long have I been asking; seeking, knocking - hoping to hear an answer of 'yes' from hubby. Not that I have it yet, but I'm working on it. And I'm not saying it was in my own power or in his guilt that he asked to meet to talk about it. It was all God. I was also asking Him that WHEN I should retire, that He provide that answer (I'm still asking Him that question!), and I keep knocking on that door, that I can get a response, and finally, God opened the door that hubby would agree to at least discuss it. I'm so grateful to God that He listens to me, He hears me, and He responds when the timing is where it should be.
Keep asking God for what you desire; keep seeking His hand in all that you do; keep knocking on the door of heaven, that your requests will be heard. One day, you will see God's hand upon your life. Relationships restored, painful memories healed, finances restored, and a joy that is unending will cover you. Trust in Jesus. Surrender to His will. Let go of all you hold on to. Let Him lead you. No matter what your circumstances are, when you relinquish control (of which you have none, by the way) and give it to Him, you will finally see a way through it all. And the peace that passes all understanding, will envelop you.
Blessings!
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