So many changes are happening around me. Changes that do affect me, changes that do not. I thought I was strong. I thought I could handle change. I really believed I was doing ok.
Then last Tuesday I sat at my desk and pulled every one of my gel fingernails off. The gel polish on my fingernails, that is. Some of the pulling was painful....but yet I persisted in pulling it off and in doing so, also pulled some of the layer of my nail(s) off. I knew what I was doing. I knew it would be painful. But I did it anyway.
Side note.... it just dawned on me while writing this..... I can understand when people 'cut' themselves.... when people 'hurt' themselves.... when people use erasers to rub on their skin in one spot so that it penetrates all the layers of the skin.... I can understand.....
The pain is real. The pain is great. The pain is internal. No one can understand what one is enduring... what one holds in.
I was recently rebuked because I didn't do something that someone thought I ought to do... which in fact was a good thing to do.... but I couldn't let myself. I finally told them.... if I had done this, I would have started crying and I am afraid that once I start crying, I will not be able to control myself. I fight myself - sometimes daily - with my pain I hold inside. Unfortunately, I think I have passed this trait on to my children - especially my boys.
It's ok to cry - it really is. It is a cleansing relief. I know that. But if I cry, it has to be alone with God. He is the One whom I want to comfort me, for He is the ONLY One who can understand my pain, my anguish, my sorrow, my darkest night. I can't let myself go with anyone else. I can almost pinpoint when that happened. When I began to bury my pain. But that's another story.
Changes are going on in our church. Dear friends have left the church and moved on. Both totally unexpected. I had dinner with one friend last week. She explained her departure - and shared with me how Jesus told her to "jump or be pushed". She decided to 'jump'. When she hit the period on the resignation letter, her phone rang with an offer of a position that she truly would love with a prayer ministry that she had worked with before. It was definitely all God. My other friend has left as well. I do not know where God is leading her, but I know He will have His hand on her to guide her and direct her path. Both awesome women of God who let God lead. The church is in turmoil. What will happen I do not know.
Changes are going on at my work. My company was not awarded a contract so when our current contract ends on 9/30/17, over 125 people will be let go ... including my beloved boss. I am not affected because of the position I hold within the company... I can just be moved to another area, another department. But tomorrow is my boss' last day, and it's tough. I've done well thus far, and held back my tears. After all, it's just a job. We are still the best of friends and have a plan B that we have used in the past that we will activate once again. We've been working together right about 25 years. God has blessed her by giving her a very nice position within the company who WAS awarded the contract. She starts there on Monday. And on Monday I officially start working for another boss, back in my original department. It's ok. It's just a new learning curve and building a relationship with a new person.
Changes in life - youngest son just bought a new house and moved (or rather, is moving) further away..... middle son has a new granddaughter..... oldest child/daughter.... trying to talk her into moving closer to us so we can do some things together. Her daughter (our granddaughter) has moved about 5 minutes away from us. And there are other changes. Only God knows how I struggle so with life. Only God knows the anguish I hold in from those who shut me out of their lives. Only God can strengthen me and help me smile and pretend that all is well with my soul. And it is.
There is a song that I hold on to - It is Well With My Soul, and Mercy Me has come out with another song that truly hits home....
Even If
MercyMe
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't
It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
Songwriters: Bart Marshall Millard / Benjamin Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Arthur Garcia / Tim Timmons
Even If lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Music Services, Inc
and so I will say..... It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.
Blessings!
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