We didn't go to bed until after 10PM last night - which is late for us - and then I had a weird dream, so I really wanted to take a nap in here this morning. So I snuggled down in my chair, wrapped in my blanket and prayer shawl to keep warm and closed my eyes... and I may have drifted off some... but it sure didn't feel like it. Of course then I 'lost' that time to do some of my 'routine' things that I like to do (like read other things and have more time to write in here). Oh well. I was tired (still am).
Oh - the weird dream? I opened my eyes to see what time it was when I woke up... it was 1:15AM. I was in bed, asleep, when someone jarred me awake.... that someone was my boss. The one I love. Then, after I saw what time it was and I was falling back to sleep, it was as if I remembered I had a bag of things for her.... which is weird.... we were in this building and I opened the bag I had for her, and inside the bag was the last pint jar of my salsa (which hubby is finishing up)... the last one left over from Christmas and I think is about ready to be tossed. It was wrapped in paper towels... and as I unwrapped them, they were wet. The juice from the salsa had leaked out of the jar and when I looked at the jar... yeck... it was a mess of tomatoes and peppers and all - thick and clumpy. I decided to throw it away instead of giving it to her. Then I lost the dream. What in the world? I'll check with her today and make sure she and her family are all ok. The salsa? I'm going to tell hubby to dump it and not eat any more of it. It's still pretty full. Usually they last about 3 weeks and then the salsa starts bumbling out of the jar and smelling sour. We have already thrown away one jar. That one was for our prodigal granddaughter... she never came over to get her gifts nor her salsa. The gifts have been moved to the garage. Without her boyfriend apologizing to my son for what he and his family did to my son, I don't want him here. It may be wrong, but what he did was wrong and he needs to acknowledge his part in it. It's her choice to see me. I will always love her.
We went to hear Cindy Jacobs last night at the Church of the Nations. She prophesied over several people, especially the youth. That was the reason we were up late as we didn't get home until 9PM and then I heated up some leftovers for hubby and I to eat. It was a good service.... and one thing I got out of it was to prepare for my passion. What is it that one is passionate about... before they even have the passion 'happen', one needs to prepare as if they are ready for it. I know that... I've told myself that before... and I would start reading and studying... and then get discouraged. I've always felt like I had a weight around me, holding me back, holding me down. I've never felt free to be able to follow any passion I've had. And now I am old. What could God possibly have for me to do?
But in spite of my own questions, I will go back to reading, praying, and perhaps even try writing some. My spare time is about nil... but I should at least try, right? My joy (other than for my children and grandchildren - and greats) was sucked out of me years ago. Then I tell myself that no one can steal my joy because my joy comes from the Lord and knowing Him. And that is true. I do find my joy in Him. Jesus is my refuge in the midst of each day - whether good or bad. I run to Him whenever I need help. I cry out to Him in my troubles, even little one sentence prayers like "Lord, HELP!"
I desperately need alone time - not just here in the mornings or when hubby goes away for breakfast or lunch with his friends - afterall, usually I am still working so I'm not really 'alone'. How I wish I had a hermitage to run off to! But then...
James 1:5 (NIV): "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
I lack a lot of wisdom and sometimes I let that show way too much. Each day I ask God for wisdom, knowledge, and revelation of His Word, so that I can apply His Word to my life. Sometimes I seek it, sometimes I don't. One thing for sure, when I don't, I am not too smart! God has all the wisdom in the world. Why wouldn't one want to ask Him for some? I should do it more often, for sure! And so should you.
I'm reading this book on the Holy Spirit called Fire and Wind by Stan Kantz, I think it is. It's really pretty interesting. I read last night that when he was seven years old he was laying in the back seat of the car, looking out the back window (before seatbelts were required), and looking up at the sky, he felt the vastness of who God is and his own need for Him... even at 7 years old! He told his mother that he wanted to ask Jesus to come in to his heart at that time. He didn't have many sins, if any, and yet, he felt like he needed to ask Jesus to forgive him of his sins and become Lord of his life. What an awesome testimony of being drawn to the Lord and allowing Him to live within. Oh that my children and grand children would come to the saving knowledge of the grace of God! I pray for them, and I truly believe that God will answer my prayers .. but it is never in my timing.
Every day is a new beginning. It is more than making the determination that 'today is the day that I will ...." It is the first day of the rest of your life. I want my life to matter. I want to leave a legacy that I will be remembered with love. Sometimes I have to work on that. Perhaps we all do. But one thing I do - I choose Jesus, Father God, and the Holy Spirit to live for. I choose LIFE.
Blessings!
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