Where has all the time gone this year? Someone mentioned this morning that here it is June 30th.... "and you know what that means!" I chose not to comment - but she continued - "Christmas will be here before we know it!" I have no idea what I'm going to do for everyone this year for Christmas. I've already made them all quilts. I'm truly at a loss - not that my children care so much - but what to get the grandchildren. Some I don't even know much about anymore.
We are heading into a 4 day weekend and I'm so happy about it. This has been a tough few weeks here at work and I'm so tired. The past two nights I've even been in bed before 8:30PM! And still have trouble waking up at 4AM. But tomorrow - I can sleep in later, which will be very nice.
Received word that my oldest nephew has had a heart attack. He's in the hospital and they plan to do open heart quadruple bypass surgery on Monday morning. I have spent time praying for him and for the surgeons who will be doing his surgery. He also has a new wife; still in his first year of marriage, I believe. One brother reminded me that our oldest brother had his heart attack at this age. I didn't remember that. I wish our family dynamics were not so bad. My brother gave me permission to share the information with the rest of the family, so I made the phone calls to tell them. My older sister appreciated the notification, as did my younger brother. However, my younger sister already knew about it as the nephew's sister had called her and let her know. And the younger sister never bothered to call any of the rest of the family to tell them. Isn't that interesting.
This morning I was praying that God would give me an affirmation of some sort. I don't remember how I worded it, but I just needed something to give me value. I love how God answers. This morning I have had two people email me how much they value what I do, the little extra things I do and say, the encouragement I give others. I desperately needed that. I need to know I make a difference sometimes cause sometimes I don't feel anyone cares.
I miss my children. It's hard to explain. I know they are older and have their own families, but I miss them. I miss getting to hear how they are doing, what's going on in their families, what they think and what their dreams are. I miss being connected.
No, son, I am not trying to do the guilt trip. One day you will understand what I'm feeling. I often think about my mother, and the fact that I moved away when my children were young. Although they did go back in the summertime, and later on I finally started going back once a year, I never appreciated the fact that she would want to spend time with me.... until the last couple years when I stayed with her and spent that extra time with her. I'm glad I did. I wasn't close to my mother until the last two - three years of her life. We talked, and we visited, but I never felt loved, yet, I knew she loved me.
Perhaps that is why it is so important to me that each of my children know how much that I do love them. I can't do the things I want to do but it isn't because my heart doesn't want to. And, yes, I do have favorites. Each one of my children are my favorite. Each one of my grandchildren are my favorite. There is a trait in each one that I desperately love and admire in each one. And for that trait, I love them with passion and they are my favorite.
Some day, each one will understand what that means.
Blessings!
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