and it wasn't anything specific, I don't think. I think it was brought on by a lot of mental exhaustion and trying to make Christmas a memorable time for everyone. I baked cookies, and made cheeseballs yesterday. I'm wanting to do something special for each of my kids this year and have managed to get two done. One left to complete. I had my daughter stop by yesterday to pick her special thing up.... and one look at my face/eyes and my daughter was asking "are you ok?" I nearly broke down. I am trying to work (which has been exceptionally busy for this time of year), I'm trying to make all this salsa for the grandchildren (and I'm not complaining), I'm trying to make cheeseballs and bake cookies and things for different people.... as I've mentioned before, giving to others is my love gift.... and I forgot a cookie exchange long distance I do with an adopted daughter and never got it done and her gift of cookies and other things arrived yesterday putting the guilt of forgetfulness on top of my head.... No, this isn't a 'woe is me' type of paragraph. Just commenting I let life get the best of me and I lost my grounding.
Add in my dentist office called to take care of that floating root issue and they had a cancellation. So why not get that taken care of as well? An hour and a half later.... he could not get it out and has now referred me to an oral surgeon, whom I am to call first thing this morning as he was calling him as I left to tell him what was going on. I hate spending that kind of money... but this is a necessity, although I may still lose that tooth; one of the possibilities.
I did nothing last night. Well, when I got home from the dentist, I made one more cheeseball as I had left the cream cheese out to soften. Then I cleaned up my mess from running to the kitchen to get things made. Mentally going through my lists, I realized I need to scale back - and in some cases, drastically. I did tell my daughter that I 'can't do this anymore'. I cannot make about 20 quarts of salsa - I gave the grandchildren the recipe for my salsa - they can make their own! - but I have always loved making it and giving to them. I cannot make so many different things and give to others; they don't need it all! Give them ONE thing, and the recipes for the rest. I've got to figure this out.
After cleaning the kitchen, sweeping and mopping the floor, I came into the front room and sat down. And we watched a movie. sigh. Then the Dolly Parton Christmas special came on and she started singing Christmas songs.... and my tears started falling. I told hubby I was going to bed - and did. But laid awake for another two hours before he came to bed. I could not go to sleep. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular. Sleep just eluded me. Finally, the thought occurred to me that when one can't sleep, we often tell them to count sheep. I was amused in my mind as I thought about that. I started reciting (in my mind) the 23rd Psalm.... The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies; He anoints my head with oil, my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. .... and then I fell asleep.
This morning I am meeting my boss for breakfast and taking her Christmas gift to her. I always look forward to spending time with her for I always feel more positive and refreshed after doing so. My favorite doctor is also going to stop by as he said he had something for me. I wonder if he will remember. It's raining today - and I read this morning as well - that we are in for a thunderstorm .. he's been pretty accurate thus far. I think it's called Arizona Weather Force (on Facebook) that I pretty much follow for my weather forecasts. I hope it doesn't happen while I'm out driving.
Today hopefully will be fairly quiet. One boss has taken the day off. I have cleared the calendar pretty much for this boss so she won't be bothering me either. The others shouldn't be too bad - and I know that I can take off early today - and will. I did get to the grocery yesterday but still need to do one more trip. My youngest is to stop by today to pick up one of his son's gift from us - and his salsa - and head north to see him. I will get more room in my refrigerator after he returns tomorrow and his family comes over for Christmas with us - and takes about 6 jars of salsa - which is about the number I need to make today (or tomorrow) to have enough for those who want them.
Why did I have the near-meltdown? I don't know. I wonder if I want everyone to have a perfect Christmas and I want to make it perfect... I want to do so much and maybe it is too much.... maybe traditions need to be let go of after this year. Maybe new traditions need to be made. Am I struggling with the uncertainty of the gifts I've purchased? Maybe they won't be liked? Maybe I didn't buy the right things? Did I do too much for one and not enough for another? Will everyone know how much I love them - not by the size or number of gifts, but because I took the time to search and purchase and wrap each one? Oh the love of a grandmother for not only her children, but her grandchildren - and great grandchildren as well. Memories I want to leave behind me when I'm no longer a part of their Christmases. Do I want too much?
I think I'll end my ramblings with a funny story - a true one at that. When I was at the gym the other night my trainer was telling me about a member who has come in frequently over the past year and has gone from over 400 pounds to 200 pounds. His skin is loose and hanging on him. They frequently do what is called 'In-body' testing on him. 'In-body testing' I have mentioned before for myself. It tells how much of the body is water, how much fat, how much muscle, etc. Well, they did it on this guy with all the loose skin and they got upset with him. The member has been using a nutritionist outside of the gym as well to help him with his eating. Well, even at 200 pounds - this man was down to 2% body fat. Yes, I said 2%! The loose skin was just that - it was loose skin - there was no fat in it. They got after him and told him he needed to have the nutritionist reevaluate his diet because he wasn't getting enough nutrition and needed to add some fat to his diet.
After my trainer had shared this with me, he took a drink of water...... just as I was saying, "well, I want you to know that the loose skin that I have hanging on me isn't just skin.....it's full of fat."...... and he nearly spewed his mouthful of water all over me!
And that is your 'funny' for today. I need to stop and get dressed and ready to head to the restaurant in a couple hours..... got to do some work first. Hubby has left for his Bible study. Counting today, 3 days until Christmas. And mine starts tomorrow evening. I.can't.wait. My favorite time of year is being with my children and their families. I am blessed.
Lord, please help me to pause and allow You to guide my steps these next few days and not try to get ahead of You. I have so much I want to do and get done.... but maybe Your plan is for me to pause and just be with You. I should never be too busy to sit at Your feet. Help me to find those moments to pause and allow You to refresh me, to restore me. I need your strength, Lord, I need your Peace that passeth all understanding. Thank you for hearing my heart, and drawing me close to Thee. I love You.
Blessings!
