My apologies in advance for rambling a bit; I did mention my head is hurting and I feel like I'm 'all over the place' this morning as I have to make sure I get completed the things I have to do. So glad I decided to take off work today instead of just taking off for specific things. But, I'm learning as well that working keeps me grounded. Would I like to 'not' work? I would always have to be doing something - but it would be nice not to have daily deadlines. Or that board meeting like I have on Thursday morning at 7:30AM this week.
Found out yesterday after church that my oldest son was in the hospital, needing a paracentesis completed. And the thoracentesis as well. It was kind of funny yesterday. He notified me, the daughter, and the younger son about his hospital visit and eventual admittance. He wanted sweet tea. Daughter decided she was going to get him sweet tea from a new place she likes. Youngest son was talking of going to visit so I started to think that maybe I didn't need to go ..... but 'someone' mentioned that sometimes a boy needs his mama (and you know that part always grabs my heart). So I stopped what I was doing and told hubby I was going to the hospital to visit - and he could come or he could stay home. At first he said he wasn't going because he felt he couldn't walk that far. Then he quickly changed his comment to he was going. It was easy enough; I dropped him off at the door and I parked the car. Son was on the first floor not far from the front door so neither of us had far to walk. We brought him his sweet tea from McD's. Then when the youngest son and his wife came in, we left. It really grieves my heart when the youngest shows up anywhere after drinking. I'll just leave that there.
Hubby and I stopped at DQ on the way home - I got my turtle pecan blizzard and he his chocolate malt - and that was dinner. Since we had stopped at Arby's on the way home (he wanted to go out but I was paying so I chose), I didn't have to cook yesterday. Settling in, I finally finished up the afghan for the great-grandson and now working on an afghan for his little sister. All in Viking colors, of course. I did some more ordering on Kohls and Amazon yesterday as well and hopefully finished off more gifts for Christmas.
This week is going to be busy somewhat. Along with the stress of hubby and waiting on him to 'make a decision', after the celebration of life today I will need to wrap more gifts. Tomorrow is back to work. I am going to tell hubby that tomorrow night I can drive him to meet his 'accountability' partner. I can take the diamond art project to the daughter's which is just down the street from where hubby meets. Then I can pick him up after. Will see how he goes with that. I am giving him at least this week to process giving up his keys. I suggested to him last night that I could take him to a store and drop him off and then come back and pick him up when he is done, rather than him driving there. I may mention how hard parking will be and that he will have to walk long distances... that might help. Unfortunately, my having to drive him places will create a burden, but I'd rather have the burden than someone hurt. But then, no, I'm not going to say it, and shouldn't even think it.
Wednesday night we have our group Bible study and I will be driving so that is just taking up another evening. Right now my mind is a blank as to what Thursday evening is. I'm taking Friday off to train (trying to get Morgan to change my 7AM to another day) then on to Mesa to meet up with my boss for the Christmas Idea House. Our yearly get-together that I really enjoy. Then I have a 3:30PM hair appointment - so Friday will be busy.
I have so much to do to prepare for Christmas and I love all the preparation, but I just feel I'm totally disorganized this year (but don't I feel that way every year?). I've got to start baking and putting in the freezer this week for starting next week I will need gifts to start giving out as we meet with others. I still can't figure out how I can 'gain' 2-3 hours a day by working from home versus driving to Mesa - and I still run out of time. I think a large part is that I've been going to bed at 8:30PM and getting up at 4-5AM - and then ... oh I don't know. My head hurts. Still.
I told you I was rambling. This ordeal with hubby has stressed me out. I feel sorry for him, I really do. I get that he feels he is losing his 'freedom' - but I'm trying to get him to see he will gain 'freedom'. No car payment, no warranty, no insurance, no gas or repairs - and I've told him that is money in his pocket. I'm playing on that. I just need to get him past the letting go of the car part. Someone said an author has said that you don't take away the keys, you take away the car. I'm just not sure how I can do that. I'm praying about this entire situation and asking God to intervene and direct the path we both must take to resolve this situation. Yes, I'd like to get this done and over with. But I also know I need to allow him to 'grieve' and process his material loss. To him it is independence; he can come and go as he pleases. I want to allow him that time. I'm taking each day as it comes, but hope I can insert taking him places versus him driving (like shopping as he would have to park far away and walk long distances, and he can't). I drive to church, usually out to eat, to the group study, already, so he is used to my driving (although he makes his comments about my driving....) - it is just the little things. It will happen soon, but I have to 'let him make the decision as to when' - although I will also be watching the timetable.
And all of that probably doesn't make sense for it doesn't make sense in my mind. Dang headache.
Distractions come and go. Something made me pick up my phone and look at it. I read a post by my son in the hospital. I started to scan and read this one post by an unknown person about her parents who had arrived two hours early for Thanksgiving dinner. As I skimmed through the lengthy post, I have begun having tears fall down my face. I get it. It will happen to me. It will happen to you. The calendars will be empty at some point. We will go to a child's home for a holiday meal and feel in the way because we are early. But we are early because there is no place else to go. And as the child feels so stressed at having to 'entertain' when they are so busy.... the thought comes to them to make their parents feel needed again. Wanted again. Let dad take the trash out. Let mom help with the cooking, even if it is only stirring the pot. Let them be a part of life again. All too soon, those precious moments will be gone. (Yeah, see why I have tears falling?)
I need to put a note somewhere that I need to start getting rid of at least one thing everyday. Whether it is just cleaning out a drawer and getting rid of things. I know I have way too much. In a 'light' sense, I am a hoarder - cause I want to have it in case someone needs it - right? But I need to let things go. My biggest fear is that my children will have to have a truck pulled up in front of the house and have things hauled out to Savers or Goodwill - without knowing the memories behind them. SO I need to get rid of those things that have no memories and keep only what I want to pass on. I need to declutter and de-hoard. My kids would definitely agree, I'm sure. I don't want them having to deal with this. Even if hubby goes first, I still need to get rid of this stuff. If I die first, he wouldn't know what to do with any of it and would hold on to it because it would remind him of me.
Memories are a good thing, but they can be taken to the extreme. Sometimes we need to let someone else enjoy making their own memories with items, right?
And with that - I'm going to let this blog be a memory today - got to get dressed and get ready to head to the gym very shortly. Hopefully the Excedrin will kick in soon. Coffee didn't do much for the headache. Have a totally awesome day! Perhaps tomorrow my mind may (or may not!) be working.
Blessings!
