This morning as I finished reading my Bible and another book, praying some, I was relaxing in my chair, praising God. As I sat here in a relaxed mode, Sheeba barked. She is still in her crate. Waiting to hear hubby go let her out to take her outside, I sat up and listened.
I look to my left at the bookcase and there is a stack of note books that over the years I have written in. I've written my thoughts, my longings, and sometimes my prayers as well. Some of these I know are full of lots of grumblings and discontent as well as seeking God and His forgiveness, His Presence.
I reach over and pick up a journal, curious as to what I could have written, and when I would have written it. A paper falls out, and it is my mother's obituary. I am reminded that she has been gone 20 years this year. Where has all that time gone?
20 years. I look at the dates written in this journal and I see that some of the dates encompass the time that mama was sick and in the hospital, and after she died. Some day I will sit down and reread what I wrote during that time, but not today. I don't think I wrote much, because my prayers and writings most days are the same. More of You, Jesus. More of You is all my heart desires. Make me an instrument that You can use. Change me. Use me. Empty me of me, and fill me with You.
Those words I still write in my journals often, for that is my heart's desire.
I know I am not perfect. No one is, but Jesus. And I am way down on that totem pole. But am I someone who people can tell that I love the Lord and that I try hard to serve him? I know my attitude has gotten worse over the years and my blogs have shown that. I'm sorry. I have begun taking this to share my feelings, my hurt, my anger, and yes, even bitterness.
But it's not about ME. I must remember that I choose Jesus over my own wants and wishes. There is nothing I need, for He supplies it all. I choose Him over everything, and everyone.
I remember doing that many, many years ago. Giving myself up. I distinctly remember it. I had one granddaughter then and I was so worried about her because her father was hanging out with the wrong people. I was terrified that something would happen to her. I constantly prayed over her and prayed for protection.
One day as I was backing out of the driveway to go to work, God spoke to me. He said, "Do you trust Me?" I said, "Yes, Lord, I trust You." And he said it again, "Do you trust Me to take care of this child?" Oh the struggle within me! I stopped the car and said, "Yes Lord, I trust You to take care of this child." Then He said, "Then trust Me."
With tears flowing down my face, I tightened my hand into a fist and lifted it up to God and said, "Ok, I give this child to You. I trust You." I opened my hand and the tingling from holding my fist so tightly began. And it symbolized my releasing this precious child whom I loved so dearly to . She was no longer my worry. I trusted God to take care of her, no matter what. And He did. And He has.
Sometimes it is hard to let go of things we hold dear. So very, very hard. I'm going through that with all the things I have held on to for years and am now unpacking, giving away, and letting go of.
I am a lot like my mama. I held on to things. Perhaps not like she did, and I never want to be that way. I am my own person, not my mama. We have a lot of the same likes, same ideas about things, but I am not my mama. I loved my mama, and I love her still. Nothing can take that away. I don't always understand why she did the things she did - or didn't do. But she is still my mama.
Interestingly, I don't remember her reading her Bible or praying, yet I have her Bible. I even have my father's Bible.
But that doesn't make them who they were. This morning, as I read the obituary of my mama, I remember the daily phone calls we had the last few years she was alive. I began to call her mamacita - and she would laugh. I've missed those phone calls, bouncing ideas off her, telling her my pain and sorrow and asking for direction on what to do. Telling her about the joys I have with my grandchildren.
Sometimes I just need to sit back and think about mama. This morning is one of those times. At least for a little while. Still have to work today.
Blessings!
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