I did have my say yesterday. Yes, it came to that. I stayed here in the back room most of the day, trying to wrap up Christmas gifts and sort out who for and what I still need to purchase. Some will be disappointed, I'm sure, others will be ok with what they get. It's not the gift; it's the thought behind it, right? So what if it is just a shirt - it's a NEW shirt, right? LOL I did get a lot of packages wrapped yesterday - and still, only a dent looks like it made in this mess in here. I may work on it more again today but then again, it IS Sunday and I DO have a at least 24 days before anyone comes over for Christmas gifts.
I do need to kick up my baking and stop eating it. I may have mentioned before, I have the 10th, 11th, 13th, 18th, and 23rd as specific dates I need to have 'gifts of baked goods' prepared. Yeah - I have a lot of baking to do - not counting what I want to send to my siblings in Indiana for their Christmas gifts. After all these years of my sending my big brother my cranberry pumpkin nut bread.... he tells me recently as we chatted, that he doesn't like pumpkin. But he also did tell me that he did eat a slice occasionally when I have sent it to him. NOW what can I send? That's my 'signature' Christmas bread, right? I'm going to have to go through my cookbooks and come up with other things. I love making things and giving it away. And he will get a loaf of the cranberry pumpkin nut bread anyway - he says they also slice it when they have gatherings. So there. It does get eaten. I think. LOL
Ok- I'm sure you ae wondering how yesterday went. As mentioned above, I did stay in this room and wrap gifts most of the day. Hubby came in and out a couple times and asked a question and I responded, but not real conversation. Early afternoon as I came out to do something, he asked me if 'something was wrong'. Now God is always listening to us. I had asked God for opportunity to talk with hubby and discuss this situation. The opportunity was provided by hubby asking me if something was wrong. I told him.
I told him exactly what I was thinking - about his driving skills. I reminded him he was 88 years old and his skills were not what they were 20 years ago. I reminded him he hit my car (which he quickly denied but I told him I have proof!!) and now had hit the daughter's car. I told him that I am scared he will hit someone or hit something and we will be sued and we will lose everything I have worked for all these years. (Surprised he didn't 'correct' me with WE versus 'I' - cause he KNOWS who has provided for him.) I told him that I wanted giving up his keys to be his decision. I also told him that any money from the sale of the car is his, (I have a possible buyer already) he will have money from no car payment, insurance, warranty that he pays. He will have money to do things with. I told him that I have been fighting tears all morning (and I had) because I am so stressed out lately because of him, and now because of this, that I am afraid that I will have a stroke.
I accused him of being prideful; that he wanted to drive to 'prove' he was still able to. He denied and said I was trying to take away his freedom. I basically told him that I wasn't taking away his freedom, I was giving him freedom. I reminded him Dr. Mark has told me I have to go with him to dr. appointments - so I will be taking him to all of them. I can take him to the pharmacy when need to. I showed him how poorly he walks - bent over and shuffling feet. He remained unmoved and did not dispute it. He commented about his 'church stuff' - which I assume is his bible studies - one on Tuesday nights and one every other Wednesday at 1PM - and one on Friday mornings. I told him we both could learn how do to Lyft or Uber - there will be a time that I will need to give up my car - and I can tell you, I won't be fighting anyone about it. I don't think. I don't go anywhere now; why would I need to go anywhere then, right? Anyway - I digress...
I also told him that if I had a stroke because of this, or got hurt, he WOULD lose his freedom because he would have to give it all up to take care of me - car or no car. He just sat there and listen to the rest of my spiel - and I reminded him he needed to make the decision; I wanted it to be his decision. But I have no problem making it for him if he doesn't. And I turned and walked away. I continued to work in here until about 4PM when I came out and fixed dinner. We ate in silence and then he asked if I wanted to watch a movie before Notre Dame played at 8:30PM and I told him no. And he left the TV off, until game time. We never spoke.
Church today and I am wondering how I can go worship God when I'm so frustrated, hurt, and grieved inside. But, worshipping God is exactly what I need to be doing during these times. Perhaps, just perhaps, God will get through his (and my) brain on what needs to happen. Prayer is the key that unlocks all doors, and I believe that in God's timing, the right decision will be made. I have made the decision that I will no longer ride with hubby. We will fight about that. But he has been having me drive to church, to our joint bible study, and usually if we go out to dinner, I drive. So it isn't like he has been driving all the time. He only drives to his bible studies and pharmacy and labs and to visit a friend who had a stroke. (and I reminded him how bad Chuck looked) And I get the feeling of loss of freedom. I understand it, I really do. I'm not being mean. I will refuse to ride with him anywhere. And I believe he will come around to the right decision. Oh - and I told him that if he hadn't made the decision by our early February doctor appointment, I will tell Dr. Mark to tell him to quit driving. He retorted back "you better not!" and I told him I will do so if he doesn't make the right decision, AND I will tell MVD not to renew his license - even if he could pass the tests now. I'm dead serious (without being dead) that I am done with this.
I am going to give him a couple days to process, for I do want him to make the decision and not me. But I will make it if I have to. And I am going to tell him to take his name off the house, and my name off his car (his is not on mine). (not that he will or I will, just a threat right now) He won't like that nor will he do it, but I will get my point across; I am not going to lose everything because of him. Marriage is for better or worse, but I think that does not mean when people are stubborn and you lose everything because of them.
Well, there you have it. He will give me an answer before this week is out. I will demand it. We are riding with the daughter to a funeral tomorrow afternoon and will be gone most of the day (I have training in the morning). I am thinking he wants to discuss with his 'accountability partner' on Tuesday night. Will see.
Isaiah 30:20 (NKJV): And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your teachers will not be moved into a corner anymore. But your eyes shall see your teachers.
We may be going through difficult times right now (bread of adversity and water of affliction), but I will stand my ground and not be pushed aside any longer. The Lord is my strength and shield, and He will cause eyes to be opened and reasoning returned. I am confident in the Lord's ability to do all things.
Holy is His name. His mercies are new every morning; Great is His faithfulness to me.
Blessings!
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