Actually, I still have that longing... and I will explain it all, but let me start at the beginning. Rather, since I just deleted about 4 paragraphs, let me start over. Too much whining.
I was overwhelmed with a longing to run away yesterday mid-afternoon. Seriously. I'm tired of being cooped up in this back room all day; I'm tired of not being around other people and doing things (even work!), I'm tired of just being tired. Work has been overwhelming lately with all the meetings and impossible demands of getting things in a specific timeframe with leaders. I just needed a break. So I decided I'd run with it and find a hotel for the July 4th weekend. I'm off July 4 and 5 plus the Saturday and Sunday so thought we could get away. I have points with a couple hotels so could get a lower price. I looked at several nearby but none had a suite, which I am partial to. I like the extra space and the extra $20 I pay is well worth having room to move without bumping into each other. I don't want to drive anywhere. I just want to get away, preferably alone. But, since I can't do that.... anyway, found nothing, which was disappointing in itself. In my mind I could see laying out by a pool, relaxing, doing nothing, and being lazy. I suppose I (we) could go down to the rec center and lay out by the pool. Sigh. Not the same. Anyway.... it was a disappointing find. Then hubby and I went out to dinner cause I had a discount coupon, and then stopped by the youngest son's house to drop off some toddler clothes I found that would fit the great grandson he has. Hubby had attitude so refused to go in and visit. Disappointing for me, for I want to build a relationship with the great grandchildren. He had his mind set and I wasn't going to change it. Disappointing.
We came home and I tried to read, and after a couple chapters could not stay awake. Had a full belly, remember? I went to bed at 7:15PM. I woke up a few times during the night and finally got up at 3:15AM and came in here. Still fighting the disappointment - aka depression - that wants to enfold me, but I am fighting it. I've done my reading, written in my journal several pages actually, and now on here. I need to spend time on my 'talk' for tomorrow and tweak it some more. My friend contacted me yesterday and I asked if I spoke on journaling, if that would be ok. She said yes, so guess what God lead me to speak on will work. Now just to tweak it. Still need to run to Ross and pick up a couple journals to give away. But if I don't - that's ok too. We have a 5PM nail appointment (for me) and a pedicure (for hubby) so will need to take off right when I get off work. I'm already ready for the nails to 'come off'. I'm going to ask to take off and just put polish on them. But then, I do want them to look nice in the morning when I meet the other women.... maybe one more time... then let them fall off..... LOL I do this every time. I like the way they look nice, but they annoy me, so chew them off after a few weeks.
Glad hubby has his bible study this morning and then he will be going to get new tires for his car. He is a bit upset - as he should be. He went on Monday and ordered; they scheduled for Wednesday. He sat for almost an hour to find only 2 of his tires had been delivered to the shop. Delayed again. He is scheduled to go back again today to get 4 new tires put on. They even called him yesterday to confirm they had all four tires this time. Small inconvenience to save $300, right? cough cough
Psalm 91:1 (NKJV): He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I have fun to this psalm in the Bible many times over the years. There is just something about knowing that when I take the time to spend time with the Most High - with Jesus, that He will guide me and direct me, no matter what is going on around me. I love to sit at the feet of Jesus, where I can learn from Him and know that He is always with me. I am so grateful for that. I am so lost without Him to run to. If you have been reading in here for a great length of time, you know that is a true statement. I am lost without Him.
I shudder to think what my life would have been like had I not married hubby and moved away from the things that I enjoyed (I thought) doing in my younger single years. I was so stupid. So, yes, getting remarried and moving away from all that was a good thing for me. And as our marital problems increased, we had to get in church for I was ready to walk away and figure out a way to go back 'home'.
But then I found Jesus.
Until you find Jesus, and give Him permission to direct your path, you will find yourself struggling all through life. Truly. Yes, I still struggle at times at my choices, but I know that He will walk with me through anything I get involved in. Jesus is the only reason hubby and I are still married. Yes, it helped that he also decided to follow Jesus. We both fail in many ways to be the 'perfect' Christian, but we both know that we can run to Him and He will guide us, when we surrender ourselves and our wills to Him. I can't write nor explain where all my frustration comes from. But I know that Jesus knows all my wants, wishes, desires, and longings.
And I know that I find Him, when I go into the 'secret place' to spend time with Him. He is the only reason I am still alive, still surviving, still thriving. Jesus is the only answer to all my problems. And He is the only answer to yours.
Struggling? Go to Jesus, tell Him about it and ask what to do. Angry? Release it to Jesus and tell Him why you are angry and ask Him to help you process and deal with it. Financial issues? I have learned over the years that when I begin praising Jesus for what He has provided for me, and put Him first in my life, He will bring us out of the despair of debt and set our feet on solid ground.
I know my thoughts seem all over the place this morning and I am rambling as well. I have erased so much that this probably does not even make sense today. But through it all, this is the advice I will give you.....
Sit at Jesus' feet and just listen to Him. He only wants the best for you.
Blessings!
