wow - what's with all the number views?

 I opened this up in my work computer and the view numbers are in the 100's and higher!  Anyone else have this?  Now we all know (ok, the two of us) that over 200 people would not be reading this boring family blog, right?  What is it my son calls it - bots?

I slept in this room one last night and I ended up coughing most of the night.  I think the flim and flam is starting to break loose.  Yeck.  But then, that's a good thing, right?  I think hubby, although also still coughing, is doing much better as well.  Unless I'm not, then he's not, right?  He always likes for 'us' to do things 'together'....sigh.  He gave me this stupid cold anyway!

I've been rushing around this morning - answering work emails, taking my trash out, taking empty Amazon boxes out to the garage, taking a shower.... and hubby just asked if I was going to use the blender for a shake this morning.  Does it really matter?  If I said yes, he would say 'leave the blender out for me', and if I say 'no', he will ask what I plan to have for breakfast.  I just said "I haven't decided yet" to which he responded with "well, you need to decide."  Sigh.  Don't tell me what to do - I'll SKIP breakfast if I want!  LOL   I fixed chicken/cheese quesadillas for lunch yesterday - it just sounded good - and since it was a late lunch (heaven forbid hubby would fix a lunch on his own), he said he didn't want anything for dinner.... he had been doing some 'running'.  So I didn't cook dinner last night - but about 7p I did grab a yogurt and cottage cheese for myself to get some protein in.  It must have worked weight-wise; I'm down 4 pounds this morning. LOL  So I'm afraid to eat breakfast for I'll gain it right back!  

I get so frustrated with myself.  I am envious of couples who trust each other and can be open about everything.  I feel like everything I do I have to do it when hubby is not around, for if I don't, he will question me relentlessly on the who what when where and why I am doing it.  So many things I want to do; I even start lists that I want to get done - but then, I rarely do it.  Too many fun things come in play. Like my diamond art, or crochet, or just a relaxing good movie.  I bought myself a ledger book yesterday and I want to keep better track of my expenses.  I don't dare let hubby know my thoughts because of 1) he will want a book as well (I think I have bought him two books in the past and they are probably buried in the drawers), and 2) although he says I can look at 'our' bank account anytime, if I question anything, he goes off on me, and 3) he will demand to see 'my' bank account.  It is 'my' bank account for a reason.  And I won't go into that here.  But I am truly envious of couples who can really trust each other.  I hate it that I can't trust hubby completely with finances - nor most anything else.   A whole nother story, right?

I have training with Morgan today - and I think it is HIIT.  I'm pretty sure it is, anyway.  I've dressed for it, including my neon green shoes.  Yes, I wear my neon green tennis shoes to my HIITs and they usually get a comment or two.  I call them my 'HIIT shoes'.  I'm also wearing my tank top that says "I would have quit by now but my trainer scares me."  Morgan loves it.  And I do get some looks on that as well.  I will have to tell Morgan I was sick all weekend and to not make the HIIT so strenuous.  Yeah, right.  She will look at me, nod, and send me off on another tough exercise.  The positive is, she encourages me, even when I don't do as good as I think I should.  'Can't' doesn't exist at the gym, she says, and if I 'slip up' and say "I can't..." She will stop me and go "what?  I don't know what that word means!"  All she asks is that we do our best and put forth effort.  After all, that's what I'm paying her for, right?  Why waste my money doing it only half way!  I want to get where I want to get so I can learn how to do it on my own and not pay a trainer!

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV):  For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I feel many of us fall back on that verse time and again throughout our lifetime.  I often ask God - "what ARE Your plans for me?"  Is it to live this life I'm living now.... or does He really have plans for me that I will be able to live life serving others?  The anguish in my soul sometimes is so great because I feel I have missed doing what God has called me to do... and yet, am I just kidding myself and it is nothing more than something I WANTED to do.  What if God didn't have that on my 'life schedule'?  What is it that I haven't learned yet that I still feel the pain of emptiness within?  What are His plans?  What is my Hope and my Future?  My time is going down... will I live life before that time?  Is this all my life is to be?

I'm not really complaining - it's not that bad - just in my own selfishness I want more.  Does that make sense?  I do get to volunteer and preach at the RV parks - which starts next month - which means I need to get busy on messages, right?  They will be calling me the first of November to get title and verse - and today I have no clue.  Yeah, I need to get started on that.  Looks like I have two in November so do need to get started!  At the same RV park so it isn't that I can do one and repeat it.  I do that if the timing is close together. :-)

Have you ever wondered what God's plans are for you?  If you screwed up your life like I have, maybe you wonder if God gave up on you.  Well, He hasn't.  I know He hasn't given up on me, and I need to utilize my time better to sit and listen and do what He wants me to do.  It's so easy to fill in the quiet time with busyness.  We all need to slow down, put down the phone, and just sit and listen.  I do it frequently, but know I should do it a lot more.  And maybe you do too.

Well, I am working so I need to get off here and figure out what to do today.  With technically no 'real boss' I don't have much to do during work hours, but I do help others when they ask for it.  And I'm really thinking about retirement again.  I shouldn't....  and I'll leave all the reasons there.   I'm sure 'some day' God has something special for me.  I just need to be patient (who, me?) and wait on His timing.  Nothing escapes His notice, and I know that He sees me, and He knows my heart.  And He knows yours as well.  Let's lean into Him and see what He has for us.

Have an amazing day!

Blessings!