What about Bob? Are you a Bob?

I've been adding parts of a book I'm reading to two reports (as I have shared before) that I need to send out each morning when I get to work. In fact, it is the first thing I do. After making coffee, of course. And getting the water.

Yesterday I started on the section about Bob. That's the name that was given. It describes a person who has problems with everyone.... actually it goes like this....: if Bob has problems with Bill, and Bob has problems with Fred, and Bob has problems with Sue, and Bob has problems with Jane, and Bob has problems with Sam, then Bob is usually the problem. It goes on to discuss things like Bob is a problem finder. If there is a problem, Bob likes to find them and expose them to others. Rule to deflate that is to request 3 solutions to every problem presented.

It also talks about Bob being a problem carrier. Bob likes to create problems and always tries to involve others in what he's doing. This is the part I like: You have two choices every time you encounter Bob or anyone else creating a problem. Every problem starter is like a fire lighter. And each of us is like a person carrying two buckets. One is filled with water and the other with gasoline. When we see the spark of a problem fire being lit, we can choose to douse it with water and put it out. Or we can throw gasoline on it and make it worse. If we want to control the amount of damage Bob can do, we need to use the water.

Then there is Bob the problem receiver. He encourages everyone to come to him with their problems. That doesn't sound too bad, having someone you can "share" your problems with, but listen to this. "People see you as a garbage dump. Garbage trucks take their loads of trash to a place that accepts garbage. And people with problems take their gripes, gossip, and grumbling to someone who'll accept it. When you allow people to dump on you and make no effort to stop them, they will keep dumping. And they won't stop until you let them know they are not welcome to do that."

This morning during my prayers this scripture came to me.... 1 Peter 2:23 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. When someone comes at you with words, or actions, that for whatever reason stir up emotions, remember that when you respond back in defense, in emotion, you are feeding them. Stop responding and trust God to heal and bring about restoration in His way, in His time.

I wrote the above yesterday, but didn't have time to finish the blog. So I am just going to add what sent out with the reports this morning. I've already gotten a comment back from one of the case managers and I sent it less than five minutes ago! Yes, it was a POSITIVE comment on how it was an awesome read. So I'm sharing ....

So what do you do when you have a BOB in your life? I'm really loving this book and it has great information. We ALL have a Bob or Bobbie in our lives. It could be a spouse, a sibling, a parent, even a child - or gasp! someone whom you called 'friend'. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone - I want that understood. If anything, I am pointing at areas in my own life. If the following can help me, surely it can also help you.

What About Bob?

So what do you do if you have a a Bob or Bobbie in your life, someone who finds, creates, and spread problems? Consider these suggestions:

Respond with a positive comment.

When a negative person tries to drop a problem in your lap, respond with something positive. If the comment is about a situation, try to find the bright side. If it’s about a person, point out a positive trait you’ve observed.

Show your concern for someone being criticized.

Anytime a person’s motives are being critiqued, the best thing is to give him the benefit of the doubt. No one should presume to know the heart of another person. That’s something only God can judge. Believe the best in others (and express that belief) unless the individuals prove otherwise to you personally.

Encourage steps toward resolution.

Anytime someone brings you a problem he has with another person – and he hasn’t personally addressed the problem with the other person – he’s (or she’s) really engaging in gossip. And if you listen, you are too.

The best way to deal with gossip is to direct the complainer to talk to a person with whom he has an issue. Encourage him to meet one-on-one and work things out. And if he brings up the issue again, ask him point-blank: “Have you addressed this with him yet?” If the answer is no, refuse to discuss it.

Ask Bob to THINK before speaking.

Not everyone will respond positively to your suggestions. But if you have a strong connection with bob or you are in a position of authority with him, then ask him to THINK before he speaks using this acronym:

T Is it true?
H Is it helpful?
I Is it inspiring?
N Is it necessary?
K Is it kind?

If he can answer yes to all of these questions, then it’s appropriate for him (or her) to proceed.

Keep Bob away from others.

Former major league baseball manager Casey Stengel had some great advice concerning how to deal with problem people. He said that on most teams, a manager will have fifteen players who will run through a wall for him, five who hate him, and five who are undecided. He believed the trick was to keep the five who hate him away from the five who are undecided.

If you supervise one or more Bobs – and you can’t or won’t remove them from your team – then do damage control by isolating them. Don’t let their negativism spread.

What if YOU are Bob?

There has been a lot about what to do if you have a Bob in your life, but what about if YOU are Bob? If you are not sure, ask yourself these questions:

• Do I experience some kind of conflict almost every day?
• Do people often rub me the wrong way?
• Do bad things just naturally happen to me?
• Do I have few friends and wish I had more?
• Do I always seem to say the wrong thing?

If you answered yes to several of those questions, then you might be Bob (or Bobbie). If that’s true, remember the first rule of holes. When you are in one, stop digging.

The first thing you have to do is to admit you’re Bob. The second is that you must want to change your lifestyle. You can’t be like Mrs. Mohler, who was being tried for the murder of her third husband. A lawyer asked, “What happened to your first husband?”

“He died of mushroom poisoning,” aid Mrs. Mohler.

“How about your second husband?” asked the lawyer.

“He died of mushroom poisoning too,” said Mrs. Mohler.

“Well, then,” asked the lawyer, “what about your third husband?”

Mrs. Mohler replied, “He died of a brain concussion.”

The lawyer asked, “How did that happen?”

Mrs. Mohler replied, “He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

Changing won’t necessarily be easy. And there are no quick fixes. Neil Anderson, author of Victory Over the Darkness, says,

Studies have shown that, in the average home, for every positive statement, a child receives 10 negative statements. The school environment is only slightly better; students hear seven negative statements from their teachers for every one positive statement. No wonder so many children are growing up feeling that they are losers. Parents and teachers are conveying that perception every day in how they talk to their children. These studies go on to point out that it takes four positive statements to negate the effect of one negative statement.

You can begin to change by following the guidelines given. Use the THINK questions before you speak. Try to see the positive in every situation. And ask people to hold you accountable for your attitude and actions. No one has to be a Bob forever.

Have a great weekend!


Blessings!