I finally said it.... in love....

 Last night hubby was kind of quiet.  After dinner I was reading until about 8PM when my older sister called - which is highly unusual as it was 11PM there.  She was telling me about her day and why she was still awake - she had actually gotten out of her apartment and got some tasks accomplished (her son drove her around) such as getting her drivers license renewed (she has been told not to drive.... WHY would the DL renew her license (it had expired in January) when she has both hands bandaged up from falling, she can't hardly walk (has to use a walker)... what are they thinking?)  and her car license renewed.  Her son is back home from his latest stent in the hospital so was driving her around to get these accomplished.  When she finally got back home, she was exhausted so laid down across the bed and slept six hours.  No wonder she was wide awake at 8PM!  

During my conversation hubby told me he was going to take a shower and left the room.  As my phone call was ending, he came back in and sat down.  He comments, "have you ever not liked yourself?"  I had to ask for an explanation for I wasn't sure where he was going with it.  But let me back up to earlier in the day.

I was working, and he decided he had to come in and chat with me, interrupting the things I was doing.  I tried to give him my undivided attention, but you know when you are chatting with your boss, you need to give it attention as well.  He was telling me his frustration with his friend Bill.  Bill is a good man, but is so terrified he is going to get Alzheimers that he is always reading up on it, taking every kind of pill imagineable.  His mom had died from it and he feels he will have it too.  I understand that fear, but don't let fear take life away from you.  Anyway.... hubby was telling me how he is to have breakfast with Bill on Friday (today) and they had decided this on Tuesday evening when they met for Bible study, they would meet at a certain time, and had even decided the location.  (the last time they met, Bill went to one place and hubby went to the other - and hubby had made him put the locationin his phone!)  Bill had also requsted that hubby remind him, which he did yesterday morning.  But Bill didn't remember where they were to meet, so hubby told him again.  So hubby was pouring out his frustrations with Bill and him not remembering things.....(he has even forgotten to show up for their weekly Bible studies!) and as hubby walked out the door, I made my comment.  In love.

I told him that what he is feeling with Bill, I feel with him at times.  He asked what I meant.  So I told him.  He constantly interrupts me throughout the day when I'm working, many times with a question that he should know the answer.  Or he should know how to do something.  I have asked him before to talk to his doctor about his memory, that he can be given something to delay dementia.  And he says that he does, but the doctor says his memory is fine.  I'm not worried so much about conversations being remembered that he just had, but the things he cannot remember.  He asks questions like 'how will I know the hamburger I'm frying will be done?' and 'my computer says it isn't connected to the internet, what do I do?' and 'which would be the best way to go to....' (and I take that as he doesn't remember how to get there so asks that question as it may be to church, to one of the children's houses).  It's the little things like that - that scares me to death.  And as I told him, I could see that he knew what I was saying.  And I also told him that we both are getting older and yes, we will forget things.  We don't do the things we used to do, and we have lost the ability to do things we used to do, for the lack of not doing them.  He will turn 85 next week and he thinks he is still just as alert as he was at 20.  But I told him that his frustration with Bill is the exact frustration I feel when he does the things he does.

So last night, he tells me that he couldn't get my conversation with him earlier out of his mind.  He doesn't see himself losing his memory or his ability to do things.  He feels he is just as mentally active as always.  So I reminded him, he doesn't DO anything ....  he goes to his Bible study, he does the lessons, he does the laundry about every 10 days and he washes the dishes at night as a rule.  He sat there for a moment and said I was right.  He doesn't do anything.  We talked about my treadmill and weights that are in the back room - and I know I need to use them too, I've been lazy - and suggested he start with even ten minutes on the treadmill and quit NOT using his right shoulder because if he raises it so far it hurts.  Take a 3 pound weight and raise it as far as he can to keep strength in his arm.  He agreed he needs to do something.  I knew he was depressed because of our earlier conversation.  I know he was depressed because of the reality of the conversation we were then having.  But it eventually happens to us all.  

The agony of getting older.  My mother's mind was still sharp to the day she died, and she was turning 86.  I am hoping that I can be at least able to think clearly to the end.  Hubby's dad died of a massive heart attack at 74 and he doesn't know of his family history as his dad was adopted.  I'm hoping our conversation will help him in his attitude with his friend.  I told him he needed to be kind; if Bill is having memory issues, be patient with him.... as I have to be patient with hubby.  He seemed to understand that.

I hope my children will have this conversation with me as they notice things.  As long as I am able, I want to live in my own home, but if the time should ever come that I cannot think clearly, then I'm willing to go into an assisted living.  Not that hubby needs to go there, not saying that.  I just wanted him to understand and realize that we are getting older, and this is just part of life.  I'm scared of what the future holds for him, and for me with him.  But one thing I do know,

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV):  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I don't know what the future holds for hubby, or for me.  But I know that the Lord is in control of both.  I need have no fear, for He is God, and I am not.

Blessings!